Personal Issues
There has been so much on my mind lately. I feel often, more than not, that I have no one to blame but myself for the way things have progressed. In my eyes, that is how I have seen things for a long time. Yes, I have had both friends and loved ones tell me that I am not to blame. But, that doesn’t change how I feel.
My family is dealing with little stresses that have slowly built up over the last 6-11 months. Each of these stresses has caused many arguments, heated discussions, and quite a few angry words and tears.
The main stress is our finances. Granted, most people I am friends with are having similar problems with finances. (For me, it hits harder because I blame myself, based on my personal actions, for this mess. Yes, it is a horrible habit; but, I have been this way since I was roughly 16.) We basically live paycheck to paycheck and often have to “rob Peter to pay Paul”. My children have expressed their own anger and resentment at the situation - which only worsens how I feel. And, no matter what thoughts I may personally have, I currently feel lost in that stress.
The second true stress is the cramped living spaces that we have. Due to a failed personal relationship a few years back, I moved back in with my mother. This wasn’t so bad at 1st because we made it work. But, with the addition of my newest son and his father, the apartment is even smaller. When you have 3 adults and 3 children living in a 2-bedroom home, it can get cramped quickly. Unfortunately, when it is not only the people but their assorted belongings and junk, it makes it really hard to get around one another.
The third stress, especially in the last 3-4 months has been having only one vehicle. This stress won’t change for some time. Financially, there is no means to acquire a second vehicle. Both drivers have to arrange appointments and personal business (or use of said vehicle) around the entire family. Thanks to that, most of the time, one is left without a vehicle for most of the time. As our family is “big”, this car is too small for us to travel all at one time comfortably. (We do it at least once a week somehow!) But, until stress #1 changes, this will continue to be another stress.
One plus is that I have turned in a new application to where I worked before I had the baby. Unfortunately, from what I have heard, there may not be any openings, no matter how much my previous manager may want me back. So, I plan on talking to her next week to see if there is an opening and going from there.
A second plus is that B applied online for an off-hours receiving/stocking job with Toys R Us. He received a call this morning and has group orientation Monday afternoon. The hours should be 10pm to 6 am, according to the job description. He said that he is going to talk to the interviewer about what nights.
So, I do seriously hope that he can get hired on and work at least 5 nights a week. And, right now, since I don’t have a job, I’ll be able to take care of our son while he rests during the daytime. :)
Now, if I do get a call back from my previous manager, I can hopefully arrange for my hours to be within the time I listed on the application. If this comes to pass, B is confident that he can take care of our son while I am at work - even if he gets the night job.
The only other issue I seem to have is more personal. Since my OB/GYN released me, I have had issues being intimate with B. I know that it takes time for some women afterward, but this is ridiculous. I feel so hurt that when he tries to be affectionate, no matter how, I seem to push him away. I cannot explain how I feel to him - because I don’t understand myself.
Now, to be brutally honest, the only “us” time we truly have is on the weekends. Blessedly enough, this is because his grandmother loves to have our son every chance she can get. But, there have been more times than not, I just couldn’t get “in the mood”. I freaking hate this! I want so much to be affectionate and passionate with B…but for some reason I can’t.
Based on the above, I fear sometimes that I am possibly driving a wedge between B & I. He tells me that it doesn’t matter to him that we can’t be intimate as much as he or I might like. Yet, I don’t see how he can deal with being pushed away without resenting me in the process. Hell, I know that I would resent someone after times of being pushed away - only because I have dealt with that before.
I think I might just go lie down for a little while. I feel like crying myself to sleep and praying that it will help relieve all the tension in my body. But, knowing me…probably not.
To shed tears of frustration in hopes of relaxation…
My family is dealing with little stresses that have slowly built up over the last 6-11 months. Each of these stresses has caused many arguments, heated discussions, and quite a few angry words and tears.
The main stress is our finances. Granted, most people I am friends with are having similar problems with finances. (For me, it hits harder because I blame myself, based on my personal actions, for this mess. Yes, it is a horrible habit; but, I have been this way since I was roughly 16.) We basically live paycheck to paycheck and often have to “rob Peter to pay Paul”. My children have expressed their own anger and resentment at the situation - which only worsens how I feel. And, no matter what thoughts I may personally have, I currently feel lost in that stress.
The second true stress is the cramped living spaces that we have. Due to a failed personal relationship a few years back, I moved back in with my mother. This wasn’t so bad at 1st because we made it work. But, with the addition of my newest son and his father, the apartment is even smaller. When you have 3 adults and 3 children living in a 2-bedroom home, it can get cramped quickly. Unfortunately, when it is not only the people but their assorted belongings and junk, it makes it really hard to get around one another.
The third stress, especially in the last 3-4 months has been having only one vehicle. This stress won’t change for some time. Financially, there is no means to acquire a second vehicle. Both drivers have to arrange appointments and personal business (or use of said vehicle) around the entire family. Thanks to that, most of the time, one is left without a vehicle for most of the time. As our family is “big”, this car is too small for us to travel all at one time comfortably. (We do it at least once a week somehow!) But, until stress #1 changes, this will continue to be another stress.
One plus is that I have turned in a new application to where I worked before I had the baby. Unfortunately, from what I have heard, there may not be any openings, no matter how much my previous manager may want me back. So, I plan on talking to her next week to see if there is an opening and going from there.
A second plus is that B applied online for an off-hours receiving/stocking job with Toys R Us. He received a call this morning and has group orientation Monday afternoon. The hours should be 10pm to 6 am, according to the job description. He said that he is going to talk to the interviewer about what nights.
So, I do seriously hope that he can get hired on and work at least 5 nights a week. And, right now, since I don’t have a job, I’ll be able to take care of our son while he rests during the daytime. :)
Now, if I do get a call back from my previous manager, I can hopefully arrange for my hours to be within the time I listed on the application. If this comes to pass, B is confident that he can take care of our son while I am at work - even if he gets the night job.
The only other issue I seem to have is more personal. Since my OB/GYN released me, I have had issues being intimate with B. I know that it takes time for some women afterward, but this is ridiculous. I feel so hurt that when he tries to be affectionate, no matter how, I seem to push him away. I cannot explain how I feel to him - because I don’t understand myself.
Now, to be brutally honest, the only “us” time we truly have is on the weekends. Blessedly enough, this is because his grandmother loves to have our son every chance she can get. But, there have been more times than not, I just couldn’t get “in the mood”. I freaking hate this! I want so much to be affectionate and passionate with B…but for some reason I can’t.
Based on the above, I fear sometimes that I am possibly driving a wedge between B & I. He tells me that it doesn’t matter to him that we can’t be intimate as much as he or I might like. Yet, I don’t see how he can deal with being pushed away without resenting me in the process. Hell, I know that I would resent someone after times of being pushed away - only because I have dealt with that before.
I think I might just go lie down for a little while. I feel like crying myself to sleep and praying that it will help relieve all the tension in my body. But, knowing me…probably not.
To shed tears of frustration in hopes of relaxation…