First thing is that I've noticed too many people think they can get away with anything. You can't break someone's trust, say you're sorry and expect things to just be magically OK. In this case, if the girl is in a relationship with guy A, she shouldn't be doing anything that could count as being more than friends with guy B. That's cheating. End of story. If she's cheating, guy A should stand up and say, this is over. Anything is just telling her that her actions were at least understandable, and she'll likely do it again (and again and again). To make things worse, she won't fuck guy A, but did fuck guy B. No matter the circumstances, you don't have sex with someone you're not in a relationship with if you are in a relationship. Basically, I'm big on waiting till marriage for sex, but what this girl did makes her a complete hypocrite. If she'll easily go and have sex with a guy she's not dating, but not with the guy she is dating, there's a serious issue with her relative to the relationship. Maybe she's dating Guy A for a reason other than love. Maybe he's comfortable to be around, but not all that attractive. I don't know. I don't know these people. I think that waiting for marriage for sex is generally good, cheating is always bad, sleeping with someone other than the person you're dating is simply awful. If you're dating a girl, engaged to a girl, or married to a girl and she fucks another guy, you are a complete moron if you do not end the relationship permanently no matter how much it hurts to lose her. It's only going to get worse. You've seen, I've seen that. What she did was wrong and unfair to her boyfriend regardless of how he acted. If it was so traumatizing to her to see him completely make an ass of himself, she should have dumped him first. Maybe she was scared to, but that doesn't justify sleeping with another guy. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you don't pay the price for your mistakes, you will make them again and again. If guy A goes back to the girl, she will not have paid the price, and he is making a mistake he will likely pay for in the future. Trust is not cheap.
From what it sounded like, she was in love with Guy 1 and in lust with Guy 2, but trusted both. Before that night she hadn't done any thing that would have been considered cheating. Guy 1 knew that she was attracted to Guy 2 almost as much as she was to him, but she wasn't interested in a relationship with Guy 2. The two things I find most frustrating are 1.) How do you make a girl who is convinced that she isn't good enough for you, understand that you love her and want to be with her despite what she insists are faults you won't be able to overlook? and 2.) If she hurt you like that and you wanted to punish her, make her feel as bad as you do; but you still cared about her, what would you do? Sure, she feels guilty about cheating on you, but guilt doesn't eat away at you as hard as betrayal. Sure you could hurt yourself (not nessecarily physically, but destroy everything about your personality that she was attracted to), but in the end I still don't think it would hurt as much and you're humanity would be beyond saving. Honestly, is there any pain worse than that kind of betrayal? Aside from an equally big betrayal (which almost can't happen because you can never have the same relationship as before to destroy and you don't want her hurt phisically.) I really wouldn't know.
Oh, I can think of worse things, but they would have to do with other really over the top bad things. It's not really about punishing anyone. Basically if it takes that little for her to betray Guy 1 (a really stressful/scary situation) and go have comfort sex with any one else, she will do it again sooner or later or something else very damaging of trust sooner or later. If Guy 1 stays with this girl, he's going to be in this horrible situation of lacking trust and potentially a self-destructive relationship. If he leaves, she may learn a lesson, she may just feel horrible, but it's what I would say is the correct response. There are so many people in the world that both the girl and Guy 1 and even Guy 2 can find someone who will be honest and trustworthy and worthy of their love and affection.
I think the trust would be severely lacking if Guy 1 gets back with the girl. The girl did something that is a red flag that it is not the right relationship, so Guy 1 should look for someone more deserving of his love and effort, etc. The worst thing is if Guy 1 and the girl do try to move forward, he will never forget what has happened. His trust will be damaged and even while trying to avoid letting that affect the relationship, it always will. It could lead to and attitude towards the girl that leads her to resent him, thus causing stress or fights, thus giving her reason to cheat again, thus starting this cycle over and over because he forgave her once and took her back, maybe he will again and again.
This is something I have seen in too many marriages and while this isn't a marriage, it's the same problem of trust, betrayal, and cheating. It should be easier to leave the relationship for greener pastures than a multi-year marriage or even a multi-month marriage.
