Random worries..
Things I worry about due to dad, school, bullying...pick something.
I've been an introvert, nothing really wrong with that, I like my privacy and quiet.
The problem is where I feel I didn't get much choice..
Let me explain. I have or had been big almost my whole life. I developed diabetes and dropped the weight, unfortunately a lot was in muscle.
So, when you're asked if you've been peeing more than usual when they see a protien bleed in your urine, that's where your muscle could be going.
I've been teased, bullied and generally picked on in school and also where you figure I should be 'safe' ..at home. You know, ya gotta lose weight. That along with 'That might not be what you wanna eat..'
Okay, made me self conscious. At the worst for that I got jumped on for eating something my Dad was planning on eating but damned if he'd let anyone know. So, made even more self conscious.
Right then, Dad has a 'thing' about fat people.. I've called him on it with; You've never been big and been picked on for it, you need to shut your mouth.
I got enough with people calling me out for being big in elementary. Oh, and my first name, George. I didn't want to fight &got picked on even worse when kids figured that out. I had a wicked temper, bit more than a couple kids to just get out from being piled upon. I also had a leather belt and once I was told I culd defend myself, because the teachers seemed useless, I was asked to take out te buckle and pocket it.
Speaking of teachers, the thing with; Ignore them, they'll go away. .... You dumbass, kids are little more than barely trained savages looking to work their way to the top any way they can. They see a weakness and they'll go right for it so someone ignoring them is seen as a -challenge-.
When they see someone like me who'll make any effort to not be noticed as a general rule they'll naturally go right for the weak or sensitive kid.
The one way I got any peace is when I lost my temper in class and ripped a paper towel holer out of the wall. I had seen it was loose so it wasn't a challenge, the effect was worth it. Got left alone and asked, once again, to go to the principal's office. I had one teacher who seeing that there was a disruption in HER class told me to go sit under her desk during an A/V segment. I tried to come out so I could use the bathroom but was told that I'd have to wait. I had to pee, naturally I ended up wetting myself. I had to go to the principal's office and wait for my mom to bring fresh clothes and I think I went home. I can't accurately remember thatteacher's name but I do remember she tried to tell everyone she said it was okay and I remember differently. So, trust issues..? Oh yes, another reason, thanks.
I don't exactly remember laughing a lot when in school, summers were better as I didn't have to see anyone because we lived at the end of the street, away from most all the kids. I spent a lot of time on my bike and in the project trying to hang out with kids I went to school with and still getting shit..not all bad, a few would stick up for me and it was fine.
All of this and Dads' apparent need to be catered to and effectively waited upon or spread misery when he was frustrated or mad at someone at work.. Yeah, I don't want to subject anyone to my having developed panic & anxeity attacks and even though I know my faults I don't have the tools to know how to be a father as I've been away from other family and their kids. I get weird about people getting close and can't handle someone trying to be intimate or speaking as such with me. Though it does depend if it's directed at me. I know there have been good people that have tried to get close and get to know me and I've pushed everyone away.
I have a problem with being restrained.. I mean that as there was a well on the school property that we used to go down into when it was hot. If I wasn't out fast the kids would pull the branch we climbed down up so I couldn't get out. I've had some people ask me about being a 'pet' and couldn't even consider it..play acting at tying me up, not a good idea if you really wanted to be my friend..
I've been an introvert, nothing really wrong with that, I like my privacy and quiet.
The problem is where I feel I didn't get much choice..
Let me explain. I have or had been big almost my whole life. I developed diabetes and dropped the weight, unfortunately a lot was in muscle.
So, when you're asked if you've been peeing more than usual when they see a protien bleed in your urine, that's where your muscle could be going.
I've been teased, bullied and generally picked on in school and also where you figure I should be 'safe' ..at home. You know, ya gotta lose weight. That along with 'That might not be what you wanna eat..'
Okay, made me self conscious. At the worst for that I got jumped on for eating something my Dad was planning on eating but damned if he'd let anyone know. So, made even more self conscious.
Right then, Dad has a 'thing' about fat people.. I've called him on it with; You've never been big and been picked on for it, you need to shut your mouth.
I got enough with people calling me out for being big in elementary. Oh, and my first name, George. I didn't want to fight &got picked on even worse when kids figured that out. I had a wicked temper, bit more than a couple kids to just get out from being piled upon. I also had a leather belt and once I was told I culd defend myself, because the teachers seemed useless, I was asked to take out te buckle and pocket it.
Speaking of teachers, the thing with; Ignore them, they'll go away. .... You dumbass, kids are little more than barely trained savages looking to work their way to the top any way they can. They see a weakness and they'll go right for it so someone ignoring them is seen as a -challenge-.
When they see someone like me who'll make any effort to not be noticed as a general rule they'll naturally go right for the weak or sensitive kid.
The one way I got any peace is when I lost my temper in class and ripped a paper towel holer out of the wall. I had seen it was loose so it wasn't a challenge, the effect was worth it. Got left alone and asked, once again, to go to the principal's office. I had one teacher who seeing that there was a disruption in HER class told me to go sit under her desk during an A/V segment. I tried to come out so I could use the bathroom but was told that I'd have to wait. I had to pee, naturally I ended up wetting myself. I had to go to the principal's office and wait for my mom to bring fresh clothes and I think I went home. I can't accurately remember thatteacher's name but I do remember she tried to tell everyone she said it was okay and I remember differently. So, trust issues..? Oh yes, another reason, thanks.
I don't exactly remember laughing a lot when in school, summers were better as I didn't have to see anyone because we lived at the end of the street, away from most all the kids. I spent a lot of time on my bike and in the project trying to hang out with kids I went to school with and still getting shit..not all bad, a few would stick up for me and it was fine.
All of this and Dads' apparent need to be catered to and effectively waited upon or spread misery when he was frustrated or mad at someone at work.. Yeah, I don't want to subject anyone to my having developed panic & anxeity attacks and even though I know my faults I don't have the tools to know how to be a father as I've been away from other family and their kids. I get weird about people getting close and can't handle someone trying to be intimate or speaking as such with me. Though it does depend if it's directed at me. I know there have been good people that have tried to get close and get to know me and I've pushed everyone away.
I have a problem with being restrained.. I mean that as there was a well on the school property that we used to go down into when it was hot. If I wasn't out fast the kids would pull the branch we climbed down up so I couldn't get out. I've had some people ask me about being a 'pet' and couldn't even consider it..play acting at tying me up, not a good idea if you really wanted to be my friend..