2011 Illusion Mesh Trainwreck Awards!
Welcome to the Sixth Annual Figure Skating Costume Awards! This star-studded three-day event celebrates the best, worst, and gayest in ice skating costumes. I choose the costumes from among the senior Grand Prix skaters' competitive programs (short program/dance and free skate/dance). They're eligible even if the skater later changed costumes. Juniors, B competitions, practice gear, and gala costumes are off the table.
We begin today with the Illusion Mesh Trainwreck Awards. These dubious honors are given to the worst costumes of the season, with special attention paid to failures of illusion mesh fabric - flesh-toned fabric designed to look nude/invisible from a distance. I came up with nineteen contenders for this year's hall of infamy, which thistle90 and I narrowed down to ten feats of extraordinary ugliness.
Honorable Mentions
Cynthia Phaneuf (Canada), ladies' short program
From the front, not as unattractive as what she wore to the Olympics, but that heavy gold embroidery looks like a stumpy tail whenever she jumps or spins. Or worse: no figure skating costume should look like it has a big penis on the chest and a smaller one on the butt.
Kexin Zhang (China), ladies' free skate
Transcends the run-of-the-mill tacky ladies' costume with weird triangles of skirt fabric and a bodice that makes Zhang's chest even flatter than it is on its own.
Yuzuru Hanyu (Japan), men's free skate
I don't know what he was going for, but I'm pretty sure drag queen Han Solo wasn't it. The layers of ruching are a cool idea but end up looking disheveled and weird. And there is no context in which an illusion mesh miniskirt is appropriate menswear.
Valentina Marchei (Italy), ladies' free skate
I used to think there was no such thing as too much bling on a figure skating costume, but Marchei has proven me wrong. From a distance, she looks like a sparkly blob, and the strips of fabric ride up her butt when she spins. From close up, her breasts look like whoopie pies.
Amanda Evora & Mark Ladwig (USA), pairs free skate
Evora's costume is an unflattering color, and her tights clash with her skin. But the real offender is Ladwig's poufy shirt, bedazzled with spitballs and dunked in three incompatible shades of RIT dye. Worst, I can understand trying to avoid over-matchiness, but that doesn't mean choosing two vomity browns that clash with each other.
Isabella Tobias & Deividas Stagniunas (Lithuania), short dance
Is she wearing a last-minute cavewoman Halloween costume made of a bath mat and panty hose? If not, there's no excuse.
Xiaoyu Yu & Yang Jin, (China), pairs short program
I would like to snark on individual elements, but all I can think is, PLEASE NEVER DRESS A MAN LIKE THIS.
Paige Lawrence & Rudi Swiegers (Canada), pairs short program
I have given up wondering why people think it's flattering to cover the entire top half of a female skater's body with illusion mesh and moved on to more pressing concerns. Why would you leave her right breast "nude" except for a spider web? Why would you give her elbow-length illusion mesh sleeves? Why would you put a guy that good-looking in a jacket that ugly?
Bronze Medal
Adam Rippon (USA), men's short program
From a distance, it looks like he forgot his shirt. From close up, it looks like he's wearing a shirt made out of Clem.
Silver Medal
Adelina Sotnikova (Russia), ladies' free skate
It's bad enough that Sotnikova's styling and makeup make her look four years old. And then someone went to Michael's and glued scrapbooking supplies to her bathing suit.
Gold Medal
Ekaterina Bobrova & Dmitri Soloviev (Russia), free dance
You know it's bad when the Universal Sports commentators (okay, Tanith, but still) are complaining that the costume is distracting them from the skating. Bobrova's dress isn't just visually distracting; it interferes with my (and presumably the judges') ability to see her leg lines and edges. It's also a full bingo card of skating costume faux pas: random shredded dangling bits, stuff hanging off her leg, illusion mesh sleeves with globs of pasted-on lace, a high illusion mesh neck that doesn't match the skin tone of her face, red fingernails on her gloves, skirt that literally blinds her partner during lifts, feathers, glitter hearts, GLITTER SNAKES. His cravat and man-corset aren't helping, either. Congratulations, Russia, on another triumphant Grand Prix gold.
