(no subject)
Every morning for the past few weeks I've been waking up at around 6am with butterflies in my stomach. I try to breathe and relax and make the feeling of anxiety go away, but all it does is make me more awake and more aware of how I'm feeling. Honestly, I feel like shit... I can barely lead a 5.7 without freezing at this point and it makes me want to throw up. All I want is the confidence to do these climbs and feel as amazing as I did before.
Part of this stems from my relationship with Garrett and the strain that exists there, but part of it is something else. Part of it is trying to find a good social balance yet again, part of it is wondering if I really should go back home after July/August or if Australia or Laos are better options, part of it is all the shit I need to do at work and don't know if I can accomplish.
I think this is a funk that I can psych myself out of, but I'm not sure what it will take. I feel my support system slipping, Lee and russell are leaving, and I'm here with all the newbies who I hired (and some of them are probably mistakes,) Everyone else is still good but I can't help think about Sinan when I see Chris and it does make me a little sad.
I can't find decently priced flights to HK and I'm not really sure what to do. The train is confusing but Matt and Si did it a while ago for the Petzl trip so it shouldn't be too hard I guess.... I dont know how to get the visa and the internet isnt helping.
Part of me wants to say fuck it because it's a shit ton of money for like... 7 days, I'd probably lose my room, I'd end up being emotionally and physically drained and fairly miserable when coming back, but I really really want to see Garrett. I feel like I need to see him and that this feels like some sort of test that I'm not prepared for. I miss being around him and having that inspiration and happiness I get when he's with me, but maybe that can wait? I feel overwhelmed.
I feel like I really don't have anyone to talk to anymore... I feel like I can talk to most of my friends here about how I'm feeling, but I also feel like I can't REALLY talk to anyone, because of the lack of emotional investment that people are willing to give sometimes, and I get that... I want to go back to being thorougly jazzed on everything like I was when I came back from Mai Chau. Why can't that feeling come back?
Part of this stems from my relationship with Garrett and the strain that exists there, but part of it is something else. Part of it is trying to find a good social balance yet again, part of it is wondering if I really should go back home after July/August or if Australia or Laos are better options, part of it is all the shit I need to do at work and don't know if I can accomplish.
I think this is a funk that I can psych myself out of, but I'm not sure what it will take. I feel my support system slipping, Lee and russell are leaving, and I'm here with all the newbies who I hired (and some of them are probably mistakes,) Everyone else is still good but I can't help think about Sinan when I see Chris and it does make me a little sad.
I can't find decently priced flights to HK and I'm not really sure what to do. The train is confusing but Matt and Si did it a while ago for the Petzl trip so it shouldn't be too hard I guess.... I dont know how to get the visa and the internet isnt helping.
Part of me wants to say fuck it because it's a shit ton of money for like... 7 days, I'd probably lose my room, I'd end up being emotionally and physically drained and fairly miserable when coming back, but I really really want to see Garrett. I feel like I need to see him and that this feels like some sort of test that I'm not prepared for. I miss being around him and having that inspiration and happiness I get when he's with me, but maybe that can wait? I feel overwhelmed.
I feel like I really don't have anyone to talk to anymore... I feel like I can talk to most of my friends here about how I'm feeling, but I also feel like I can't REALLY talk to anyone, because of the lack of emotional investment that people are willing to give sometimes, and I get that... I want to go back to being thorougly jazzed on everything like I was when I came back from Mai Chau. Why can't that feeling come back?