Top 10 Worst Love Songs - In honor of Valentine's Day
Valentine’s Day. It means something different to everyone. For some, it’s a red heart and pink confetti filled day to celebrate all the clichéd trappings of love in modern times. For others, it’s an unpleasant reminder of single-hood that inspires disgust, loathing, and verbal tirades against anything bearing the moniker “Hallmark.” For me it’s a Thursday, but then I’ve never been too much of a romantic.
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I present the top ten worst love songs ever made. Whether you’re in love, out of love, or simply wondering what drinks Bodega is going to have on special, here are the love songs you love to hate.
10. Every Breath You Take by The Police
Is it a good song? Yes. Is it a love song? Many people seem to think so, poor misguided souls. Actually, Sting wrote this little ditty AFTER separating from his wife; making this particular song an ode to stalking. “Every single day, every word you say…I’ll be watching you.” Sounds like someone needs a restraining order.
9. Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney
Aw, isn’t it cute? A prepubescent boy singing a tribute to all those lovely qualities a girl can have on the inside. Lovely, right? Only if you are a soul-sucking demon with cannibalistic tendencies. “I don’t want another pretty face…I want you and your beautiful soul.” Thanks, but I think I’m going to keep my soul right where it is, out of devouring range. Mental note, keep holy water on hand.
8. I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight by Cutting Crew
Well, isn’t that a lovely sentiment? Death and romance. With lyrics like “I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said” I don’t understand how this song acquired the following it did. The only red I want to see on Valentine’s Day is in a card or a wine glass, not in the blood of a date who happens to perish in my lap.
7. All Out of Love by Air Supply
This has to be one of the whiniest songs created in the history of the human race. The song is 4 minutes of “heart-felt” wailing by a guy who didn’t have the backbone to accept what was offered to him and the woman finally wised up and walked away. This isn’t love, this is psychiatric-level dependency. There’s a difference.
6. All I Want to Do is Make Love to You by Heart
Ok, let’s define some terms here. “All I want to do is make love to you, one night of love, that’s all we knew.” That isn’t love, that is something different known as the “one night stand.” Love rarely factors in to one night stands, though alcohol usually makes an appearance. In this case, motherhood also makes an appearance. Talk about a mood killer.
5. How Can We Be Lovers by Michael Bolton
Bolton asks a question for the ages; “how can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?” The answer to this one is simple, you can’t. Being able to stand someone’s company is kind of important in order for the whole love thing to work. If you can’t even be friends and love isn’t working out for you, you may want to see Heart for tips on a one night stand thing instead.
4. Eternal Flame by The Bangles.
“Is this burning an eternal flame?” I don’t know much about flames, eternal or otherwise, but if your lover has left you burning, may I suggest a trip to the med clinic? That “burning” may be something requiring a healthy dose penicillin in order to make it stop.
3. Stand by Your Man by Tammy Wynette
An aria to dependent, needy, infantile girls everywhere, Wynette’s lyrics are enough to make any sensible woman cringe in disgust. If the lyrics don’t do you in, the pitch of her voice will.
2. I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston
If for no other reason than the fact that this song has been butchered mercilessly at every karaoke bar in the country, Houston’s version of the theme from The Bodyguard is on the list. Personally, I think Houston’s version is still preferable to Dolly Parton’s version, but only just.
1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
This song is so intertwined with that overblown behemoth of a movie, “Titanic,” that it is impossible to separate the two. Add the re-releases of this song that actually featured dialogue from the film, and you’ve officially tainted the eardrums of the population. I was 15 when this song debuted, and to this day I still have an immediate gag reflex upon hearing the first few bars. Jack Dawson may have been king of the world, but this song is king of the worst love songs list.