FIC: Watch It Begin Again
Title: Watch It Begin Again
Fandom: Glee
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Kurt/Adam
Warnings: Not Blaine-friendly.
Disclaimer: Glee is a creation of Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan; its characters belong to 20th Century Fox Television and associates. Begin Again was written by Taylor Swift.
Spoilers: Up until episode 4.15 - "Girls (and Boys) on Film"
Thanks: To my beta and best friend tekalynn.
Summary: Love really does more than break and burn and end. But it takes Kurt a while and a few missteps to learn that.
A/N: The basic idea for this story was born almost immediately after seeing Adam on screen for the first time, but the concept evolved with time and new canon. Then EiraCannaid posted this brilliant fanvid and I couldn't resist incorporating the song into my story.
Watch It Begin Again
by Morgan D.
The young man on the stage was crying. There was a song flowing out of his lips, more music than lyrics, the words drowning in the tearful lament. No riffs, no runs, no wails, no belting, just the simple melody, quiet but not tranquil, painful like an open wound. The tears ran down freely, shamelessly, and no gesture was made to dry or hide them.
There was no one in the audience to see them anyway.
He paced the stage like a caged beast, his eyes tightly shut. Only the ghost light was on, and unflattering shadows danced across his face as he moved into and out of the dark corners, accentuating tired lines that didn't belong in the young visage. No matter his weariness and distress, though, he wouldn't let go of his breath control. Each note had to be delivered with utmost care, nurtured with feeling and seemingly endless streams of air, rich with haunting overtones. Although he never raised his voice beyond a mezzo piano, the sound filled the empty auditorium with strength and clarity.
His feet instinctively led him to the front of the stage, almost to the edge of the access walkway, as the song neared its end. A little ritardando as he repeated the last line, consonants becoming crisper, the last note a murmured question rather than a sonorous statement, and it was over.
He endured the heavy silence for a few seconds before finally opening his eyes... to the sudden realization that he was not entirely alone.
Another man stood on the steps of the aisle between the seats, right in the middle of the auditorium. He was... not smiling. His mouth twitched faintly like he wanted but didn't dare to. He took a deep breath as he stared at the man on the stage, as if someone had just pulled him from under water. His eyes seemed rueful and cloudy in the dim room.
For a moment they just looked at each other, perfectly still.
Then the second man lowered his head and turned around, climbing up the steps towards the exit.
That seemed to get the man on the stage out of his trance. "Adam!"
Adam stopped, his whole body taut to the point of quivering. Very slowly, he turned back to face the stage. The next second, all the air in his lungs was squeezed out of him and he stumbled back as a solid body collided against his chest and strong arms tightened around his waist.
"Hey, Kurt," he whispered.
Kurt returned the greeting by burying his face against Adam's neck and holding on for dear life.
#####
"I thought I'd never see you again," Kurt murmured.
"Well. That was the plan."
"That wasn't what I wanted."
Sitting on one of the auditorium seats, Adam turned slightly to the young man at his left, one eyebrow arched high.
"Yes, I know," Kurt huffed. "That's what I said I wanted."
"In those exact words," Adam reminded him.
"I know."
"You actually said, 'I don't think we should see each other again. Ever.'"
"I know."
"You said 'ever'. Little pause, which I took for a full stop, but might have been a comma, then... 'ever'."
"I..."
"And anyway, I doubt it makes that much of a difference if it was meant to be a full stop or a comma, because... 'ever'. That one was very clear."
"I didn't mean for you to drop out of school, take your things and ran back to England!"
"I didn't run back to England. I flew. Planes. Marvelous inventions."
"Adam..."
"Sorry. I shouldn't joke about this. I can see you're upset. "
"Upset?! You have no idea how awful I felt when I found out."
"And I'm really sorry. You were not supposed to find out. Frankly, I didn't think you'd notice I was gone."
Kurt gasped. "How can you even say something like that?!"
"You said 'ever'!" Adam replied defensively. "I reckoned you'd be making a conscious effort to avoid me, so when you didn't stumble upon me in the hallways, you'd take that as a sign that your efforts were being successful. And then the semester would end, and you'd assume I had finished school and moved on."
"That... makes sense," Kurt conceded with much reluctance.
"So how did you find out I was gone?" Adam risked a smile. "You looked for me?"
"...no."
The smile faded. "Oh. Okay."
"Kayla came to talk to me on Friday. She suggested I rejoin the Apples now instead of next semester. You told them why I was taking a break from the group?"
Adam frowned. "Just Kayla. I told the others you were worried about your finals, but she didn't buy it and came after me, badgering me for the truth until I spilled it out." He sighed. "I'm really sorry, Kurt. What did she say to you?"
"Well, she told me that if you were the reason I left, then I could rejoin right away and take part in the meeting next week at Lennox's place to go over the plans for the Fall program. Because, 'Holy mother of hell, Kurt, haven't you heard? Crawford has dropped out and gone back to fucking Essex!'"
"That's a perfect impression of Kayla," Adam remarked, both impressed and amused. "I wouldn't do it in front of her if I were you."
"What the hell were you thinking, Adam? You don't drop out two weeks before graduation!"
"I can't say there was much thinking involved, to be honest."
"You're missing your final exams."
"I missed some, yeah. Came back today just in time for my Speech IV performance exam. The topic was Accents and Dialects, easily one of my favorite courses ever, so I reckon I at least managed to save that grade. And I have what's left of the week. But there were papers I was supposed to finish and probably won't have time to."
"Maybe they'll let you make up for it?"
Adam shrugged. "A few of the professors might. I reckon I'll be doing a lot of groveling for the next two days."
"Will you be able to graduate this semester?"
"That remains to be seen. Odds aren't good, though. I may have to pay for my little breakdown with an extension of my time at NYADA."
"Adam, I'm so, so sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"Oh, I think we both know that's not true."
"Well, I think that if you think you're at fault for any of this, then you're entirely wrong."
"You left because of me."
"I left because I made the decision to leave. You didn't tell me to go. You only asked me to keep my distance, and I could have tried to do that while still being here. That's probably what most sane people with a bit of backbone would have done anyway."
"Adam..."
"But I was overwhelmed. You'd think I'd be used by now by the faculty's lack of support for the Apples, and by all the jeering from our dear schoolmates, but when our Spring Festival was canceled..."
"I know. We worked so hard on that."
"And we were going to be bloody fantastic, even if I say so myself. We put everything we had into it, and to have it all go down the drain just the day before..."
"I'd never seen you so upset," Kurt murmured.
"And things just seemed to go downhill from there. Eliezer and Martina were talking about leaving the group. Professor Hagemans pointed at me in class as the perfect example of actors who are doomed to a life of guest starring roles in subpar procedural TV series. I went to eleven auditions, got eleven rejections, six of them with unflattering remarks about some aspect of my body, and in two of them I was asked to leave before I even got to read for the part."
Kurt reached out and placed his hand on Adam's arm, trying to comfort him.
"And I kept consoling myself by thinking, 'Well, at least I have Kurt.'"
Flinching, Kurt withdrew his hand.
"And then I didn't have you anymore," Adam went on with a humorless smile. "You decided to give Blaine another chance." He shrugged. "And I was okay with it. Well, not okay, obviously, but... I always knew it was a possibility. And I had convinced myself that if you chose to break up with me, I wouldn't really lose you, because we'd still be friends. I mean, you were still friends with Blaine even after he cheated on you, so..."
Kurt looked away, wringing his hands nervously.
"But then you said we should not remain friends. And that you were leaving the Apples as well. You needed a clean break so you and Blaine could rebuild your relationship."
"I never meant to hurt you."
Adam smiled, a true smile this time. "I know that. I understood your position. You had to ease his mind, and yours too. In fact..." He chuckled self-consciously. "I suspect I just came out of this admiring you even more."
