let's sit back and laugh and watch the ship sink.
alright. so past few weeks have been insane crazy. i ended up in the hospital again. this time in the i.c.u. i woke up coughing up tons of blood, and had to be put on oxygen. did lots of procedures. nothing. fucking nothing. my lungs are beautiful. my gastro tract is beautiful. my esophagus is beautiful. fucking nothing is visibly wrong with me. they are at a total loss. they tell me to wait for it to happen again. yeah - wait for it to happen again. if you don't understand how fucking terrifying it is to wake up spitting cups of blood out onto your bed, and into a pot on your way to the hospital - you need to get your fucking head checked. i am so fucking scared. and i am having a fucking difficult time coming to terms with my body. i feel like my body has just betrayed me. i feel like a fucking prisoner to my fucking physicalities. i cry all the fucking time. i am so fucking depressed and sad and lost and terrified. my god i am so terrified.
i can't sleep. i can't concentrate. i can't fucking do anything without wondering when. when it will fucking happen again.
in some ways i feel like hey, i've got a clean bill of health. no lung cancer, no esophageal cancer, no stomach ulcers, no auto immune diseases, nothing. and don't get me wrong - that's fucking awesome. i feel so blessed that i don't have to face any of those horrifying diseases. but, i just wish someone could tell me what the fuck i have, and what the fuck to do. i am scared to do anything. i eat like a bird, i haven't had a drink in a month, i don't exercise, i move slowly, i sleep sitting upright. i'm so fucking paranoid.
they think it could be a few different things. uterine tissue in my lung (i've been on my period during all episodes), a cluster of bad capilaries, a ruptured vein, the start of something else. it's just all a bunch of maybes.
but whatever. it's part of god's plan, and already i have learned so much about myself that i never knew. i've learned i'm fucking hardcore. i am so much stronger than i ever thought i could be. and i've gone through so much more than i ever thought i could.
it's also showed me that i've lived my life in such a ridiculously self-absorbed manner. i try to spend as much time as possible with my family now. i love spending every moment with cody in an alert state. alcohol really fucked my life up. i cut myself short, i became forgetful, momentary, and lost sight of the bigger picture.
i now know that all i want from life is to spend the rest of it with my family. i can't wait to finish school, start my career, and settle down. i want children. i want property. i want the american dream.
ugh. in lighter news, we're MOVING! just down the block. haha. to a larger apartment. we've been buying all sorts of new stuff. we're changing our color scheme. so new throw pillows, new throws, new accents, new furniture. ohh. so exciting. i can't wait to see polly running around the new apartment. we can finally take all our furniture out of storage and put it to use! we move in on the 15th! which is awesome. i took valentine's day off so cody and i can go have a romantic day of buying new furniture and goodies for the new apartment. and then we have our dinner reservations. and i'm going to try to get the 15th off so i can help cody paint the walls and such! sooo exciting.
oh yeah and we got an xbox 360 that i seriously have not stopped playing until...now. it's seriously ridiculously absurdly addictive. the new grand theft auto is orgasmic.
i am getting my hair cut tomorrow. suhhhhweet. i really need to get some more blonde in my hair too. but i have to wait on that because ugghhh midterms and working all the fucking time!
my work, my friends, my family have all been so understanding of everything. nobody has pushed me too fast. everyone's given me time and support and love. it has been incredible.
AAAAAGH SO EXCITED TO MOVE. i seriously can't stop thinking about it!!!
anywho. back to the xbox.
xoxo
sara.
i can't sleep. i can't concentrate. i can't fucking do anything without wondering when. when it will fucking happen again.
in some ways i feel like hey, i've got a clean bill of health. no lung cancer, no esophageal cancer, no stomach ulcers, no auto immune diseases, nothing. and don't get me wrong - that's fucking awesome. i feel so blessed that i don't have to face any of those horrifying diseases. but, i just wish someone could tell me what the fuck i have, and what the fuck to do. i am scared to do anything. i eat like a bird, i haven't had a drink in a month, i don't exercise, i move slowly, i sleep sitting upright. i'm so fucking paranoid.
they think it could be a few different things. uterine tissue in my lung (i've been on my period during all episodes), a cluster of bad capilaries, a ruptured vein, the start of something else. it's just all a bunch of maybes.
but whatever. it's part of god's plan, and already i have learned so much about myself that i never knew. i've learned i'm fucking hardcore. i am so much stronger than i ever thought i could be. and i've gone through so much more than i ever thought i could.
it's also showed me that i've lived my life in such a ridiculously self-absorbed manner. i try to spend as much time as possible with my family now. i love spending every moment with cody in an alert state. alcohol really fucked my life up. i cut myself short, i became forgetful, momentary, and lost sight of the bigger picture.
i now know that all i want from life is to spend the rest of it with my family. i can't wait to finish school, start my career, and settle down. i want children. i want property. i want the american dream.
ugh. in lighter news, we're MOVING! just down the block. haha. to a larger apartment. we've been buying all sorts of new stuff. we're changing our color scheme. so new throw pillows, new throws, new accents, new furniture. ohh. so exciting. i can't wait to see polly running around the new apartment. we can finally take all our furniture out of storage and put it to use! we move in on the 15th! which is awesome. i took valentine's day off so cody and i can go have a romantic day of buying new furniture and goodies for the new apartment. and then we have our dinner reservations. and i'm going to try to get the 15th off so i can help cody paint the walls and such! sooo exciting.
oh yeah and we got an xbox 360 that i seriously have not stopped playing until...now. it's seriously ridiculously absurdly addictive. the new grand theft auto is orgasmic.
i am getting my hair cut tomorrow. suhhhhweet. i really need to get some more blonde in my hair too. but i have to wait on that because ugghhh midterms and working all the fucking time!
my work, my friends, my family have all been so understanding of everything. nobody has pushed me too fast. everyone's given me time and support and love. it has been incredible.
AAAAAGH SO EXCITED TO MOVE. i seriously can't stop thinking about it!!!
anywho. back to the xbox.
xoxo
sara.