I Wish
So I wrote this on December 15th, 2008 at about 12:28 am (I keep really good records I don't have a bionic memory) Anyway I figured I would post it here where no one would read it but still it's out there.
I Wish
The bubbles in my half empty can of pop are deafening. The noise of them as they burst against the metal of the can distracts me. I can hear the CD as it spins in my stereo. The noise of it's rotation is louder than the music it plays. My dog lies in bed growling at noises only she can hear and my sister sings loudly to the music blaring in her room next door.
I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I am exhausted. I have work in nine hours.
My toes refuse to warm up underneath socks and two blankets. They are tiny icicles waiting to drop off.
I try to think about something else. Something to take me far away from this place. I keep coming back to it.
I think about life. My past and what I wish I had done differently. My present and what I wish I didn't have to do. My future and what I wish I will become. I wonder who will cry when I die. What people will do. Will it change someones life? Does the fact that I exist help someone get out of bed in the morning or do people think of me at all when I'm not around them?
I turn over in bed and try sleep again from a new position.
I think about my abilities, my talents. I wish I could be extraordinary at something. Singing, dancing, sports, drawing, writing, school. I wish there was something about me that other people could admire. One thing I could do better than anyone else I knew. One thing that when people thought about it, or talked to someone about it they would say "My friend Morgan is amazing at that. The best I know." I wish I was more than simply mediocre.
I sit up in bed and drink the rest of my pop. I throw myself back against the pillows and wish that I did not have to work in the morning. I wish that I could sleep all day. I know that if I had nowhere to be in the morning I would have no trouble sleeping.
I wish my life were different. That I had, had more experiences. Been more adventurous. I wish I looked different. I wish I had read more books, seen more places, heard more music, learned more facts.
I wish I could sleep.
I listen to the CD and wish I could be hearing and seeing it live right now. I wish I had more imagination as a child. I wish I had, had more friends. I wish I had a boyfriend, or a best friend, or someone I felt absolutely one hundred percent comfortable with.
I wish I had another pop.
I go downstairs to get one. When I get back in bed I am freezing. I crawl under the blankets and take a drink. I spill on myself and don't care enough to do anything about it.
I wish I had nicer clothes and a nicer body to wear them on. I wish I had more money and didn't owe my parents anything.
I decide that my music is too loud and is keeping me awake but when I turn it down it is too quiet and I can't hear it. I turn it back up.
I wish I had a better relationship with my parents. That I felt more comfortable talking to them about my life. I wish that I wasn't so lazy. That I had more motivation to work on the things I wish for. I wish I wasn't so shy. That I was brave and could do whatever I wanted.
I wish I had gone to bed earlier.
I wish people would stop giving me the look that happens every time I talk about one of my 'passions'.
I wish it were warmer outside. I have to walk to work.
I wish I were back in high school where the teachers knew my name and my grades weren't all I thought about. I wish I were more selfless. That I volunteered and helped those less fortunate than I.
I wish my room was clean.
It sounds like there is a beehive inside my stereo but I don't turn it off because I don't like the quiet dark. I realize that one of my feet isn't covered by blankets and I feel a sudden jolt of fear as I cover it up.
I wish I wasn't so weird. I wish I could be like in the movies where you look just as good asleep as you do awake. I wish I was less sensitive. I wish I would get hit by a bus. I wish I was prettier.
The bees have turned into lawnmowers and my new pop is pounding out random staccato beats.
I wish I didn't blush so easily and that I was more self-sufficient. I wish I didn't eat as much. I wish I had more freckles. I wish I was less materialistic. I wish I had studies more for my last test. I wish I didn't need glasses.
Pop, pop ,pop. Buzz, buzz, buzz. That is all I hear.
I imagine meeting celebrities and wish that I could be one. I wish that I were best friends with someone famous.
I consider getting out of bed and tidying my room but I decide not to.
I wish I could create the new 'it' website. I wonder what it feels like to be high. I wish I could experience it while also priding myself on the fact that I never have.
I move in my bed and accidentally kick my dog. She grumbles and moves her head.
I wish the singers I listened to were more mainstream while still liking the fact that they aren't. I wish I were a witch and that I had magic powers. I wish I could fly. I wish I were funnier. I wish I knew how to make just one of my wishes happen. I'm tired of wishing on every star, birthday cake and folded chip and still having nothing happen. I wish I knew a geanie. One that wouldn't twist my words and make me wish I had never made the first wish.
I wish I weren't still awake.
I roll over again and close my eyes.