Kurt shook his head, as if to deny there was any valor to his actions.
But Adam would have none of that. "It's never easy, committing to someone, making sacrifices. Especially when you've been hurt before. But you made a choice and stood by it. Crossed the bridge and burnt it down. It was a very brave thing to do."
"God, what is wrong with you?!" Kurt huffed. "You're not supposed to think highly of me when I walk all over you! Stop!"
"Did you walk all over me?"
"I..."
"There are no villains here, Kurt. I knew what I was walking into. I knew the risks. I took them because I thought you were worthy. And I wasn't wrong about that." Adam shrugged. "You were never cruel. Even when you told me you didn't want to see me again, I could tell you still cared about me on some level. If my charms failed to get you to fall hopelessly in love with me, that is hardly your fault."
Kurt's eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Oh, Adam... That's not..."
"I'm not saying I was like, you know, 'Yay, he dumped me, but he did it so nicely that it doesn't hurt at all!' I'm not that zen. I wasn't mad at you, but I was... really, really sad. And with everything else going on... Well, at that moment, I couldn't help the feeling that it really sucked to be me."
Kurt raised his hand towards Adam's, but changed his mind and let it fall on his own lap again.
"So," Adam went on, showing no sign that he had noticed Kurt's gesture, "that was a Friday. I spent Saturday walking around Central Park, telling myself that all I needed to heal my aching heart was a bit of fresh air and exercise. When it got dark, I went back to my flat and baked a hundred cookies, but couldn't bring myself to eat any. Sunday morning I woke up before the sun, contemplating the thought of coming to school the next day. I felt so damn wretched, hopeless and Kurtless, and it was like I couldn't breathe anymore. So I emailed my goodbye and apologies to the Apples, packed my stuff, and went back to Essex."
"You didn't stay there, though."
Adam smirked. "Apparently not."
"What did you do over there?"
"Oh, I wept like a baby on my mother's lap for about a week. Then we watched Love, Actually together, because I thought all the loveliness and cuteness and Christmasiness would make me feel better, but instead the movie only seemed to drive the point home that not everyone gets quite the happy ending they hope for."
Kurt bit down on his lower lip.
"Then finally Mum made me dry my tears and gave me a couple of serious sessions of tough love. Told me to make use of my sensitivity for something creative and not let it cripple me. Said I can't run away from my life every time my heart is broken because life is heartbreaking. And that if I ever come to a point when I stop allowing myself to love and be hurt, then I won't be really living anymore."
"Sounds like something my dad would say. Minus the accent."
Adam smiled. "After that, she sent me to get a haircut and a professional shave, saying that just because I'm showing signs of a severe case of puppy dog eyes doesn't mean I should go around looking like something that belongs in a kennel."
Kurt let out a timid giggle.
"And then," Adam went on, "she drove me to the airport and put me on the first flight back to New York."
"I think I like your mom."
Adam grinned. "I'm sure she'd adore you."
"Didn't she tell you to never come near boys with baggage again?"
"Everyone has baggage, Kurt. I carry shitloads of it myself wherever I go. Or else I might have braved this storm a little better."
"I'm so, so sorry."
"Again, it wasn't your fault."
"I should never have said I didn't want to see you again."
"Why not? It made sense. You asked for a clean break, so you could restart things with Blaine without any ghosts hovering over your relationship. I understood."
"But I didn't want any of that!"
Adam blinked, surprised, and turned his head to look more closely at Kurt's face.
Kurt closed his eyes, letting out a long, dejected sigh. "I didn't want to stop hanging out with you. I didn't want to leave the Apples. I let Blaine convince me to give you up, and give them up, when that was the last thing I wanted."
"Oh."
"I thought I had to. I thought we had to, Blaine and I. You know, cut all ties to the past, make sacrifices, like you said, to prove that each other's happiness was our priority, for real this time." Kurt shook his head. "It sounded so very romantic, but... I kind of like having my own life, you know? My own friends. Is that selfish of me?"
"I can hardly claim to have a disinterested opinion on the matter, but... I'd say it's pretty healthy of you."
"I wanted his promise to never again see the boys who had come between us in the past. So I thought I had to offer him a promise of equal value. Does that make sense?"
"I..." Adam rested his head on his palm, his elbow propped on the arm of the seat. "I suppose it does," he said sadly.
"I thought it made sense," Kurt countered. "I believed it for long enough to actually say goodbye to you. And then, pretty much the second you left, I started regretting it. I came this close to actually running after you and taking it all back."
"I see. I guess that explains it."
"Explains what?"
"Well... I couldn't help but notice..."
"What?"
"You're talking to me."
"Oh. Yes. Yes, I am."
"Right now, you are talking to me."
Kurt lowered his head to hide his blushing. "Yeah, I noticed."
"And earlier... you actually hugged me."
Kurt raised his hands to his burning cheeks. "I did."
"And, okay, I guess I wasn't supposed to be here. I mean, I heard a voice in the auditorium when I was passing by, but I didn't realize it was you until I came inside. I should have left then. I shouldn't have stayed hearing you sing, because I could tell that performance was not meant for anyone's eyes or ears. And when you stopped singing and the spell you always cast upon me when you sing was broken, I tried to leave. I really did. I turned away. I climbed up about five steps up the aisle. And I swear to you, Kurt, I would have climbed all the way up, if you hadn't called my name."
"I believe you."
"You called my name. Loudly. It's not like you need to yell in this room to be heard, but you did anyway. So all I can deduce from this is that you really wanted me to hear you."
"I... didn't want you to leave again."
"Yes, well, you could have, you know, asked me to stay. Just a polite 'Please wait a moment' or 'Please stay' or 'Please don't go before we talk'... or even a non-polite 'Stop running away from your life, you bloody ninny!' Any of those would have done the trick. You didn't need to run up to me and physically hold me to the spot. Not that I'm complaining. Because I'm really, really not."
Kurt hid face behind his hands. "I missed you, okay?"
Adam grinned from ear to ear. "I'm not gonna lie, that is very good to hear. But..."
"But...?"
"Well, I think you need to tell me where you're drawing the line now."
"What do you mean?" asked Kurt, turning to gaze at Adam.
"Kurt, I missed you too. Clearly. You said you regret saying goodbye to me, so I'm hoping this means we don't have to avoid each other anymore. And I definitely hope you'll remain with the Apples, even if I fail to graduate and end up sticking around, because they truly adore you and you shouldn't have to deprive yourself of the pleasure and insanity of their company."
Kurt smiled fondly.
"But you also made a promise to Blaine," Adam reminded him.
"Right." Kurt turned serious. "About that..."
"I'm just saying, Kurt, that you'll have to figure out what you want, and settle things with him, and then tell me where exactly I'd fit in your life, if at all, and where the boundaries lie. Because while I'd love for us to be friends, I really don't want to cause trouble for you and Blaine."
"There isn't a 'me and Blaine' anymore."
Adam's response to that was utter silence. Even his face, always so expressive, became unreadable.
"Tibideaux decided to hold auditions for new applicants here this year instead of traveling the whole country to meet them. So Blaine came to New York, and I gave him a tour of the school, and he even sat in a few of my classes. And after his audition we met at the cafeteria, and that's when Kayla showed up and told me you were gone, had been gone for a week already, and you were never coming back."
Adam nodded, but his face remained blank.
"And I was upset. I was really, really upset. I felt absolutely awful, thinking I had totally derailed your education, your career, your life. I wondered if I should try to call you or email you, but then I was freaking out because, god, what could I possibly say to fix this?"
Adam opened his mouth to say something, but closed it a moment later without uttering a word.
"Blaine tried to comfort me, said it wasn't my fault. That you're a grown man, and you're the only one to blame if you decided to drop out."
Adam nodded.