Tomorrow: this season's best costumes.
We begin today with the Illusion Mesh Trainwreck Awards. These dubious honors are given to the worst costumes of the season, with special attention paid to failures of illusion mesh fabric - flesh-toned fabric designed to look nude/invisible from a distance. I came up with nineteen contenders for this year's hall of infamy, which thistle90 and I narrowed down to ten feats of extraordinary ugliness.
Honorable Mentions
Cynthia Phaneuf (Canada), ladies' short program
From the front, not as unattractive as what she wore to the Olympics, but that heavy gold embroidery looks like a stumpy tail whenever she jumps or spins. Or worse: no figure skating costume should look like it has a big penis on the chest and a smaller one on the butt.
Kexin Zhang (China), ladies' free skate
Transcends the run-of-the-mill tacky ladies' costume with weird triangles of skirt fabric and a bodice that makes Zhang's chest even flatter than it is on its own.
Yuzuru Hanyu (Japan), men's free skate
I don't know what he was going for, but I'm pretty sure drag queen Han Solo wasn't it. The layers of ruching are a cool idea but end up looking disheveled and weird. And there is no context in which an illusion mesh miniskirt is appropriate menswear.
Valentina Marchei (Italy), ladies' free skate
I used to think there was no such thing as too much bling on a figure skating costume, but Marchei has proven me wrong. From a distance, she looks like a sparkly blob, and the strips of fabric ride up her butt when she spins. From close up, her breasts look like whoopie pies.
Amanda Evora & Mark Ladwig (USA), pairs free skate
Evora's costume is an unflattering color, and her tights clash with her skin. But the real offender is Ladwig's poufy shirt, bedazzled with spitballs and dunked in three incompatible shades of RIT dye. Worst, I can understand trying to avoid over-matchiness, but that doesn't mean choosing two vomity browns that clash with each other.
Isabella Tobias & Deividas Stagniunas (Lithuania), short dance
Is she wearing a last-minute cavewoman Halloween costume made of a bath mat and panty hose? If not, there's no excuse.
Xiaoyu Yu & Yang Jin, (China), pairs short program
I would like to snark on individual elements, but all I can think is, PLEASE NEVER DRESS A MAN LIKE THIS.
Paige Lawrence & Rudi Swiegers (Canada), pairs short program
I have given up wondering why people think it's flattering to cover the entire top half of a female skater's body with illusion mesh and moved on to more pressing concerns. Why would you leave her right breast "nude" except for a spider web? Why would you give her elbow-length illusion mesh sleeves? Why would you put a guy that good-looking in a jacket that ugly?
Bronze Medal
Adam Rippon (USA), men's short program
From a distance, it looks like he forgot his shirt. From close up, it looks like he's wearing a shirt made out of Clem.
Silver Medal
Adelina Sotnikova (Russia), ladies' free skate
It's bad enough that Sotnikova's styling and makeup make her look four years old. And then someone went to Michael's and glued scrapbooking supplies to her bathing suit.
Gold Medal
Ekaterina Bobrova & Dmitri Soloviev (Russia), free dance
You know it's bad when the Universal Sports commentators (okay, Tanith, but still) are complaining that the costume is distracting them from the skating. Bobrova's dress isn't just visually distracting; it interferes with my (and presumably the judges') ability to see her leg lines and edges. It's also a full bingo card of skating costume faux pas: random shredded dangling bits, stuff hanging off her leg, illusion mesh sleeves with globs of pasted-on lace, a high illusion mesh neck that doesn't match the skin tone of her face, red fingernails on her gloves, skirt that literally blinds her partner during lifts, feathers, glitter hearts, GLITTER SNAKES. His cravat and man-corset aren't helping, either. Congratulations, Russia, on another triumphant Grand Prix gold.
Tomorrow: this season's best costumes.