I hope this helps. Whoever guy 1 is, he's probably in a lot of pain, but there is always another girl. I'm sure he can find someone who is better for him and honest and will be faithful to him. Seriously, cheating is not just some spur of the moment thing. There are other problems that are much deeper that are not obvious or not being corrected. With the type of setback to trust and communication that a one night stand or affair can bring, it severely weakens the odds of the problems being fixed. I would say they are even less likely to be fixed in just a dating relationship where there has been as much time and effort put into the relationship or as much at stake as in a marriage.
I understand where your advice is coming from and I really appreciate it. Fortunatly this is a fictional situation and I'm really interested in, not so much your thoughts on the relationship, but your answers to those two questions.
1.) How do you make a girl who is convinced that she isn't good enough for you, understand that you love her and want to be with her despite what she insists are faults you won't be able to overlook?
2.)If she hurt you like that and you wanted to punish her, make her feel as bad as you do; but you still cared about her, what would you do?
1. It takes a lot of time. It depends a lot on the girl, but in general, you spend a lot of time telling her you love her and being with her and helping her with things. Some people have mental issues that will prevent anything from working from their friends, significant others, etc. and may honestly need therapy and counseling to realize that people can see past their faults and love them for who they are. For most girls though, putting in the effort to be with them and show and tell them that you love them will work over time. It can be enhanced by her knowing that you're with her when you could be with friends or doing something you really enjoy, but she needs to understand that you are with her because you'd rather be with her than doing the other things. Balance is a key issue here though as if the girl doesn't get it, you are throwing away your life on a person who may become more depressed by you taking pity even if you aren't. You also can't let it become a parasitic relationship by her becoming someone who is only happy when you're showing that you are interested in her and care about her. You really have to keep your eyes open and do everything you can for her while making sure what you do is making it better and not worse or making her stronger and not codependent. Balance is very key. I can give you a lot of real world examples with this one, but I don't want to do that where anyone can read my comments.
2. Punishing adults is very very tricky as you are not police, judge, and jury and it's not like spanking a child. There are many way to punish someone though, and many of them will make you appear to be the bad person. In many cases, leaving the person, no matter how much you care about them, is the best thing to do. It's punishment in a form, but I would think of it as the best way to keep everyone's future bright, but since we've beat this to death, I'll give some alternatives, but it's hard to not look like an asshole in the progress. The first thing with any relationship issue generally is make it clear that her behavior is completely not ok and stress that she should never do that again. It's not punishment (and it's too little in the case of cheating), but it saves you from being a horrible person and adults need to stand up and control their actions themselves as you will not be able to for them. For a punishment, a constant guilt trip is not too self destructive. Little opportunities for awhile to burn in what she did and how it was wrong and how it hurt you can having a lasting affect. Take it too far and you could scar her for life for the current relationship and future ones, but if a girl has cheated on you, you're likely to be scarred to, so you may be able to justify that to yourself. I think it's always good (though we don't always succeed) to stay above what you don't like. Eye for eye leaves everyone blind after all. You can attempt to take away a piece of the relationship that she really enjoys for a bit. Say it's while she regains your trust. This could lead to her cheating again, but at least that would prove she can't be trusted by you. If you know her well enough, you can probably find an action you enjoy that she hates. Maybe it's you buying something. So she hurts you badly, you buy a fancy new car (extreme example). Maybe she hates it when you smoke or drink so you do that a little or a lot. If she's upset by it, you can say, well you cheated on me and this isn't nearly as bad, or this helps me get over it, or whatever. It will upset/hurt her and throw it back in her face that she screwed up first. Unfortunately these leave you doing things that you arguably shouldn't. Revenge buying for when your significant other hurts you is likely to only make things worse unless the problem is being well talked over before hand. If you know someone well, you can torture/punish them worse than anyone else though. I really don't think punishing adults works well in this light though. I feel it tends to be destructive of yourself and the relationship. It's best to take the high road. Make it clear what's acceptable to each other. Make it clear that there are consequences too. Abide by those consequences. Once again examples available privately.
One more thing I thought of. Showing you care for someone who thinks you can't get past her mistakes and faults and punishing her simultaneously would be very very difficult.