"And that contacting you was the last thing I should do, as it'd only make things far worse."
A little frown darkened Adam's brow.
"Because if you had wanted to talk to me, you wouldn't have left without saying goodbye, so I shouldn't bother."
Adam rolled his eyes, pressing his lips into a thin line.
"And then he said..." Kurt gulped. "He said maybe it was for the best. You know. That you had left."
Adam slumped millimetrically into his seat.
"But best for whom, really?" asked Kurt, his palms upwards. "Certainly not for you, what with your whole life upturned. And certainly not for me, because... because..."
Adam gazed at Kurt out of the corner of his eye.
Kurt took a deep breath, and let it out in a gush of stuttering words. "Because I missed you. Okay? Because when I said we should never see each other again, I knew that wouldn't be feasible. We went to the same school, and it's a pretty large building, but not so big that we could avoid each other forever. And New York might be huge and crowded, but it's a tiny world for people who share similar interests because too often they'll converge on the same points and events. We were bound to come across each other at some point, I was sure of that. And I guess... I was counting on that."
A soft smile curved Adam's lips.
"But I didn't tell Blaine any of that," Kurt admitted. "It would have hurt his feelings, and I didn't want that. I had done enough damage to yours; I should try to spare someone in this mess. But later that night I was checking your Facebook to see if there were any updates since you had left, and he caught me. Not that I was hiding what I was doing, but still Blaine reacted like he had found me in flagrante delicto. Anyway, there were no updates, and I got worried, and I started wondering out loud about where you might be, how you were feeling, whether you had any plans, if there was anyone looking out for you, and whether you'd be able to keep on following Days of Our Lives, because I know people post some storylines online, but I'm not sure you can watch the entire show from England. And I wondered if there was something I could do to help you at least with that."
Adam's smile broadened, his eyes crinkling.
"Until Blaine told me to shut up."
A scowl erased all signs of happiness from Adam's face.
"He didn't tell me to shut up, exactly," amended Kurt, noticing Adam's dark expression. "He wasn't rude about it. His precise words were 'The way you keep talking about this guy makes me uncomfortable and unsure of our relationship.' And he kept looking at me with those wounded puppy eyes of his that always make me feel like Cruella De Vil. He said he understood my concern. Actually, he said he was 'inspired by how moral and compassionate' I am. His words. But that we'd agreed to put the past behind us, so the right thing for me to do, for the both of us, was not to talk about you anymore. Just the way he never talks about Sebastian, this guy with whom he was a little friendlier than he should have, and just the way he never talks about the guy he cheated on me with, because he says they don't matter, none of them meant anything to him, the same way you never meant anything to me."
Adam took a deep breath, and held it in, unable to exhale.
"But you meant something to me," Kurt admitted. "You meant a lot. And you still do."
Adam's breath came out in a ragged sigh.
"And I can't imagine a time when I won't want to talk about you. About how you recruited me to the Apples, and how that was the first time I was told I was wanted and needed in a group instead of me having to convince the group to let me in. About how you and the Apples sang Baby Got Back to me, and it was so joyous and playful and unpretentious and perfect, because that was exactly what I was looking for, fun people to be friends with. About how you spent the next weeks showering me with compliments every time we met, and how you wouldn't let go until I accepted them. About how you'd ask for my opinion on all sorts of things, from mash-up ideas to risotto recipes to international politics to the existence of flying saucers to whether Miss Marple and Joan Watson would get along if they had to work together. And about how you'd then listen to whatever I had to say as if it really mattered, even when it was clear that I had no idea what I was talking about, or even when you disagreed with every word coming out of my mouth. All the little things you did that made me feel truly appreciated, and now I was never supposed to mention them again?"
There was a sharp gleam of sadness and concern in Adam's eyes.
"And then there're all the things about you that just..." Kurt huffed. "Is it that hard to understand that when I meet interesting people I want to talk about them? Sometimes Blaine likes to talk about Rush Limbaugh. Nothing good, of course, but still, does it make any sense to you to have a rule forbidding me to talk about you when it's okay to talk about Rush Limbaugh? Well, guess what, I don't want to talk about Rush Limbaugh. I'd much rather talk about your beanies. And I don't even like beanies, but you like them, and they look good on you, and it's cute when you take them off and your hair gets all messy, which is another thing I usually hate, but not on you. And then there's that accent of yours, and all the other accents you can pull off, and all those times we watched Downton Abbey on mute and made up the lines and did the accents, and how perfect is your Mrs. Hughes, and now I can't tell anyone about any of that? And if someone asks me who gave me that amazing recipe for orange oatmeal cookies, I'm supposed to lie and say I found it online? I like talking about you! About your weird musical taste that shouldn't make you a good show choir director but somehow does. About your fascination with sea creatures, even though you don't have and never had an aquarium. About how you'd always open the door for me, and pull my chair out and help me in, and how nice that is because you don't do it to be the alpha gay, but because you're just that nice to everybody. About your smile, with all its crinkles, and the dimples, and about your beautiful eyes, your big hands, your arms, your arse..."
A tiny smirk curved Adam's lips.
"I mean, your ass," Kurt corrected himself quickly. Then, even more flustered, "No, I meant... Of course I don't go around talking about your ass to people! I just... I mean..."
Adam bit his lower lip to contain a fit of giggles.
Kurt closed his eyes and hid his face behind his hands. "Okay, maybe there's wisdom in telling me to quit talking about you."
Adam threw his head back, laughing like a little kid.
"Shut up," Kurt groaned.
"I didn't say a thing."
"Fine, then I'll shut up."
"No, no, please," said Adam soothingly. "Go on."
Kurt sent him a sideways glare. "You just want to hear me say nice things about you."
"Well, I don't mind that, I admit. But no, I mean what happened between you and Blaine. He asked you not to mention me anymore. How did you respond to that?"
"I..." Kurt's shoulders drooped as he stared helplessly at his hands. "I said, 'Fine.'"
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Hey, I'm just glad my arse made you pause."
"Shut up!" Kurt hissed, his smile dulling the edge of his sharp words.
"Besides, from what you already told me, the story doesn't end there, so... what happened next?"
"Well, we spent the rest of the day pretending you didn't exist and that everything was picture perfect. That was Friday."
"I think that was the day I watched Love, Actually. Not sure. Last week was a bit of a blur, to be honest."
"It's funny, I remember thinking of Jamie and Aurélia that night, and how they fell in love even though they didn't speak the same language. They got a happy ending."
"Yeah, but both learned each other's language to make it work," Adam pointed out.
"Yeah," said Kurt with a sigh. "That's what I remembered next."
"I take it communication with Blaine became complicated?"
"Well, not as hard as that. We just stuck to safe topics. Like the weather in New York, his audition, the differences between New York pizza and Ohio pizza, how we'd both love to meet Ellen DeGeneres, and how Sam made him realize bowties made him look uptight and pretentious."
Adam glanced at Kurt's neck and at the silver satin bowtie he was wearing. "That was a safe topic?"
"Oh, he rushed to add that I looked great with bowties, that they suit me perfectly."
"Backhanded compliment?"
"Probably not meant that way, but still..."
"What did you say?"
"...'thanks'?"
Adam's gaze as he looked at Kurt seemed full of sadness. "You were really determined not to rock the boat, weren't you?"
"Yes. And I think so was he, in his own way. But, you know, apparently ignoring the elements doesn't insure a smooth trip." Kurt brushed some nonexistent lint off his jeans. "Thankfully, we didn't talk much that night anyway. We went to bed early. Never before did I truly appreciate the efficiency of sex in precluding conversation."
Adam nodded, his expression guarded.
Kurt noticed it, and winced. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
"Kurt, when you told me you had chosen him, I knew it wasn't to play checkers. You were back together. It's hardly surprising that you slept with him."
