Just thinking...
I can't write what I'd like to.
Why?
Because I'd be complaining, again.
I can't explain why I feel the way I do and why.
Again, if you ask 'why?'..
Because it's what happens when you take care of someone..and I need to suck it up..
What? No, that's not it and that person is deemed competent.
Make excuses for them all you like it doesn't change that anytime I've felt good something from that direction has to undermine and bring me down.
I try to help, I get shit on for it.
I have panic and anxiety attacks.
I'm told I can't blame them for a lot of things.. Uh-huh..not being around to see it you wouldn't know.
For instance, after being told that if they did something I'd be upset and they do it anyway, just to anger me and then being all happy that the person telling them so was right. Not that they'd done anything wrong, it's not a big deal.
I bust my ass paying for something and get shit for how I should also be paying rent when what I'm paying for is going toward the house... Well, think about this, at the same time I get that it's his money, but, then he runs out of here all giddy that he's going to pick out a new car that someone told him he won and is also sending money out that I have to try and recover and he's laughing at me for being upset and pretty much insulting me that I'm angry for being suckered into paying for repairs..
Thanks, self worth and respect...undermined again. As per usual. I have no right to complain..Right, sure,
If I try and relate all this I'm made to feel like I should never bring it up.
Others, upon hearing me talk about other things try and blow me off then wonder why I refuse to respond.
If anyone responds with how I should let it go and it's in the past, it's still my present and keep in that in mind.
I don't think anyone knew or looked until I spoke up because I got the feeling that I was never supposed to. I have been told by my father on a few occasion that 'I'd better not say anything..'
Still reading and not discounting what I've mentioned again, thanks.
There are many things I never told anyone and when I've tried it's much like I've done too and kinda tuned out.
Oh, I have tried to talk to my father before he was this bad.. You know what? I phrased it as getting to know him better and he blew up..
I could fill a notebook wit things that' have happened but I didn't write it down when anything happened or really say very much. I just tried to get by and not be noticed if I could help it since it allowed people pulling shitty things to underestimate me and not feel threatened..
Given things I've seen, I'm glad I wasn't born a girl. Because, I may not have worried too much about other people I'd possibly had more to worry about at 'home'...let that sink in for a moment.
I've been poked at about my weight, by kids in schools and my father. Bulled and harassed..
My mom had to deal with someone telling her they couldn't be intimate unless she lost a lot more weight when she was trying hard.
We both had to do the 'appeasement' thing in order to have any peace.
You want to make excuses how 'it's how he was raised'... Right.. I never learned a lot of things I have people being angry at me for not knowing because I was trying to jus get by. I didn't laugh much except when I knew I felt 'safe'..
Hope to gods I didn't eat anything my Da' had gotten and I didn't know about.. I did and he freaked out in getting angry enough that I couldn't help but feel shitty. Great, caused me to stop eating much of anything I didn't buy and make me insecure about that AND my weight.
And y'know? I'd like to see Dad get help, still.. Just that I'm done emotionally because I can't let my guard down around him so stopped participating in anything that makes me feel like shit.
Friends I still have, thanks..you know who you are and I appreciate your sticking with me. I'm sad to see people go that've gotten worn down emotionally by listening..