Engagement Myth
My wedding day might be among the happiest days of my life, if not the happiest. My surprise proposal was definitely at the top of the best moments of my life.
The engagement period itself...not so much...at least not yet.
There is so much that I/we need to do and it's mind-boggling. We need to book a wedding date and venue. We need to buy a house. We need to learn how to buy said house. We need to figure out both of our interim living situations. We need to find lawyers. We need to figure out our finances. I need to turn in my final paper and do well in my class this semester. I need to get oral surgery. I need to get ready for the camping trip with the scouts, figure out my travel plans for my sister's graduation, figure out what we're doing for Ari's sister's graduation. I need Shabbat plans for this week. This all has to happen RIGHT NOW.
Meanwhile, my interpersonal relationships are deteriorating. I can't keep in touch with anyone, friend or family. Family relationships are falling apart. I can't have a normal conversation with anyone. At the rate things are going, I'll spend a fortune on the wedding, especially on the enormous hall, so all friends and family can come, and yet the friends won't come because they won't want to, because I've been ignoring them and speaking to them only when I need to. And my family members will come, but they'll be pissed because I blew them off during the engagement and wedding planning period.
The backlash I've gotten from family re: my wedding ideas surprised me. I didn't think anything I envisioned was so controversial. The other surprise is the effect that it has on me. I'm a reasonable person. My mother and father are reasonable people. But because they rejected an idea that I really liked before I had a chance to flesh it out, now I'm acting unreasonably. Every time they make a reasonable suggestion or point out a legitimate flaw about a venue or an idea or something, I feel the strongest urge to buck them and do it anyway, just to be contrary. I can't even listen to them without getting irritated, even if rationally, I know they've said nothing irritating.
I feel pressured, not sure why because the truth is that I'm surrounded by people who won't shun us for being different, but I feel pressured nonetheless. And I feel angry all the time, but I'm not sure with whom. It's like I want to yell my desire to do something different in an obnoxious way. I don't want to do the wedding at the same synagogue where Ari's cousin married because I want to be different. I don't want a cookie-cutter cheap Orthodox wedding in Lakewood or Brooklyn, even if that's the most cost-effective way to marry because I want to be me and I am not a cookie-cutter. I don't want to have chuppah under the sky, a poufy dress, bridesmaids/groomsmen, flower girls, (or actually, flowers period), wedding cake, champagne, a color scheme, a theme, Hebrew invitations, bridal shower, limos, a hotel suite - why should I not be able to reject traditions that have no meaning for me - especially because there are so many things I already have to do. I want to be me in an obnoxious, not cost-effective way.
Whoever "me" is. I have never owned or wanted to own anything vintage in my life and yet, the wedding dresses I am most drawn to are the vintage ones, which is odd, but not a bad thing. That was a pleasant discovery. But overall, wedding planning seems to bring out an unpleasant personality trait in me, that ability to blow everyone off and be angry for no good reason. I don't actually like "me" very much these days, and yet I'm having a hard time snapping out of it.
I love Ari and I just want to be married already. But the other uncomfortable truth is that I'm not ready to get married (that' probably why I've been wasting time on illogical wedding plans to avoid owning up to that truth). I am clueless about my finances. I have money, thank G-d, but it's probably invested stupidly. I am clueless about lawyers and house buying and mortgages. Living with Ari will be an adjustment. I am not 100% confident of my ability to keep a neat home and be a good hostess. Those skills don't come naturally for me, to put it mildly. I'm afraid of becoming a cookie-cutter Orthodox woman in this town or a cookie-cutter Conservative woman in this town, instead of a woman who does Shabbat and swing dancing and belongs to a million minyanim instead of going to the same shul every week. I'm afraid I'll start following recipes instead of making stuff up. I'm afraid I'll have to give our kids the same names that everyone reuses for their kids, and that I'll have to go to the same shul every week so that our kids will have friends, because G-d forbid they should have names that aren't overused and bestow meaning and G-d forbid they should actually go to shul and have a spiritual experience instead of running around the social hall with their friends. I'm afraid I won't be able to balance work and school, to lose the weight after having a baby, to be a good, working mom and also be able to advance.
It'll work out somehow. We'll figure out the living arrangements and finances because we have to. Ari knows I'm clueless and accepts me anyway. I will finish the semester and get surgery. This sucky part of wedding planning will pass and it'll get better hopefully once we have date/venue booked. There will be a fun and spiritual part of wedding planning - taking classes with the Rabbi and Rebbitzen, creating a website, finding a dress, planning a first dance - that kind of stuff.