"Still, I shouldn't rub it in your face."
"You're not. Unless you start drawing comparisons and telling me how much better in bed he is."
Kurt snorted. "Trust me, I won't."
Adam arched an eyebrow, the beginnings of a smug smirk curving his mouth. "Really?"
"Shut up," muttered Kurt, blushing.
"What?" asked Adam with fake innocence. "I'm not saying anything!"
"It's not that he was bad. I just wasn't really in the mood."
Adam became very serious again. "Then why did you do it?"
"How could I not? We had just gotten back together. It was... expected."
"Kurt..."
"If I had told him I just wanted to sleep, he'd have read something into it. He'd have asked me why, he'd have questioned me, and I don't know if I could have given him any answers without either lying or mentioning the things we had just promised never to mention again. It was just easier to... to go with it, you know?"
Adam kept staring at Kurt, the level of alarm in his eyes growing with each second.
"No, it... it was fine," Kurt assured him. "It wasn't bad. It wasn't coerced. It wasn't... you know... unpleasant. It was fine. I just really wanted to get it done quickly so I could take a shower and sleep."
The statement seemed to do little to soothe Adam's spirits, but he accepted it with a tiny nod of his head.
"The irony, of course, is that after that I couldn't sleep. And I had no Ambien left."
"I thought you had stopped taking it."
"I had! Which is why I had none left. One of Santana's one-night-stands stole what was left in the last bottle - along with Rachel's green peignoir and our corkscrew - and I never bothered to get more. So I was wide awake, for hours and hours and hours, trying not to toss in the bed so I wouldn't wake up Blaine. I thought of getting Bruce out, but then Blaine might be offended if I chose to snuggle with my boyfriend arm pillow instead of him."
"Aw, come on, how could anyone resent Bruce? He's so comfy!"
Kurt laughed.
"I mean it," Adam insisted earnestly. "I missed him terribly these past few days."
"You could have gotten one online. I'm sure they deliver in England."
"It wouldn't have smelled the same." Then, Adam looked away. "My turn to apologize. I shouldn't have said that."
"It's okay," Kurt murmured, his cheeks a little pinker than before.
A moment of awkward silence followed.
"So." Adam cleared his throat. "You couldn't sleep at all?"
"I dozed off for about an hour, a little before sunset. I was alone when I woke up."
"You mean alone in bed or in the loft?"
"In bed. Rachel had already gone to her yoga class, but Santana was still sleeping, and Blaine was in the kitchen having breakfast with Sam."
"Sam? He came with Blaine to New York?"
"No, he was in Lima. They were Skyping while having breakfast."
"So you joined them?"
"I said hi. And made myself a croque-madame. Then I sat at the table beside Blaine and ate. Mostly they were talking about universe reboots in superhero comics, which isn't a subject I'm very familiar with. I suggested a few alternatives to spandex for superhero uniforms and wondered about the merits of short capes versus long capes, and primary colors versus the basic black. But they thought I was making fun of them."
"Were you?"
Kurt shook his head. "I take fashion very seriously. I thought at least Blaine understood that."
Adam looked down at himself, at his simple clothes and the sneakers he wore practically every day, and deflated a little. "I hadn't realized that when you first asked me out," he admitted. "And when I did, I couldn't understand why you had asked me out at all."
"Well..." Kurt shrugged, smiling coyly. "I didn't ask your clothes out, did I?"
"You did ask them off eventually."
"Adam!"
"Sorry, sorry, sorry." The older man didn't appear all that apologetic, though. "Some cues are just too hard to resist."
Kurt made a valiant effort to look affronted, but couldn't help a smile as he saw Adam's eyebrows arching and twisting over his playful eyes. "I'm trying to tell you a story, Mr. Crawford. Stop distracting me."
Adam pretended to zip his mouth shut.
"Anyway," Kurt continued. "When they logged off, Blaine started telling me about some of the things he and Sam had been up to recently. Duets they sang, Glee Club stuff, Student Counsel stuff, their superheroes club stuff, and lots of other stuff, all of them involving lots and lots of Sam being really amazing and funny and epic."
"Were they ever an item?"
"You know what? I don't even know. As far as I know, Sam's straight. Some of our mutual friends have heavily hinted about some sort of threesome involving Sam, Blaine and Phil Collins, but god only knows what that's supposed to mean, and Blaine insists he and Sam are just 'best bros'. And that's why, I assume, he's allowed to gush nonstop about Sam while I can't even mention your name: because you and I actually dated."
"But it bothered you," said Adam matter-of-factly. "His gushing about Sam."
"It did, but... not for the reasons you're thinking. I wasn't jealous, I was... confused. Because he kept talking about Sam like I didn't know him. Like he had just met this really great guy who became his best friend, so he was listing all his good attributes to convince me of how awesome Sam is. Except I know Sam. I knew Sam before Blaine did. I've known Sam since before I knew Blaine! There's also the tiny detail of Sam living in my house. We shared a bathroom for nine months. And he was always forgetting to lock the door, so twice I walked on him coming out of the shower. So, yeah, I know Sam. I've already seen him naked!" Kurt shook his head in exasperation. "And the way Blaine was singing Sam's praises to me sounded so weird and ludicrous that I just blurted that out, just like that."
"What do you mean? Blurted what out?"
"I told Blaine, 'I saw Sam naked.'"
"Wow."
"I know, I don't know what came over me. I guess my brain wasn't entirely awake yet."
"And how did Blaine react?"
"That's the oddest part. When I realized what I had said, I braced myself for, I don't know, some accusation that I had cheated on him."
"But...?"
"But instead he got this dreamy look in his face and said, 'My god, isn't he gorgeous? I don't know why he has so many body issues. I told him time and again he's the sexiest man I've ever seen.'"
Adam gasped. "He did not."
Kurt shrugged. "He was just talking about the times they showered together in the locker room."
"Okay, but..."
"And I've always known Blaine doesn't find me particularly sexy."
Adam's eyes widened in shocked disbelief.
"It's complicated, okay?" said Kurt defensively. "To this day, I'm not sure what he's ever seen in me."
"Three words, Kurt," said Adam, raising his hand to count them off his fingers. "Young. Paul. Newman."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you are the only one who's ever seen that in me."
"I seriously doubt that. You and Blaine were together for over a year, weren't you? Why would you even think he didn't find you attractive?"
"I don't know. It's just... we were best friends first, we were together all the time, and he knew I was interested in him, but he had made it clear he only wanted to be friends. And that's all we were, despite all my attempts to make it more. But then our choir's mascot canary died. And I was the one in charge of his care, so I was really upset and sang Blackbird as a eulogy to him. Please don't laugh."
"Why would I laugh?" murmured Adam gently.
"And just like that, Blaine had some sort of epiphany and we started dating. That's pretty much what he said: that when he saw me sing that song, he realized he had been looking for me forever. It was definitely not the first time he heard me sing, so I don't really know what about me singing to a dead canary suddenly made me attractive before his eyes."
"Maybe you let your vulnerability show?" suggested Adam. "That was what captivated Tibideaux, after all."
"Maybe," Kurt conceded. "But I'm not sure I like the idea that he only realized my appeal when I was sad and crying."
"But you were not sad and crying during all the time you spent together, were you?"
"No. Then again, for the next eight months, well, we'd make out and all, but he didn't seem particularly eager to go beyond that, you know? He kept talking about waiting for the right time..."
"That's good."
"...and the merits of masturbation."
Adam's lips twitched, but he said nothing.
"And then one day, he changed his tune. He started talking about being adventurous, and experiencing life... and instead of using words like 'adorable' and 'interesting' to describe me, he told me I was 'hot'." Kurt frowned. "Actually, no, he said my fantasy about having relations with Taylor Lautner on a dewy meadow of lilac was hot, so I'm not sure how much of a heat factor I was in that scenario."
