"Maya" by SketchLives09 (chapter 1)
Maya by SketchLives09 reviews
After stumbling across Maya, Zuko learns he's not the only one dealing with problems as painful and deep as his. Rated M for later chapters ZukoOC Email for better summary
Avatar: Last Airbender - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 549 - Reviews: 4 - Updated: 6-11-06 - Published: 6-11-06
Well, at least the summary's legible. Plus, there is no instance of the word "mysterious", so that's a definite plus. Let's begin, shall we?
Chapter Navigation: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2
The Summary:
Well, like I said, it's actually not that bad. It still has that definite Suethor feel about it, but it's not completely hideous; it hints at some interesting character development that, hopefully, will come off as believeable and intruiging. However, I hate it when authors have "E-mail for better summary" in the summary, because a.) instead of using up those precious characters, you could've just rewritten a more detailed summary anyway, and b.) if you can't write a concise, one- or two-sentence summary explaining the basic premise of your fic, then that means that you yourself don't know your fic well enough to summarize it.
Verdict:
The Plot:
It's your typical Zuko-meets-random-girl plot. As the first chapter's a mere 549 words long, there's not much on which to elaborate. Zuko goes to some random Earth Kingdom island on his neverending quest for the Avatar, sees some movement behind a tree, assumes it's Aang, then "readies his fire bending" to go capture him. And that movement turns out to be some firebending girl with a tragic past, with whom Zuko immediately finds "beautiful".
Verdict:
It could've been worse-at least she's not a _____bender.
The Characterization:
Here's where things begin to get a bit icky.
Zuko:
Well, to say the least, she didn't rape Zuko's character and make him fall head-over-heels for this girl. Admittedly, he's still recognizeable as Zuko-but that's the problem: He's been transformed into a cardboard cutout of a character. It's as if she basically took his lines from the show and reworded them a little bit. In fact, his only, somewhat-original line in this chapter is "She's beautiful."
And that's describing the OC.
Iroh:
Iroh is not Zuko's lapdog, nor is he subject to Zuko's every whim. He does not "beg" for Zuko to do anything. He suggests. As Iroh has only a couple of lines here, there's not much to say. Like Zuko, he hasn't been completely robbed of his character, but he still smells suspiciously like cardboard.
Maya:
Tragic-past!OC. I'll admit that I didn't call her a Sue because of the fact that 1.) there's still not enough substance, 2.) her only Sue factor at the moment is being beautiful, which OCs can have without being Sues, and 3.) her only power thus far is firebending, and the reader still doesn't know whether or not she's a good firebender. Honestly, at this point, there's a serious lack of details, so I really can't comment much on the character at all.
Verdict:
Eh, there's really nothing to say. It could've been worse; it could've been better.
Spelling/Grammar/Style:
Spelling:
Good job! No errors; looks like you know what spellcheck is.
Grammar:
You're missing a lot of punctuation, and you have a few errors with verbs and other common mistakes. For example, here's your original text:
“HURRY UP” he yelled.
“Prince Zuko please” Uncle Iroh begged “The soldiers are trying their hardest and all your doing is yelling at them. Please stop.”
“Uncle don’t you understand, the Avatar could be on the move this very second. We can’t let him get away.” Uncle Iroh sighed.
Here's the bare minimum concerning punctuation:
“HURRY UP!” he yelled.
“Prince Zuko, please,” Uncle Iroh begged. “The soldiers are trying their hardest and all you're doing is yelling at them. Please stop.”
“Uncle, don’t you understand? The Avatar could be on the move this very second. We can’t let him get away.” Uncle Iroh sighed.
You also mix up "your" and "you're", and "There had been a few suspicions that the Avatar came there and had not left yet." requires the past perfect ("There had been a few suspicions that the Avatar had come there and had not left yet."), as it's an event that already occured in the past. Finally, you have some issues with prepositions. For example, "He then noticed dried tears stained onto her face." should be "He then noticed dried tears staining her face."
Style:
Lay off the thesaurus. Seriously. I know you want to sound eloquent, but "Bruises were pasted all over [her] body"?! You make it sound as if she has stickers of bruises that she slaps onto herself whenever she feels like acting tragic. And as for "Tears were truly evident"-how would they be partially or falsely evident? Instead of using adverbs and the thesaurus, I highly recommend that you read some books with good, eloquent writing styles (or fics, for that matter), and try to observe how they manage to get the picture across.
Also, you should try to add detail and elaborate everywhere in the fic, not just when you're talking about your OC. For example, here is your most detailed (and longest) paragraph:
She wore a long -sleeved purple top and a greenish- brown skirt. One side of her shirt was slightly falling off her shoulder, revealing her bra strap. She had very dark brown hair and green eyes. Her hair was just right below her shoulders.
Please, use the same amount of detail to describe everything else in your fic. Your fic is lacking in its artistic factor; if I were to compare your fic to something, I would compare it to you playing with dolls or action figures-you are just guiding flat characters through a trite plotline.
Verdicts:
- Spelling:
- Grammar:
With a little bit of polishing, it's not half bad. - Style:
Sorry, but it needs serious work.
Seriously, it wasn't that bad. With some serious polishing and reworking, it has the makings of a pretty good fanfic. Although it's Zuko/OC, she doesn't scream Mary Sue yet; Zuko is still in-character, somewhat; I am actually curious to know why and what she's running away from; and I'm interested in seeing how you're going to show the two of them opening up to each other. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions. My e-mail is on my FanFiction.Net profile, and, of course, you can always leave a comment here.
Chapter Navigation: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2
The Author's Reply:
You have received a reply from the author, SketchLives09, regarding the review you posted for:
Title: Maya
Chapter: 1
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2985956/1/
Author URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/955797/
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thanks for the review. i read over ur livejournal. thanks it rele helped. i'll try harder next time. i'll prob have the next chap by today. I've been trying to write bits and pieces all this is week.
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Hat's off to SketchLives09 for handling concrit maturely and seriously!
Cheers,
helium_lost