Skip the Drama, Stay With Mama
Last week-- or whenever it was I posted last, fuck linear chronology-- I mentioned that Disney has claimed Tangled will be its last princess movie, and then there was some fuckery going on with which I had to take issue. That didn't mean I wasn't going to see it, though. Joe asked me if I was going to be analyzing it for the Gender Studies course I attend in my imagination the entire time, and my response was, "FUCK YES."
Surprisingly enough for me, and of tremendous relief to everyone who reads this, I was able to walk into Tangled, watch it, and enjoy it without once asking myself, "BUT WHAT DOES THIS SCENE REPRESENT IN TERMS OF GENDER BINARIES, FEMINISM, AND THE ROLE OF THE PATRIARCHY IN TRADITIONAL FAIRY TALES AND FOLKLORE?"
It's cool, I can always just re-read Women Who Run With the Wolves then smear my menstrual blood all over the walls.
Anyhoodle, you didn't come here to read about my menstrual blood, and if you did, then kindly get the hell away from me forever. Let's talk Tangled.
In traditional Disney fashion, they've made some changes to the Rapunzel story familiar to both of us. In case you're not up to date on your Brothers Grimm-- and I wouldn't blame you, did you SEE that movie? It was TERRIBLE--
Don't look at me like that! Search your hearts, you know it to be true.
Mmm, that's what I thought.
--TERRIBLE, you can go read about it on Wikipedia.
Disney's version starts out with Mother Gothel discovering a magic plant, grown from a drop of pure sunlight, that can heal any wound and restore youth to anyone who sings it a sweet little song. Mother Gothel is a tragic victim of society's obsession with youth and beauty and becomes addicted to the regenerative powers of the plant-- sorry, I said I wasn't going to get all political about this, didn't I? So there's this sweet little song--
No, no, no! NOT THAT SONG!
And it makes her young again when she sings it to the plant. Obviously not something she wants other people knowing about, so she keeps it hidden under a bush, TOTALLY NOT A METAPHOR.
The king and queen of the kingdom have finally conceived, but the pregnancy isn't easy for Queenie, and her loyal subjects frantically search for the legendary flower in the hopes that they can save her. They find the flower when Gothel knocks the bush-disguise off accidentally, save the queen, and she gives birth to a lovely baby girl with copious amounts of golden hair. They name her Rapunzel because they're super into exotic varieties of lettuce. Gothel breaks into the castle, tries to steal Rapunzel's hair, and realizes the hair is useless if it's cut, so she just straight up steals the baby instead. Determined to make sure no one gets their mitts on her precious Younginator, she builds a big-ass tower in a hidden valley, then sticks Rapunzel up there and raises her as her daughter. Like you do.
In terms of Disney villains, Mother Gothel lacks the flair for pyrotechnics of, say, Maleficent or Ursula, but is as delightfully nasty as either of them at their best. She's snarky, obsessive, and vain, but also profoundly overprotective, keeping her daughter in line with threats, guilt-trips, and not-so-subtle attacks on her self-esteem.
So basically like my mom, if my mom indulged in more exciting musical numbers. LOVE YOU, MOMMY!
Rapunzel occupies herself by cleaning the tower a few times each day, spending a few hours on her hair, painting murals on the walls, baking enough for a small army, painting over the murals with other murals, singing, and making tiny clothes for her pet chameleon, Pascal.
Sales of pet chameleons have increased significantly since the film's release, coinciding with the growth of a cottage industry for pet lizard clothing.
Then, at the end of the day, she sings a song while her mom hugs her hair.
Like you do. LOVE YOU, MOMMY!
Despite having the helicopter parent from Hell, Rapunzel has, unsurprisingly (this is Disney, after all), grown into an improbably hard-working, talented, unselfish, and beautiful young lady.
"I'm 40% German, 40% Narnian, and 20% PURE FUCKING SUNSHINE so, you know, superior genes."
Rapunzel has noticed that every year, on her birthday, thousands of beautiful floating lights appear in the night sky. It's actually her real parents releasing flame-powered lanterns in tribute to their lost daughter, hoping the lights will guide her home. Rapunzel's developed a bit of an obsession with the lights, and is determined to find a way to see them up close and personal and also to get the fuck out of that tower because GODDAMN. To that end appears Flynn Rider, a dashing young thief who's recently stolen a suspiciously familiar crown from the palace and double-crossed his large, surly cohorts so he can escape. He stumbles across the tower and finds himself whacked silly with a cast iron skillet then tied up with a bunch of hair.