"Wolf boy's got nothing on you."
Kurt nudged Adam with his elbow, a little smile lighting up his face for just a moment before disappearing again. "I didn't think much of it then. I mean, about the timing. But looking back now, I can't help wondering if it was just a coincidence that this change of tune came right after he met Sebastian."
"The guy Blaine was too friendly with?"
Kurt nodded. "One night Sebastian took us to a gay bar, and Blaine got drunk and spent most of the night dancing with him, until I got sick of it and physically dragged Blaine to dance with me. And when we were leaving, Blaine suddenly decided he and I should have our first time in the back of the car, right there in the parking lot."
"So much for waiting for the right time," Adam muttered.
"So I yelled at him, and he yelled at me, and we didn't talk to each other until the following night. Then we patched things up and... we went to his house."
Adam's gaze lowered to the floor, his eyebrows knitted together.
"I don't think he was thinking of Sebastian when we did it," said Kurt. "But I sometimes wonder if maybe he was... I don't know."
"Sublimating?" suggested Adam.
"I don't know," Kurt repeated. "At the time, it all seemed so magical. But after all we went through... and after this last weekend... I just really don't know anymore."
"Something else happened this weekend? Or was Blaine's comment about Sam's gorgeous body the final straw for you?"
Kurt snorted. "Nah. My camel's back was starting to bend, but it was far from breaking. Besides, I didn't even have time to react, because Santana woke up and got pissed at Blaine for eating her cereal."
"Oh, my. Poor, poor Blaine."
The two men exchanged a devilish grin.
(Click HERE to continue)
Fandom: Glee
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Kurt/Adam
Warnings: Not Blaine-friendly.
Disclaimer: Glee is a creation of Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan; its characters belong to 20th Century Fox Television and associates. Begin Again was written by Taylor Swift.
Spoilers: Up until episode 4.15 - "Girls (and Boys) on Film"
Thanks: To my beta and best friend tekalynn.
Summary: Love really does more than break and burn and end. But it takes Kurt a while and a few missteps to learn that.
A/N: The basic idea for this story was born almost immediately after seeing Adam on screen for the first time, but the concept evolved with time and new canon. Then EiraCannaid posted this brilliant fanvid and I couldn't resist incorporating the song into my story.
Watch It Begin Again
by Morgan D.
The young man on the stage was crying. There was a song flowing out of his lips, more music than lyrics, the words drowning in the tearful lament. No riffs, no runs, no wails, no belting, just the simple melody, quiet but not tranquil, painful like an open wound. The tears ran down freely, shamelessly, and no gesture was made to dry or hide them.
There was no one in the audience to see them anyway.
He paced the stage like a caged beast, his eyes tightly shut. Only the ghost light was on, and unflattering shadows danced across his face as he moved into and out of the dark corners, accentuating tired lines that didn't belong in the young visage. No matter his weariness and distress, though, he wouldn't let go of his breath control. Each note had to be delivered with utmost care, nurtured with feeling and seemingly endless streams of air, rich with haunting overtones. Although he never raised his voice beyond a mezzo piano, the sound filled the empty auditorium with strength and clarity.
His feet instinctively led him to the front of the stage, almost to the edge of the access walkway, as the song neared its end. A little ritardando as he repeated the last line, consonants becoming crisper, the last note a murmured question rather than a sonorous statement, and it was over.
He endured the heavy silence for a few seconds before finally opening his eyes... to the sudden realization that he was not entirely alone.
Another man stood on the steps of the aisle between the seats, right in the middle of the auditorium. He was... not smiling. His mouth twitched faintly like he wanted but didn't dare to. He took a deep breath as he stared at the man on the stage, as if someone had just pulled him from under water. His eyes seemed rueful and cloudy in the dim room.
For a moment they just looked at each other, perfectly still.
Then the second man lowered his head and turned around, climbing up the steps towards the exit.
That seemed to get the man on the stage out of his trance. "Adam!"
Adam stopped, his whole body taut to the point of quivering. Very slowly, he turned back to face the stage. The next second, all the air in his lungs was squeezed out of him and he stumbled back as a solid body collided against his chest and strong arms tightened around his waist.
"Hey, Kurt," he whispered.
Kurt returned the greeting by burying his face against Adam's neck and holding on for dear life.
#####
"I thought I'd never see you again," Kurt murmured.
"Well. That was the plan."
"That wasn't what I wanted."
Sitting on one of the auditorium seats, Adam turned slightly to the young man at his left, one eyebrow arched high.
"Yes, I know," Kurt huffed. "That's what I said I wanted."
"In those exact words," Adam reminded him.
"I know."
"You actually said, 'I don't think we should see each other again. Ever.'"
"I know."
"You said 'ever'. Little pause, which I took for a full stop, but might have been a comma, then... 'ever'."
"I..."
"And anyway, I doubt it makes that much of a difference if it was meant to be a full stop or a comma, because... 'ever'. That one was very clear."
"I didn't mean for you to drop out of school, take your things and ran back to England!"
"I didn't run back to England. I flew. Planes. Marvelous inventions."
"Adam..."
"Sorry. I shouldn't joke about this. I can see you're upset. "
"Upset?! You have no idea how awful I felt when I found out."
"And I'm really sorry. You were not supposed to find out. Frankly, I didn't think you'd notice I was gone."
Kurt gasped. "How can you even say something like that?!"
"You said 'ever'!" Adam replied defensively. "I reckoned you'd be making a conscious effort to avoid me, so when you didn't stumble upon me in the hallways, you'd take that as a sign that your efforts were being successful. And then the semester would end, and you'd assume I had finished school and moved on."
"That... makes sense," Kurt conceded with much reluctance.
"So how did you find out I was gone?" Adam risked a smile. "You looked for me?"
"...no."
The smile faded. "Oh. Okay."
"Kayla came to talk to me on Friday. She suggested I rejoin the Apples now instead of next semester. You told them why I was taking a break from the group?"
Adam frowned. "Just Kayla. I told the others you were worried about your finals, but she didn't buy it and came after me, badgering me for the truth until I spilled it out." He sighed. "I'm really sorry, Kurt. What did she say to you?"
"Well, she told me that if you were the reason I left, then I could rejoin right away and take part in the meeting next week at Lennox's place to go over the plans for the Fall program. Because, 'Holy mother of hell, Kurt, haven't you heard? Crawford has dropped out and gone back to fucking Essex!'"
"That's a perfect impression of Kayla," Adam remarked, both impressed and amused. "I wouldn't do it in front of her if I were you."
"What the hell were you thinking, Adam? You don't drop out two weeks before graduation!"
"I can't say there was much thinking involved, to be honest."
"You're missing your final exams."
"I missed some, yeah. Came back today just in time for my Speech IV performance exam. The topic was Accents and Dialects, easily one of my favorite courses ever, so I reckon I at least managed to save that grade. And I have what's left of the week. But there were papers I was supposed to finish and probably won't have time to."
"Maybe they'll let you make up for it?"
Adam shrugged. "A few of the professors might. I reckon I'll be doing a lot of groveling for the next two days."
"Will you be able to graduate this semester?"
"That remains to be seen. Odds aren't good, though. I may have to pay for my little breakdown with an extension of my time at NYADA."
"Adam, I'm so, so sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"Oh, I think we both know that's not true."
"Well, I think that if you think you're at fault for any of this, then you're entirely wrong."
"You left because of me."
"I left because I made the decision to leave. You didn't tell me to go. You only asked me to keep my distance, and I could have tried to do that while still being here. That's probably what most sane people with a bit of backbone would have done anyway."
"Adam..."
"But I was overwhelmed. You'd think I'd be used by now by the faculty's lack of support for the Apples, and by all the jeering from our dear schoolmates, but when our Spring Festival was canceled..."
