Nothing
I think I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't want to work on this game with people that I don't trust. I feel insecure and that's a difficult thing to admit. My art skills aren't what they need to be and I don't know if they can be what I want them to be. I have very little idea of what I want to do with my life.
I can't quite articulate this in any real and rational way where I don't want Garrett to convince me to stay.... I want to be convinced that I CAN do this and I am worth something here, but only because I want to be needed.... I want to believe that I'm a capable human being who has the ability to be part of a company and can stand up for herself in these situations, but maybe I can't. I'm emotional and quick to anger and that doesn't bode well for what I need to do.
I wish I could go back to Asia outdoors and not have anything be different. I want to climb with nico and Matt, and help trang and nha watch trang's son dung, and play with their dogs. I want to close the shop with Russell and drink beer on the roof with Jaap and Claire. I want to explore the island with Sinan and eat mangos at cannon fort with Ruth and Matt Raue.
I know that if I go back that everything will be different and that eventually I'll settle into it. Cat Ba changes as often as the weather here does. It's as volatile and as beautiful as the sea. That island is like nowhere else in the world.
There's a lot I want to talk about, to get my thoughts out of my brain. I don't know how to get there with Garrett again. Maybe we can't right now.
I want to just lie in bed.... But I also want to be a capable human being.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.