And, lo, the hair-pan-bondage-fetish boards across the Interbuttz exploded with the fury of their wanking.
Rapunzel strikes a bargain with Flynn: Rapunzel will only return his treasure if he takes her to see the mysterious lights, conveniently scheduled to appear the very next day. He reluctantly agrees, then immediately regrets his decision as Rapunzel embarks on a bipolar fit upon setting foot outside the tower for the first time in 18 years, alternating between reveling in her new freedom and guilting herself to tears over how upset her mother's going to be.
Their escape is complicated by the pursuit of Maximum, who is a horse.
No, I apologize, Maximus is THE HORSE. He's very expressive.
He's got a tender side.
He can fight with a sword.
HOLY FUCK THAT HORSE IS USING A SWORD.
I'm pretty sure you can guess the rest. Flynn and Punzy have some adventures, meet some ruffians with hearts of gold, bond over their shitty childhoods, get really excited about the benefits of cooking with cast iron.
"I hear Williams-Sonoma is having a sale." "OMG SHOPPING MONTAGE!"
Flynn's a little put off at first by the fact that Punzy's hair does exciting tricks and glows when you sing at it, also it is a total bitch to carry when you are fleeing from danger, but it has its uses so he puts his questions aside for a time when he can consult with Ken Paves or something.
"A blond chanteuse BFF with a weirdly controlling parent, self esteem issues, and significant deficit of social awareness? Girlfriend, do not even get me started."
After a charming dance sequence and with the help of some serious mood lighting, they fall in love, BUT! They are betrayed by the vengeful Mother Gothel!
"Come, darling, what did you expect? It's not like you've never seen a Disney film before."
But you HAVE seen Disney films before, and if you have not then get the fuck out, you don't even deserve to be on the internet, so you know that ultimately the villains get their comeuppance, and the good guys win the day and live happily ever after, as surely as horses hunt by scent and use swords to defend themselves.
Best believe, hooker.
I do so love a happy ending, don't you?
IF YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS TALKING ABOUT ICE CREAM THEN WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.
THE END.
Surprisingly enough for me, and of tremendous relief to everyone who reads this, I was able to walk into Tangled, watch it, and enjoy it without once asking myself, "BUT WHAT DOES THIS SCENE REPRESENT IN TERMS OF GENDER BINARIES, FEMINISM, AND THE ROLE OF THE PATRIARCHY IN TRADITIONAL FAIRY TALES AND FOLKLORE?"
It's cool, I can always just re-read Women Who Run With the Wolves then smear my menstrual blood all over the walls.
Anyhoodle, you didn't come here to read about my menstrual blood, and if you did, then kindly get the hell away from me forever. Let's talk Tangled.
In traditional Disney fashion, they've made some changes to the Rapunzel story familiar to both of us. In case you're not up to date on your Brothers Grimm-- and I wouldn't blame you, did you SEE that movie? It was TERRIBLE--
Don't look at me like that! Search your hearts, you know it to be true.
Mmm, that's what I thought.
--TERRIBLE, you can go read about it on Wikipedia.
Disney's version starts out with Mother Gothel discovering a magic plant, grown from a drop of pure sunlight, that can heal any wound and restore youth to anyone who sings it a sweet little song. Mother Gothel is a tragic victim of society's obsession with youth and beauty and becomes addicted to the regenerative powers of the plant-- sorry, I said I wasn't going to get all political about this, didn't I? So there's this sweet little song--
No, no, no! NOT THAT SONG!
And it makes her young again when she sings it to the plant. Obviously not something she wants other people knowing about, so she keeps it hidden under a bush, TOTALLY NOT A METAPHOR.