I her talking and loud static. It is my alarm clock. It is morning.
Wish granted.
I Wish
The bubbles in my half empty can of pop are deafening. The noise of them as they burst against the metal of the can distracts me. I can hear the CD as it spins in my stereo. The noise of it's rotation is louder than the music it plays. My dog lies in bed growling at noises only she can hear and my sister sings loudly to the music blaring in her room next door.
I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I am exhausted. I have work in nine hours.
My toes refuse to warm up underneath socks and two blankets. They are tiny icicles waiting to drop off.
I try to think about something else. Something to take me far away from this place. I keep coming back to it.
I think about life. My past and what I wish I had done differently. My present and what I wish I didn't have to do. My future and what I wish I will become. I wonder who will cry when I die. What people will do. Will it change someones life? Does the fact that I exist help someone get out of bed in the morning or do people think of me at all when I'm not around them?
I turn over in bed and try sleep again from a new position.
I think about my abilities, my talents. I wish I could be extraordinary at something. Singing, dancing, sports, drawing, writing, school. I wish there was something about me that other people could admire. One thing I could do better than anyone else I knew. One thing that when people thought about it, or talked to someone about it they would say "My friend Morgan is amazing at that. The best I know." I wish I was more than simply mediocre.
I sit up in bed and drink the rest of my pop. I throw myself back against the pillows and wish that I did not have to work in the morning. I wish that I could sleep all day. I know that if I had nowhere to be in the morning I would have no trouble sleeping.
I wish my life were different. That I had, had more experiences. Been more adventurous. I wish I looked different. I wish I had read more books, seen more places, heard more music, learned more facts.
I wish I could sleep.
I listen to the CD and wish I could be hearing and seeing it live right now. I wish I had more imagination as a child. I wish I had, had more friends. I wish I had a boyfriend, or a best friend, or someone I felt absolutely one hundred percent comfortable with.
I wish I had another pop.
I go downstairs to get one. When I get back in bed I am freezing. I crawl under the blankets and take a drink. I spill on myself and don't care enough to do anything about it.
I wish I had nicer clothes and a nicer body to wear them on. I wish I had more money and didn't owe my parents anything.
I decide that my music is too loud and is keeping me awake but when I turn it down it is too quiet and I can't hear it. I turn it back up.
I wish I had a better relationship with my parents. That I felt more comfortable talking to them about my life. I wish that I wasn't so lazy. That I had more motivation to work on the things I wish for. I wish I wasn't so shy. That I was brave and could do whatever I wanted.
I wish I had gone to bed earlier.
I wish people would stop giving me the look that happens every time I talk about one of my 'passions'.
I wish it were warmer outside. I have to walk to work.
I wish I were back in high school where the teachers knew my name and my grades weren't all I thought about. I wish I were more selfless. That I volunteered and helped those less fortunate than I.
I wish my room was clean.
It sounds like there is a beehive inside my stereo but I don't turn it off because I don't like the quiet dark. I realize that one of my feet isn't covered by blankets and I feel a sudden jolt of fear as I cover it up.
I wish I wasn't so weird. I wish I could be like in the movies where you look just as good asleep as you do awake. I wish I was less sensitive. I wish I would get hit by a bus. I wish I was prettier.
The bees have turned into lawnmowers and my new pop is pounding out random staccato beats.
I wish I didn't blush so easily and that I was more self-sufficient. I wish I didn't eat as much. I wish I had more freckles. I wish I was less materialistic. I wish I had studies more for my last test. I wish I didn't need glasses.
Pop, pop ,pop. Buzz, buzz, buzz. That is all I hear.
I imagine meeting celebrities and wish that I could be one. I wish that I were best friends with someone famous.
I consider getting out of bed and tidying my room but I decide not to.
I wish I could create the new 'it' website. I wonder what it feels like to be high. I wish I could experience it while also priding myself on the fact that I never have.
I move in my bed and accidentally kick my dog. She grumbles and moves her head.
I wish the singers I listened to were more mainstream while still liking the fact that they aren't. I wish I were a witch and that I had magic powers. I wish I could fly. I wish I were funnier. I wish I knew how to make just one of my wishes happen. I'm tired of wishing on every star, birthday cake and folded chip and still having nothing happen. I wish I knew a geanie. One that wouldn't twist my words and make me wish I had never made the first wish.
I wish I weren't still awake.
I roll over again and close my eyes.
I her talking and loud static. It is my alarm clock. It is morning.
Wish granted.