(no subject)
I'm not sure what i want to do with this, so I'm just posting it here. If I can't be unnecessarily emo in my own LJ where can i right?
here goes.
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I love you. I have for a long time. it seems easiest to start with that, and work from there. I love your smile, your laugh, your completely off the wall esoteric sense of humor. I love the way we get the same jokes. I love that you're always listening, even when I don't think you are. I love your crazy calculating self. I love the you that becomes a puddle over kittens. I love the way you know everything about me and decide I'm still worth your time. I love that you were there in the hardest times for me, the times where there seemed to be no light. I love that you cried for me then, and talked me down, and stayed on the phone until i fell asleep. I love our 6 hour middle of the night phone calls on nights where we both knew we had to get up early and didn't care, we'd sit and watch Case Closed and joke back and forth until gram came home. I love that you devised a way for me to call your home phone without it ringing so you wouldn't get caught. I love that you take the time to be my friend. this is not a word I usually throw around without thinking about it, and I'm not being arbitrary about it now. I've thought about it, for five years I've thought about it, and it remains true.
You're not him. Therein lies the problem.
I can't look at him without wishing he was you. We're falling apart as it is; i can see things ready to burst. The screaming, the holes in walls... You keep trying to reassure me, and I thank you for it, but I'm not even sure I want to fix this anymore. what I want... is to have you. I know that's an impossibility, I know you think its a bad idea. Its not going to happen. I don't know why my brain won't accept that.
I recognize your faults. Please don't think i see you as perfect. I don't idolize you, I don't think you're a valiant angel sent to save me. I just think you are crazy, fucked up you, and that's enough for me. Its more than enough. Its more than I'm worth and more than i deserve.
You have her. What you two have might not be perfect, but you have each other. I care about both of you, and I don't want to see that get ruined. You love her, whether you fully realize you do or not, and that's something I'd have to get used to whether I was with him or not. My ultimate goal is your happiness, after all.
I try to get along. I'm trying to push it back like it was before, make it not matter. I'm not sure that's doable anymore.
I'm not sure where to go from here.
...I'm starting to think we can't be friends.
here goes.
---------
I love you. I have for a long time. it seems easiest to start with that, and work from there. I love your smile, your laugh, your completely off the wall esoteric sense of humor. I love the way we get the same jokes. I love that you're always listening, even when I don't think you are. I love your crazy calculating self. I love the you that becomes a puddle over kittens. I love the way you know everything about me and decide I'm still worth your time. I love that you were there in the hardest times for me, the times where there seemed to be no light. I love that you cried for me then, and talked me down, and stayed on the phone until i fell asleep. I love our 6 hour middle of the night phone calls on nights where we both knew we had to get up early and didn't care, we'd sit and watch Case Closed and joke back and forth until gram came home. I love that you devised a way for me to call your home phone without it ringing so you wouldn't get caught. I love that you take the time to be my friend. this is not a word I usually throw around without thinking about it, and I'm not being arbitrary about it now. I've thought about it, for five years I've thought about it, and it remains true.
You're not him. Therein lies the problem.
I can't look at him without wishing he was you. We're falling apart as it is; i can see things ready to burst. The screaming, the holes in walls... You keep trying to reassure me, and I thank you for it, but I'm not even sure I want to fix this anymore. what I want... is to have you. I know that's an impossibility, I know you think its a bad idea. Its not going to happen. I don't know why my brain won't accept that.
I recognize your faults. Please don't think i see you as perfect. I don't idolize you, I don't think you're a valiant angel sent to save me. I just think you are crazy, fucked up you, and that's enough for me. Its more than enough. Its more than I'm worth and more than i deserve.
You have her. What you two have might not be perfect, but you have each other. I care about both of you, and I don't want to see that get ruined. You love her, whether you fully realize you do or not, and that's something I'd have to get used to whether I was with him or not. My ultimate goal is your happiness, after all.
I try to get along. I'm trying to push it back like it was before, make it not matter. I'm not sure that's doable anymore.
I'm not sure where to go from here.
...I'm starting to think we can't be friends.