I have to keep in perspective. I'm getting married, and we are so good for each other. These are good problems to have.
The engagement period itself...not so much...at least not yet.
There is so much that I/we need to do and it's mind-boggling. We need to book a wedding date and venue. We need to buy a house. We need to learn how to buy said house. We need to figure out both of our interim living situations. We need to find lawyers. We need to figure out our finances. I need to turn in my final paper and do well in my class this semester. I need to get oral surgery. I need to get ready for the camping trip with the scouts, figure out my travel plans for my sister's graduation, figure out what we're doing for Ari's sister's graduation. I need Shabbat plans for this week. This all has to happen RIGHT NOW.
Meanwhile, my interpersonal relationships are deteriorating. I can't keep in touch with anyone, friend or family. Family relationships are falling apart. I can't have a normal conversation with anyone. At the rate things are going, I'll spend a fortune on the wedding, especially on the enormous hall, so all friends and family can come, and yet the friends won't come because they won't want to, because I've been ignoring them and speaking to them only when I need to. And my family members will come, but they'll be pissed because I blew them off during the engagement and wedding planning period.
The backlash I've gotten from family re: my wedding ideas surprised me. I didn't think anything I envisioned was so controversial. The other surprise is the effect that it has on me. I'm a reasonable person. My mother and father are reasonable people. But because they rejected an idea that I really liked before I had a chance to flesh it out, now I'm acting unreasonably. Every time they make a reasonable suggestion or point out a legitimate flaw about a venue or an idea or something, I feel the strongest urge to buck them and do it anyway, just to be contrary. I can't even listen to them without getting irritated, even if rationally, I know they've said nothing irritating.
I feel pressured, not sure why because the truth is that I'm surrounded by people who won't shun us for being different, but I feel pressured nonetheless. And I feel angry all the time, but I'm not sure with whom. It's like I want to yell my desire to do something different in an obnoxious way. I don't want to do the wedding at the same synagogue where Ari's cousin married because I want to be different. I don't want a cookie-cutter cheap Orthodox wedding in Lakewood or Brooklyn, even if that's the most cost-effective way to marry because I want to be me and I am not a cookie-cutter. I don't want to have chuppah under the sky, a poufy dress, bridesmaids/groomsmen, flower girls, (or actually, flowers period), wedding cake, champagne, a color scheme, a theme, Hebrew invitations, bridal shower, limos, a hotel suite - why should I not be able to reject traditions that have no meaning for me - especially because there are so many things I already have to do. I want to be me in an obnoxious, not cost-effective way.
Whoever "me" is. I have never owned or wanted to own anything vintage in my life and yet, the wedding dresses I am most drawn to are the vintage ones, which is odd, but not a bad thing. That was a pleasant discovery. But overall, wedding planning seems to bring out an unpleasant personality trait in me, that ability to blow everyone off and be angry for no good reason. I don't actually like "me" very much these days, and yet I'm having a hard time snapping out of it.
I love Ari and I just want to be married already. But the other uncomfortable truth is that I'm not ready to get married (that' probably why I've been wasting time on illogical wedding plans to avoid owning up to that truth). I am clueless about my finances. I have money, thank G-d, but it's probably invested stupidly. I am clueless about lawyers and house buying and mortgages. Living with Ari will be an adjustment. I am not 100% confident of my ability to keep a neat home and be a good hostess. Those skills don't come naturally for me, to put it mildly. I'm afraid of becoming a cookie-cutter Orthodox woman in this town or a cookie-cutter Conservative woman in this town, instead of a woman who does Shabbat and swing dancing and belongs to a million minyanim instead of going to the same shul every week. I'm afraid I'll start following recipes instead of making stuff up. I'm afraid I'll have to give our kids the same names that everyone reuses for their kids, and that I'll have to go to the same shul every week so that our kids will have friends, because G-d forbid they should have names that aren't overused and bestow meaning and G-d forbid they should actually go to shul and have a spiritual experience instead of running around the social hall with their friends. I'm afraid I won't be able to balance work and school, to lose the weight after having a baby, to be a good, working mom and also be able to advance.
It'll work out somehow. We'll figure out the living arrangements and finances because we have to. Ari knows I'm clueless and accepts me anyway. I will finish the semester and get surgery. This sucky part of wedding planning will pass and it'll get better hopefully once we have date/venue booked. There will be a fun and spiritual part of wedding planning - taking classes with the Rabbi and Rebbitzen, creating a website, finding a dress, planning a first dance - that kind of stuff.
I have to keep in perspective. I'm getting married, and we are so good for each other. These are good problems to have.