"I know. We worked so hard on that."
"And we were going to be bloody fantastic, even if I say so myself. We put everything we had into it, and to have it all go down the drain just the day before..."
"I'd never seen you so upset," Kurt murmured.
"And things just seemed to go downhill from there. Eliezer and Martina were talking about leaving the group. Professor Hagemans pointed at me in class as the perfect example of actors who are doomed to a life of guest starring roles in subpar procedural TV series. I went to eleven auditions, got eleven rejections, six of them with unflattering remarks about some aspect of my body, and in two of them I was asked to leave before I even got to read for the part."
Kurt reached out and placed his hand on Adam's arm, trying to comfort him.
"And I kept consoling myself by thinking, 'Well, at least I have Kurt.'"
Flinching, Kurt withdrew his hand.
"And then I didn't have you anymore," Adam went on with a humorless smile. "You decided to give Blaine another chance." He shrugged. "And I was okay with it. Well, not okay, obviously, but... I always knew it was a possibility. And I had convinced myself that if you chose to break up with me, I wouldn't really lose you, because we'd still be friends. I mean, you were still friends with Blaine even after he cheated on you, so..."
Kurt looked away, wringing his hands nervously.
"But then you said we should not remain friends. And that you were leaving the Apples as well. You needed a clean break so you and Blaine could rebuild your relationship."
"I never meant to hurt you."
Adam smiled, a true smile this time. "I know that. I understood your position. You had to ease his mind, and yours too. In fact..." He chuckled self-consciously. "I suspect I just came out of this admiring you even more."
Kurt shook his head, as if to deny there was any valor to his actions.
But Adam would have none of that. "It's never easy, committing to someone, making sacrifices. Especially when you've been hurt before. But you made a choice and stood by it. Crossed the bridge and burnt it down. It was a very brave thing to do."
"God, what is wrong with you?!" Kurt huffed. "You're not supposed to think highly of me when I walk all over you! Stop!"
"Did you walk all over me?"
"I..."
"There are no villains here, Kurt. I knew what I was walking into. I knew the risks. I took them because I thought you were worthy. And I wasn't wrong about that." Adam shrugged. "You were never cruel. Even when you told me you didn't want to see me again, I could tell you still cared about me on some level. If my charms failed to get you to fall hopelessly in love with me, that is hardly your fault."
Kurt's eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Oh, Adam... That's not..."
"I'm not saying I was like, you know, 'Yay, he dumped me, but he did it so nicely that it doesn't hurt at all!' I'm not that zen. I wasn't mad at you, but I was... really, really sad. And with everything else going on... Well, at that moment, I couldn't help the feeling that it really sucked to be me."
Kurt raised his hand towards Adam's, but changed his mind and let it fall on his own lap again.
"So," Adam went on, showing no sign that he had noticed Kurt's gesture, "that was a Friday. I spent Saturday walking around Central Park, telling myself that all I needed to heal my aching heart was a bit of fresh air and exercise. When it got dark, I went back to my flat and baked a hundred cookies, but couldn't bring myself to eat any. Sunday morning I woke up before the sun, contemplating the thought of coming to school the next day. I felt so damn wretched, hopeless and Kurtless, and it was like I couldn't breathe anymore. So I emailed my goodbye and apologies to the Apples, packed my stuff, and went back to Essex."
"You didn't stay there, though."
Adam smirked. "Apparently not."
"What did you do over there?"
"Oh, I wept like a baby on my mother's lap for about a week. Then we watched Love, Actually together, because I thought all the loveliness and cuteness and Christmasiness would make me feel better, but instead the movie only seemed to drive the point home that not everyone gets quite the happy ending they hope for."
Kurt bit down on his lower lip.
"Then finally Mum made me dry my tears and gave me a couple of serious sessions of tough love. Told me to make use of my sensitivity for something creative and not let it cripple me. Said I can't run away from my life every time my heart is broken because life is heartbreaking. And that if I ever come to a point when I stop allowing myself to love and be hurt, then I won't be really living anymore."
"Sounds like something my dad would say. Minus the accent."
Adam smiled. "After that, she sent me to get a haircut and a professional shave, saying that just because I'm showing signs of a severe case of puppy dog eyes doesn't mean I should go around looking like something that belongs in a kennel."
Kurt let out a timid giggle.
"And then," Adam went on, "she drove me to the airport and put me on the first flight back to New York."
"I think I like your mom."
Adam grinned. "I'm sure she'd adore you."
"Didn't she tell you to never come near boys with baggage again?"
"Everyone has baggage, Kurt. I carry shitloads of it myself wherever I go. Or else I might have braved this storm a little better."
"I'm so, so sorry."
"Again, it wasn't your fault."
"I should never have said I didn't want to see you again."
"Why not? It made sense. You asked for a clean break, so you could restart things with Blaine without any ghosts hovering over your relationship. I understood."
"But I didn't want any of that!"
Adam blinked, surprised, and turned his head to look more closely at Kurt's face.
Kurt closed his eyes, letting out a long, dejected sigh. "I didn't want to stop hanging out with you. I didn't want to leave the Apples. I let Blaine convince me to give you up, and give them up, when that was the last thing I wanted."
"Oh."
"I thought I had to. I thought we had to, Blaine and I. You know, cut all ties to the past, make sacrifices, like you said, to prove that each other's happiness was our priority, for real this time." Kurt shook his head. "It sounded so very romantic, but... I kind of like having my own life, you know? My own friends. Is that selfish of me?"
"I can hardly claim to have a disinterested opinion on the matter, but... I'd say it's pretty healthy of you."
"I wanted his promise to never again see the boys who had come between us in the past. So I thought I had to offer him a promise of equal value. Does that make sense?"
"I..." Adam rested his head on his palm, his elbow propped on the arm of the seat. "I suppose it does," he said sadly.
"I thought it made sense," Kurt countered. "I believed it for long enough to actually say goodbye to you. And then, pretty much the second you left, I started regretting it. I came this close to actually running after you and taking it all back."
"I see. I guess that explains it."
"Explains what?"
"Well... I couldn't help but notice..."
"What?"
"You're talking to me."
"Oh. Yes. Yes, I am."
"Right now, you are talking to me."
Kurt lowered his head to hide his blushing. "Yeah, I noticed."
"And earlier... you actually hugged me."
Kurt raised his hands to his burning cheeks. "I did."
"And, okay, I guess I wasn't supposed to be here. I mean, I heard a voice in the auditorium when I was passing by, but I didn't realize it was you until I came inside. I should have left then. I shouldn't have stayed hearing you sing, because I could tell that performance was not meant for anyone's eyes or ears. And when you stopped singing and the spell you always cast upon me when you sing was broken, I tried to leave. I really did. I turned away. I climbed up about five steps up the aisle. And I swear to you, Kurt, I would have climbed all the way up, if you hadn't called my name."
"I believe you."
"You called my name. Loudly. It's not like you need to yell in this room to be heard, but you did anyway. So all I can deduce from this is that you really wanted me to hear you."
"I... didn't want you to leave again."
"Yes, well, you could have, you know, asked me to stay. Just a polite 'Please wait a moment' or 'Please stay' or 'Please don't go before we talk'... or even a non-polite 'Stop running away from your life, you bloody ninny!' Any of those would have done the trick. You didn't need to run up to me and physically hold me to the spot. Not that I'm complaining. Because I'm really, really not."
Kurt hid face behind his hands. "I missed you, okay?"
Adam grinned from ear to ear. "I'm not gonna lie, that is very good to hear. But..."
"But...?"
"Well, I think you need to tell me where you're drawing the line now."
"What do you mean?" asked Kurt, turning to gaze at Adam.