The king and queen of the kingdom have finally conceived, but the pregnancy isn't easy for Queenie, and her loyal subjects frantically search for the legendary flower in the hopes that they can save her. They find the flower when Gothel knocks the bush-disguise off accidentally, save the queen, and she gives birth to a lovely baby girl with copious amounts of golden hair. They name her Rapunzel because they're super into exotic varieties of lettuce. Gothel breaks into the castle, tries to steal Rapunzel's hair, and realizes the hair is useless if it's cut, so she just straight up steals the baby instead. Determined to make sure no one gets their mitts on her precious Younginator, she builds a big-ass tower in a hidden valley, then sticks Rapunzel up there and raises her as her daughter. Like you do.
In terms of Disney villains, Mother Gothel lacks the flair for pyrotechnics of, say, Maleficent or Ursula, but is as delightfully nasty as either of them at their best. She's snarky, obsessive, and vain, but also profoundly overprotective, keeping her daughter in line with threats, guilt-trips, and not-so-subtle attacks on her self-esteem.
So basically like my mom, if my mom indulged in more exciting musical numbers. LOVE YOU, MOMMY!
Rapunzel occupies herself by cleaning the tower a few times each day, spending a few hours on her hair, painting murals on the walls, baking enough for a small army, painting over the murals with other murals, singing, and making tiny clothes for her pet chameleon, Pascal.
Sales of pet chameleons have increased significantly since the film's release, coinciding with the growth of a cottage industry for pet lizard clothing.
Then, at the end of the day, she sings a song while her mom hugs her hair.
Like you do. LOVE YOU, MOMMY!
Despite having the helicopter parent from Hell, Rapunzel has, unsurprisingly (this is Disney, after all), grown into an improbably hard-working, talented, unselfish, and beautiful young lady.
"I'm 40% German, 40% Narnian, and 20% PURE FUCKING SUNSHINE so, you know, superior genes."
Rapunzel has noticed that every year, on her birthday, thousands of beautiful floating lights appear in the night sky. It's actually her real parents releasing flame-powered lanterns in tribute to their lost daughter, hoping the lights will guide her home. Rapunzel's developed a bit of an obsession with the lights, and is determined to find a way to see them up close and personal and also to get the fuck out of that tower because GODDAMN. To that end appears Flynn Rider, a dashing young thief who's recently stolen a suspiciously familiar crown from the palace and double-crossed his large, surly cohorts so he can escape. He stumbles across the tower and finds himself whacked silly with a cast iron skillet then tied up with a bunch of hair.
And, lo, the hair-pan-bondage-fetish boards across the Interbuttz exploded with the fury of their wanking.
Rapunzel strikes a bargain with Flynn: Rapunzel will only return his treasure if he takes her to see the mysterious lights, conveniently scheduled to appear the very next day. He reluctantly agrees, then immediately regrets his decision as Rapunzel embarks on a bipolar fit upon setting foot outside the tower for the first time in 18 years, alternating between reveling in her new freedom and guilting herself to tears over how upset her mother's going to be.
Their escape is complicated by the pursuit of Maximum, who is a horse.
No, I apologize, Maximus is THE HORSE. He's very expressive.
He's got a tender side.
He can fight with a sword.
HOLY FUCK THAT HORSE IS USING A SWORD.
I'm pretty sure you can guess the rest. Flynn and Punzy have some adventures, meet some ruffians with hearts of gold, bond over their shitty childhoods, get really excited about the benefits of cooking with cast iron.
"I hear Williams-Sonoma is having a sale." "OMG SHOPPING MONTAGE!"
Flynn's a little put off at first by the fact that Punzy's hair does exciting tricks and glows when you sing at it, also it is a total bitch to carry when you are fleeing from danger, but it has its uses so he puts his questions aside for a time when he can consult with Ken Paves or something.
"A blond chanteuse BFF with a weirdly controlling parent, self esteem issues, and significant deficit of social awareness? Girlfriend, do not even get me started."
After a charming dance sequence and with the help of some serious mood lighting, they fall in love, BUT! They are betrayed by the vengeful Mother Gothel!
"Come, darling, what did you expect? It's not like you've never seen a Disney film before."
But you HAVE seen Disney films before, and if you have not then get the fuck out, you don't even deserve to be on the internet, so you know that ultimately the villains get their comeuppance, and the good guys win the day and live happily ever after, as surely as horses hunt by scent and use swords to defend themselves.
Best believe, hooker.
I do so love a happy ending, don't you?
IF YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS TALKING ABOUT ICE CREAM THEN WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.
THE END.