Today's rant..ramble..something.
Dog has barked for nearly a solid hour. I finally got up and fed her myself at 6:42 PM. Very happy and grateful doggy.
More barking within a few minutes however. Finally, she gets out after being told repeatedly by Dad to shut up, be quiet, stop it.. Just over half an hour after I got up and fed her. Around 7:12 PM I had been trying to nap in my chair.
See, this is what nobody sees. You're trying your best to let someone do as they would but nothing is going to get done in the time it needs to be, especially 'right now'.
You're supposed to pretend like everything is fine and smile...while everything falls apart, everyone around is miserable, especially a pet, they're like furniture to someone who can't quite get their focus together and make the connections they need to for something as simple, to us, feeding and taking care of the pets' needs, taking out for them to go, checking their water, paying attention to and loving them. Personal relations suffer much the same.
Getting someone to realize that they need to do something themselves is very hard when they throw up; It's my house, I don't have to do anything!
No, living in filth is 'normal' everyone is supposed to serve them, they owe that person, even at the expense of the other persons' health and well being. Which is happening. Being told certain things by other people when I go off about what seems petty or stupid to them, and I mean how I'm supposed to knuckle under or something.. Well, go kick a puppy. What? You wouldn't do that? How about smiling and being all cheerful and then seeing someone obviously depressed and distressed, going over and telling them to; Just Cheer Up! ...? See if you make it 3 steps without getting a look that could freeze nitrogen.
As I write this I'm calming down, I still feel bad that the dog has to suffer, she's got nobody to be her advocate while her owner does. He gets people running around trying to help him and see he's taken care of.
I've been taking care of this place and helping since I was in elementary school. Cooking, cleaning, lending a hand wherever needed.. Seeing friends go down, my mother, aunts & uncles..taking time to go help family, people I consider family. And now, my dad.. 'Suck it up' indeed. Trade you.
How many times have I left a job that had started to work out well enough for me only to have it come to where I had some thoughtless act force me or cause me to leave that and come back, try and do damage control? Many.
I laugh at some of that careless comment and think; You have no idea, and I hope you never do.
My work is suffering still, as am I. I'm past being 'OKAY' and I've been surviving while trying to get a minute to pick a therapist and not feel even more screwed up for having to and looping back to; Well, if this hadn't happened... and both feeling angry and sad at what I see as a cause.
My Aunt Laura, whom most on Dads' side only know as a name, died after being in hospice care the day after thankgiving two years ago. I got to see her while she was still there but I went because I wanted to make sure she saw me before she went. Dad was in the hospital then but stable. When she died he was home but then insisted how we were going to see a boat, again with money he supposed he would get from these scammers.
So, while everyone else has moved on with their life, I've been begging for help and a way out for so long it's something people have probably grown accustomed to.
I don't go anywhere, I barely talk to anyone anymore without this coming up. I don't have anyone for myself that I don't have a hard time relating to. Things I once enjoyed and could be creative with in doing, nope, can't do those either. I suppose I blame too much on things with Dad. It does occur to me. Need to move out? Sure. I didn't have to stay? Well, were you going to step up? Whomever knows me knows I can cook. Well, how do I put this..? It wasn't encouraged. Many things I liked weren't.
How does this relate? Well, when you're not encouraged and get 'What's this shit?' and 'When is this gonna be over I wanna watch..' and living with that and nobody shuts it down that you know of? The aunt that you're comfortable talking with and love to go visit is gone, you weren't really allowed to go to her funeral without some sort of stupidity from your father because he's so convinced he's won; 'Money and A Car' that he sat in his chair to pout when you yourself had the money but it's clear you won't be going without seeing some damned boat he can't possibly afford.
Uh-huh..never taken care of another human being..pfft.. Please.