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The two things I find most frustrating are 1.) How do you make a girl who is convinced that she isn't good enough for you, understand that you love her and want to be with her despite what she insists are faults you won't be able to overlook? and 2.) If she hurt you like that and you wanted to punish her, make her feel as bad as you do; but you still cared about her, what would you do? Sure, she feels guilty about cheating on you, but guilt doesn't eat away at you as hard as betrayal. Sure you could hurt yourself (not nessecarily physically, but destroy everything about your personality that she was attracted to), but in the end I still don't think it would hurt as much and you're humanity would be beyond saving. Honestly, is there any pain worse than that kind of betrayal? Aside from an equally big betrayal (which almost can't happen because you can never have the same relationship as before to destroy and you don't want her hurt phisically.) I really wouldn't know.
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I think the trust would be severely lacking if Guy 1 gets back with the girl. The girl did something that is a red flag that it is not the right relationship, so Guy 1 should look for someone more deserving of his love and effort, etc. The worst thing is if Guy 1 and the girl do try to move forward, he will never forget what has happened. His trust will be damaged and even while trying to avoid letting that affect the relationship, it always will. It could lead to and attitude towards the girl that leads her to resent him, thus causing stress or fights, thus giving her reason to cheat again, thus starting this cycle over and over because he forgave her once and took her back, maybe he will again and again.
This is something I have seen in too many marriages and while this isn't a marriage, it's the same problem of trust, betrayal, and cheating. It should be easier to leave the relationship for greener pastures than a multi-year marriage or even a multi-month marriage.
I hope this helps. Whoever guy 1 is, he's probably in a lot of pain, but there is always another girl. I'm sure he can find someone who is better for him and honest and will be faithful to him. Seriously, cheating is not just some spur of the moment thing. There are other problems that are much deeper that are not obvious or not being corrected. With the type of setback to trust and communication that a one night stand or affair can bring, it severely weakens the odds of the problems being fixed. I would say they are even less likely to be fixed in just a dating relationship where there has been as much time and effort put into the relationship or as much at stake as in a marriage.
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1.) How do you make a girl who is convinced that she isn't good enough for you, understand that you love her and want to be with her despite what she insists are faults you won't be able to overlook?
2.)If she hurt you like that and you wanted to punish her, make her feel as bad as you do; but you still cared about her, what would you do?
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2. Punishing adults is very very tricky as you are not police, judge, and jury and it's not like spanking a child. There are many way to punish someone though, and many of them will make you appear to be the bad person. In many cases, leaving the person, no matter how much you care about them, is the best thing to do. It's punishment in a form, but I would think of it as the best way to keep everyone's future bright, but since we've beat this to death, I'll give some alternatives, but it's hard to not look like an asshole in the progress. The first thing with any relationship issue generally is make it clear that her behavior is completely not ok and stress that she should never do that again. It's not punishment (and it's too little in the case of cheating), but it saves you from being a horrible person and adults need to stand up and control their actions themselves as you will not be able to for them. For a punishment, a constant guilt trip is not too self destructive. Little opportunities for awhile to burn in what she did and how it was wrong and how it hurt you can having a lasting affect. Take it too far and you could scar her for life for the current relationship and future ones, but if a girl has cheated on you, you're likely to be scarred to, so you may be able to justify that to yourself. I think it's always good (though we don't always succeed) to stay above what you don't like. Eye for eye leaves everyone blind after all. You can attempt to take away a piece of the relationship that she really enjoys for a bit. Say it's while she regains your trust. This could lead to her cheating again, but at least that would prove she can't be trusted by you. If you know her well enough, you can probably find an action you enjoy that she hates. Maybe it's you buying something. So she hurts you badly, you buy a fancy new car (extreme example). Maybe she hates it when you smoke or drink so you do that a little or a lot. If she's upset by it, you can say, well you cheated on me and this isn't nearly as bad, or this helps me get over it, or whatever. It will upset/hurt her and throw it back in her face that she screwed up first. Unfortunately these leave you doing things that you arguably shouldn't. Revenge buying for when your significant other hurts you is likely to only make things worse unless the problem is being well talked over before hand. If you know someone well, you can torture/punish them worse than anyone else though. I really don't think punishing adults works well in this light though. I feel it tends to be destructive of yourself and the relationship. It's best to take the high road. Make it clear what's acceptable to each other. Make it clear that there are consequences too. Abide by those consequences. Once again examples available privately.
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