(no subject)
went to the bean yesterday and sat with a woman from regina and her son and his friend (bike racers.)
i went to the park and hung out with coco and sam, the blissful fairy tree-climbers.
talked with victor temprano.
went for a skinny dip by my lonesome at my little place by paul's tomb.
went to the art house for a bbq.
it was alot of fun...great people live there whose lifestyles i respect upmostly.
but i feel like alot of the same issues come up everytime i get high, i'm having trouble working past them, moving on from past fears. will thc perpetually be associated with paranoia in me??
i came home to really fast black spiders in my bed. "do not fear the universe..."
inner progress is a choice, it is a choice to listen to inner wisdom, listen to the bones that are steadily, clearly saying yes to some things and no to others. to trust that wisdom when there are so many external temptations telling me to stay at the party or to eat more or to worry.
i have to move on.
i have to move out.
i need new footstep pattern routines.
i have to take more advantage of the fact that i am able to create my own reality, that my consciousness can effect things.
i've got a lot of old hurts from when i was kid that i need to heal up, heal up and move on.
it's amazing how potent childhood is in forming us!
tom should be back any moment i think.
i'm going through a whirlwind of emotions related to that.
anticipation, joy, fear, curiosity.
i will now try mutlitasking: loving tom AND myself, at the same time. possible??!?!
god damn i should hope so.
i'm grateful for this time apart, i haven't been this intune with my body and feelings for a long, long time.
it is crazy to think that at this time last year all i could think about was dying.
i've cleaned my room so that tom (or anyone else) may have a place to sit and relax and chill with me and listen to music or whatever like a room should be. i love that little room i must admit, it is a comfortable womb, and that is why i must leave, must birth myself out of it, because if you stay in a womb for too long it becomes your tomb.
moving out where? in kelowna? coco said her and couple of people are trying to find a place for the fall, asked me if i'd be interested.
janell and elise are moving to victoria, victoria? me, living there? who would have thought?
then there is vancouver, the rain city, with the streets i know already and the ones i don't, that mother and sister of mine, nope, today i don't want to move to vancouver.
i shouldn't need to say this, but can someone please remind me throughout the next months, years, lifetime, to not fucking forget my dreams?! remind me about teaching children, making children, making clothes, remind me about mexico, about organic farming, kayaking through the gulf islands, watching the aurora borealis in yellowknife, biking far and wide, learning yoga, singing freely, hiking the grand canyon. how could i let myself forget my dreams? they are important. and never ever should being in a relationship with someone compromise following my dreams. in blissful ideal theory, which is utterly possible, there should be no conflict. love and love should always be compatible.
what a ride this life is. what a ride.
i went to the park and hung out with coco and sam, the blissful fairy tree-climbers.
talked with victor temprano.
went for a skinny dip by my lonesome at my little place by paul's tomb.
went to the art house for a bbq.
it was alot of fun...great people live there whose lifestyles i respect upmostly.
but i feel like alot of the same issues come up everytime i get high, i'm having trouble working past them, moving on from past fears. will thc perpetually be associated with paranoia in me??
i came home to really fast black spiders in my bed. "do not fear the universe..."
inner progress is a choice, it is a choice to listen to inner wisdom, listen to the bones that are steadily, clearly saying yes to some things and no to others. to trust that wisdom when there are so many external temptations telling me to stay at the party or to eat more or to worry.
i have to move on.
i have to move out.
i need new footstep pattern routines.
i have to take more advantage of the fact that i am able to create my own reality, that my consciousness can effect things.
i've got a lot of old hurts from when i was kid that i need to heal up, heal up and move on.
it's amazing how potent childhood is in forming us!
tom should be back any moment i think.
i'm going through a whirlwind of emotions related to that.
anticipation, joy, fear, curiosity.
i will now try mutlitasking: loving tom AND myself, at the same time. possible??!?!
god damn i should hope so.
i'm grateful for this time apart, i haven't been this intune with my body and feelings for a long, long time.
it is crazy to think that at this time last year all i could think about was dying.
i've cleaned my room so that tom (or anyone else) may have a place to sit and relax and chill with me and listen to music or whatever like a room should be. i love that little room i must admit, it is a comfortable womb, and that is why i must leave, must birth myself out of it, because if you stay in a womb for too long it becomes your tomb.
moving out where? in kelowna? coco said her and couple of people are trying to find a place for the fall, asked me if i'd be interested.
janell and elise are moving to victoria, victoria? me, living there? who would have thought?
then there is vancouver, the rain city, with the streets i know already and the ones i don't, that mother and sister of mine, nope, today i don't want to move to vancouver.
i shouldn't need to say this, but can someone please remind me throughout the next months, years, lifetime, to not fucking forget my dreams?! remind me about teaching children, making children, making clothes, remind me about mexico, about organic farming, kayaking through the gulf islands, watching the aurora borealis in yellowknife, biking far and wide, learning yoga, singing freely, hiking the grand canyon. how could i let myself forget my dreams? they are important. and never ever should being in a relationship with someone compromise following my dreams. in blissful ideal theory, which is utterly possible, there should be no conflict. love and love should always be compatible.
what a ride this life is. what a ride.