"Kurt, I missed you too. Clearly. You said you regret saying goodbye to me, so I'm hoping this means we don't have to avoid each other anymore. And I definitely hope you'll remain with the Apples, even if I fail to graduate and end up sticking around, because they truly adore you and you shouldn't have to deprive yourself of the pleasure and insanity of their company."
Kurt smiled fondly.
"But you also made a promise to Blaine," Adam reminded him.
"Right." Kurt turned serious. "About that..."
"I'm just saying, Kurt, that you'll have to figure out what you want, and settle things with him, and then tell me where exactly I'd fit in your life, if at all, and where the boundaries lie. Because while I'd love for us to be friends, I really don't want to cause trouble for you and Blaine."
"There isn't a 'me and Blaine' anymore."
Adam's response to that was utter silence. Even his face, always so expressive, became unreadable.
"Tibideaux decided to hold auditions for new applicants here this year instead of traveling the whole country to meet them. So Blaine came to New York, and I gave him a tour of the school, and he even sat in a few of my classes. And after his audition we met at the cafeteria, and that's when Kayla showed up and told me you were gone, had been gone for a week already, and you were never coming back."
Adam nodded, but his face remained blank.
"And I was upset. I was really, really upset. I felt absolutely awful, thinking I had totally derailed your education, your career, your life. I wondered if I should try to call you or email you, but then I was freaking out because, god, what could I possibly say to fix this?"
Adam opened his mouth to say something, but closed it a moment later without uttering a word.
"Blaine tried to comfort me, said it wasn't my fault. That you're a grown man, and you're the only one to blame if you decided to drop out."
Adam nodded.
"And that contacting you was the last thing I should do, as it'd only make things far worse."
A little frown darkened Adam's brow.
"Because if you had wanted to talk to me, you wouldn't have left without saying goodbye, so I shouldn't bother."
Adam rolled his eyes, pressing his lips into a thin line.
"And then he said..." Kurt gulped. "He said maybe it was for the best. You know. That you had left."
Adam slumped millimetrically into his seat.
"But best for whom, really?" asked Kurt, his palms upwards. "Certainly not for you, what with your whole life upturned. And certainly not for me, because... because..."
Adam gazed at Kurt out of the corner of his eye.
Kurt took a deep breath, and let it out in a gush of stuttering words. "Because I missed you. Okay? Because when I said we should never see each other again, I knew that wouldn't be feasible. We went to the same school, and it's a pretty large building, but not so big that we could avoid each other forever. And New York might be huge and crowded, but it's a tiny world for people who share similar interests because too often they'll converge on the same points and events. We were bound to come across each other at some point, I was sure of that. And I guess... I was counting on that."
A soft smile curved Adam's lips.
"But I didn't tell Blaine any of that," Kurt admitted. "It would have hurt his feelings, and I didn't want that. I had done enough damage to yours; I should try to spare someone in this mess. But later that night I was checking your Facebook to see if there were any updates since you had left, and he caught me. Not that I was hiding what I was doing, but still Blaine reacted like he had found me in flagrante delicto. Anyway, there were no updates, and I got worried, and I started wondering out loud about where you might be, how you were feeling, whether you had any plans, if there was anyone looking out for you, and whether you'd be able to keep on following Days of Our Lives, because I know people post some storylines online, but I'm not sure you can watch the entire show from England. And I wondered if there was something I could do to help you at least with that."
Adam's smile broadened, his eyes crinkling.
"Until Blaine told me to shut up."
A scowl erased all signs of happiness from Adam's face.
"He didn't tell me to shut up, exactly," amended Kurt, noticing Adam's dark expression. "He wasn't rude about it. His precise words were 'The way you keep talking about this guy makes me uncomfortable and unsure of our relationship.' And he kept looking at me with those wounded puppy eyes of his that always make me feel like Cruella De Vil. He said he understood my concern. Actually, he said he was 'inspired by how moral and compassionate' I am. His words. But that we'd agreed to put the past behind us, so the right thing for me to do, for the both of us, was not to talk about you anymore. Just the way he never talks about Sebastian, this guy with whom he was a little friendlier than he should have, and just the way he never talks about the guy he cheated on me with, because he says they don't matter, none of them meant anything to him, the same way you never meant anything to me."
Adam took a deep breath, and held it in, unable to exhale.
"But you meant something to me," Kurt admitted. "You meant a lot. And you still do."
Adam's breath came out in a ragged sigh.
"And I can't imagine a time when I won't want to talk about you. About how you recruited me to the Apples, and how that was the first time I was told I was wanted and needed in a group instead of me having to convince the group to let me in. About how you and the Apples sang Baby Got Back to me, and it was so joyous and playful and unpretentious and perfect, because that was exactly what I was looking for, fun people to be friends with. About how you spent the next weeks showering me with compliments every time we met, and how you wouldn't let go until I accepted them. About how you'd ask for my opinion on all sorts of things, from mash-up ideas to risotto recipes to international politics to the existence of flying saucers to whether Miss Marple and Joan Watson would get along if they had to work together. And about how you'd then listen to whatever I had to say as if it really mattered, even when it was clear that I had no idea what I was talking about, or even when you disagreed with every word coming out of my mouth. All the little things you did that made me feel truly appreciated, and now I was never supposed to mention them again?"
There was a sharp gleam of sadness and concern in Adam's eyes.
"And then there're all the things about you that just..." Kurt huffed. "Is it that hard to understand that when I meet interesting people I want to talk about them? Sometimes Blaine likes to talk about Rush Limbaugh. Nothing good, of course, but still, does it make any sense to you to have a rule forbidding me to talk about you when it's okay to talk about Rush Limbaugh? Well, guess what, I don't want to talk about Rush Limbaugh. I'd much rather talk about your beanies. And I don't even like beanies, but you like them, and they look good on you, and it's cute when you take them off and your hair gets all messy, which is another thing I usually hate, but not on you. And then there's that accent of yours, and all the other accents you can pull off, and all those times we watched Downton Abbey on mute and made up the lines and did the accents, and how perfect is your Mrs. Hughes, and now I can't tell anyone about any of that? And if someone asks me who gave me that amazing recipe for orange oatmeal cookies, I'm supposed to lie and say I found it online? I like talking about you! About your weird musical taste that shouldn't make you a good show choir director but somehow does. About your fascination with sea creatures, even though you don't have and never had an aquarium. About how you'd always open the door for me, and pull my chair out and help me in, and how nice that is because you don't do it to be the alpha gay, but because you're just that nice to everybody. About your smile, with all its crinkles, and the dimples, and about your beautiful eyes, your big hands, your arms, your arse..."
A tiny smirk curved Adam's lips.
"I mean, your ass," Kurt corrected himself quickly. Then, even more flustered, "No, I meant... Of course I don't go around talking about your ass to people! I just... I mean..."
Adam bit his lower lip to contain a fit of giggles.
Kurt closed his eyes and hid his face behind his hands. "Okay, maybe there's wisdom in telling me to quit talking about you."
Adam threw his head back, laughing like a little kid.
"Shut up," Kurt groaned.
"I didn't say a thing."
"Fine, then I'll shut up."
"No, no, please," said Adam soothingly. "Go on."
Kurt sent him a sideways glare. "You just want to hear me say nice things about you."
"Well, I don't mind that, I admit. But no, I mean what happened between you and Blaine. He asked you not to mention me anymore. How did you respond to that?"
"I..." Kurt's shoulders drooped as he stared helplessly at his hands. "I said, 'Fine.'"
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Hey, I'm just glad my arse made you pause."
"Shut up!" Kurt hissed, his smile dulling the edge of his sharp words.
"Besides, from what you already told me, the story doesn't end there, so... what happened next?"
"Well, we spent the rest of the day pretending you didn't exist and that everything was picture perfect. That was Friday."
"I think that was the day I watched Love, Actually. Not sure. Last week was a bit of a blur, to be honest."
