***revelation***
so mandi has been entering some seriously one-sided and very bitter entries lately about me and my life and i really don't care that everyone knows what's going on i just wish everyone could understand that it's life and it's me having fun and it's me being 19 and it's me still completely loving women but wanting to learn to love men for who they are, also. for the past four years of my life i haven't given a single guy a chance simply because of the fact that every single guy is of the male sex. i want everyone to know that i left new orleans because craig raped me and i'm HORRIFIED of ever returning so please don't feel that i don't care or i don't want to see anyone. i drive through metairie fearing he'll find me and kill me or something even worse. i don't need "i told you so's" or anything like that. i don't need sympathy either. it's just something i was dumb enough to put myself in the situation for. it's my own fault and that's fine. i guess it just really fucked with my head. i couldn't leave the apartment. i was stuck in 420 square feet of weed and coke. i never wanted to go to school and that's why i let myself fail all my classes. i didn't even tell mandi any of this until we had alreayd moved out here and made a life. she's bitter that i took her away from new orleans and the life she knows but it's better for me out here. i met a guy and he's a really cool friend and we tried to have sex but things got too complicated. i don't like him in any way near what it would take to have a relationship and i did not break up with mandi because of my feelings for Gene. i don't want to go through life being one-sided and closed minded. maybe i am just a nympho...maybe i'm just 19 and i don't want to shut out the rest of the world. i'm in school and working 40 hours a week and trying to fix whatever friendship and possibly whatever relationship mandi and i have. i'm making new friends but they don't even begin to compare to the friends i have back in new orleans. i miss all of you and wish i could go back to the life i lived last year and previous to then but i can't. i can't ever move back to new orleans. i have to keep going forward. i'm learning to live life one day at a time and enjoy the company i keep. i'm trying to be more care free but at the same time maintain a stable lifestyle where i feel secure. although i'm 6 hours away i'm still scared of running into craig. i don't really go anywhere alone and i try not to put myself in dangerous situations. he has all of my personal information and for anyone who's been in any sort of situation like this it's fucking scary. anyway, there's my explanation of the past couple weeks. i'm sure it's not very good or complete but it's all i have for now. :) ~jessie