Historical Hysteria Day 6: WHORE-OFF!
It looks like Stalin won yesterday, so good on him for winning that particular Giant Murderous Douchebag award. Obama's won a Nobel Prize he probably didn't deserve, they're blowing up the moon, Norway continues to be weird, and I'm having a bad day so I'll dispense with the pleasantries and get straight to the meat of the matter. Which is, of course, WHORES WHORES WHORES.
Giacomo Casanova
Theodora, Empress of the Byzantine Empire
Poll Casanova vs Theodora
Giacomo Casanova
- His name is synonymous with ladies' men worldwide
- Child of actors, except his mom was kind of a bus stop skank, so his dad may have been someone else
- Jobs he held: adventurer, magician, spy, writer, diplomat, musician, and erotic hero
- I'M SERIOUS. EROTIC HERO. WHERE DO I APPLY FOR THAT JOB?
- Cured his nosebleeds with a witch
- Hung out with many of the brightest stars of 18th-century European culture
- Before he was even an adult he'd contracted his first venereal disease and went on to enjoy bouts with syphilis, gonorrhea, and the "Celtic humors," among others. WHAT THE FUCK IS A CELTIC HUMOR?
- Kicked out of seminary for drinking and screwing
- Held a doctorate from the University of Padua. It was in the field of drinking and screwing.
- By his own account bedded 122 women in his lifetime. THAT'S 122 MORE THAN SOME OF Y'ALL, THAT'S RIGHT, I WENT THERE.
- Once dug up a fresh corpse to play a prank on someone, except it paralyzed the poor slob forever
- Dressed like a lady for fun. Well? WHAT OF IT? Dressing like a lady IS fun.
- Invented the lottery
- Upon being left by his paramour Henriette, he lamented, "What is love?" Few know this was followed by cries of "BABY DON'T HURT ME, DON'T HURT ME NO MORE." It sounds better in French.
Theodora, Empress of the Byzantine Empire
- The daughter of a bear trainer in the circus
- Early life consisted of being a circus performer, actress, and possibly prostitute
- A daring performer and thrower of wild parties
- According to the historian Procopius, she was always doing whore stuff. I mean, screwed anything that moved, was constantly giving herself abortions, getting naked on stage and letting geese eat off her body-- you know, whore stuff.
- Caught the eye of Justinian, nephew of Emperor Justin, with her wit, beauty, and brains and wool spinning, as that's what she was doing at the time. Not partying, not whoring, not acrobating or whatever. Spinning goddamn wool and praying, and she was STILL the hottest thing Constantinople had to offer.
- Justinian and his uncle changed the law to permit noblemen to marry actresses just for her. Awww. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU HAD LAWS CHANGED FOR ME, JOE, HUH?!?
- Upon assuming empressdom, Theodora ruled jointly with her husband, taking an active role in royal decision-making
- I like the name Theodora
- Her courage and nagging resulted in the quelling of a riot at the Hippodrome, which basically saved the empire
- DEM EYEBROWS
- Theodora was a Monophysite Christian (believed Jesus was entirely divine, not human and divine). Her husband was Orthodox, the much more predominant faith. Theodora frequently butted heads with Justinian over their faiths and acted as a protector for persecuted Monophysites, always attempting to bring harmony between the two sects; after her death, Justinian even converted to Monophysitism.
- Sainted in the Orthodox Church
- Major mover and shaker for women's rights and liberation, pioneering many reforms for feminine well-being
- Excellent use of headdresses
Poll Casanova vs Theodora