"It's funny, I remember thinking of Jamie and Aurélia that night, and how they fell in love even though they didn't speak the same language. They got a happy ending."
"Yeah, but both learned each other's language to make it work," Adam pointed out.
"Yeah," said Kurt with a sigh. "That's what I remembered next."
"I take it communication with Blaine became complicated?"
"Well, not as hard as that. We just stuck to safe topics. Like the weather in New York, his audition, the differences between New York pizza and Ohio pizza, how we'd both love to meet Ellen DeGeneres, and how Sam made him realize bowties made him look uptight and pretentious."
Adam glanced at Kurt's neck and at the silver satin bowtie he was wearing. "That was a safe topic?"
"Oh, he rushed to add that I looked great with bowties, that they suit me perfectly."
"Backhanded compliment?"
"Probably not meant that way, but still..."
"What did you say?"
"...'thanks'?"
Adam's gaze as he looked at Kurt seemed full of sadness. "You were really determined not to rock the boat, weren't you?"
"Yes. And I think so was he, in his own way. But, you know, apparently ignoring the elements doesn't insure a smooth trip." Kurt brushed some nonexistent lint off his jeans. "Thankfully, we didn't talk much that night anyway. We went to bed early. Never before did I truly appreciate the efficiency of sex in precluding conversation."
Adam nodded, his expression guarded.
Kurt noticed it, and winced. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
"Kurt, when you told me you had chosen him, I knew it wasn't to play checkers. You were back together. It's hardly surprising that you slept with him."
"Still, I shouldn't rub it in your face."
"You're not. Unless you start drawing comparisons and telling me how much better in bed he is."
Kurt snorted. "Trust me, I won't."
Adam arched an eyebrow, the beginnings of a smug smirk curving his mouth. "Really?"
"Shut up," muttered Kurt, blushing.
"What?" asked Adam with fake innocence. "I'm not saying anything!"
"It's not that he was bad. I just wasn't really in the mood."
Adam became very serious again. "Then why did you do it?"
"How could I not? We had just gotten back together. It was... expected."
"Kurt..."
"If I had told him I just wanted to sleep, he'd have read something into it. He'd have asked me why, he'd have questioned me, and I don't know if I could have given him any answers without either lying or mentioning the things we had just promised never to mention again. It was just easier to... to go with it, you know?"
Adam kept staring at Kurt, the level of alarm in his eyes growing with each second.
"No, it... it was fine," Kurt assured him. "It wasn't bad. It wasn't coerced. It wasn't... you know... unpleasant. It was fine. I just really wanted to get it done quickly so I could take a shower and sleep."
The statement seemed to do little to soothe Adam's spirits, but he accepted it with a tiny nod of his head.
"The irony, of course, is that after that I couldn't sleep. And I had no Ambien left."
"I thought you had stopped taking it."
"I had! Which is why I had none left. One of Santana's one-night-stands stole what was left in the last bottle - along with Rachel's green peignoir and our corkscrew - and I never bothered to get more. So I was wide awake, for hours and hours and hours, trying not to toss in the bed so I wouldn't wake up Blaine. I thought of getting Bruce out, but then Blaine might be offended if I chose to snuggle with my boyfriend arm pillow instead of him."
"Aw, come on, how could anyone resent Bruce? He's so comfy!"
Kurt laughed.
"I mean it," Adam insisted earnestly. "I missed him terribly these past few days."
"You could have gotten one online. I'm sure they deliver in England."
"It wouldn't have smelled the same." Then, Adam looked away. "My turn to apologize. I shouldn't have said that."
"It's okay," Kurt murmured, his cheeks a little pinker than before.
A moment of awkward silence followed.
"So." Adam cleared his throat. "You couldn't sleep at all?"
"I dozed off for about an hour, a little before sunset. I was alone when I woke up."
"You mean alone in bed or in the loft?"
"In bed. Rachel had already gone to her yoga class, but Santana was still sleeping, and Blaine was in the kitchen having breakfast with Sam."
"Sam? He came with Blaine to New York?"
"No, he was in Lima. They were Skyping while having breakfast."
"So you joined them?"
"I said hi. And made myself a croque-madame. Then I sat at the table beside Blaine and ate. Mostly they were talking about universe reboots in superhero comics, which isn't a subject I'm very familiar with. I suggested a few alternatives to spandex for superhero uniforms and wondered about the merits of short capes versus long capes, and primary colors versus the basic black. But they thought I was making fun of them."
"Were you?"
Kurt shook his head. "I take fashion very seriously. I thought at least Blaine understood that."
Adam looked down at himself, at his simple clothes and the sneakers he wore practically every day, and deflated a little. "I hadn't realized that when you first asked me out," he admitted. "And when I did, I couldn't understand why you had asked me out at all."
"Well..." Kurt shrugged, smiling coyly. "I didn't ask your clothes out, did I?"
"You did ask them off eventually."
"Adam!"
"Sorry, sorry, sorry." The older man didn't appear all that apologetic, though. "Some cues are just too hard to resist."
Kurt made a valiant effort to look affronted, but couldn't help a smile as he saw Adam's eyebrows arching and twisting over his playful eyes. "I'm trying to tell you a story, Mr. Crawford. Stop distracting me."
Adam pretended to zip his mouth shut.
"Anyway," Kurt continued. "When they logged off, Blaine started telling me about some of the things he and Sam had been up to recently. Duets they sang, Glee Club stuff, Student Counsel stuff, their superheroes club stuff, and lots of other stuff, all of them involving lots and lots of Sam being really amazing and funny and epic."
"Were they ever an item?"
"You know what? I don't even know. As far as I know, Sam's straight. Some of our mutual friends have heavily hinted about some sort of threesome involving Sam, Blaine and Phil Collins, but god only knows what that's supposed to mean, and Blaine insists he and Sam are just 'best bros'. And that's why, I assume, he's allowed to gush nonstop about Sam while I can't even mention your name: because you and I actually dated."
"But it bothered you," said Adam matter-of-factly. "His gushing about Sam."
"It did, but... not for the reasons you're thinking. I wasn't jealous, I was... confused. Because he kept talking about Sam like I didn't know him. Like he had just met this really great guy who became his best friend, so he was listing all his good attributes to convince me of how awesome Sam is. Except I know Sam. I knew Sam before Blaine did. I've known Sam since before I knew Blaine! There's also the tiny detail of Sam living in my house. We shared a bathroom for nine months. And he was always forgetting to lock the door, so twice I walked on him coming out of the shower. So, yeah, I know Sam. I've already seen him naked!" Kurt shook his head in exasperation. "And the way Blaine was singing Sam's praises to me sounded so weird and ludicrous that I just blurted that out, just like that."
"What do you mean? Blurted what out?"
"I told Blaine, 'I saw Sam naked.'"
"Wow."
"I know, I don't know what came over me. I guess my brain wasn't entirely awake yet."
"And how did Blaine react?"
"That's the oddest part. When I realized what I had said, I braced myself for, I don't know, some accusation that I had cheated on him."
"But...?"
"But instead he got this dreamy look in his face and said, 'My god, isn't he gorgeous? I don't know why he has so many body issues. I told him time and again he's the sexiest man I've ever seen.'"
Adam gasped. "He did not."
Kurt shrugged. "He was just talking about the times they showered together in the locker room."
"Okay, but..."
"And I've always known Blaine doesn't find me particularly sexy."
Adam's eyes widened in shocked disbelief.
"It's complicated, okay?" said Kurt defensively. "To this day, I'm not sure what he's ever seen in me."
"Three words, Kurt," said Adam, raising his hand to count them off his fingers. "Young. Paul. Newman."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you are the only one who's ever seen that in me."
"I seriously doubt that. You and Blaine were together for over a year, weren't you? Why would you even think he didn't find you attractive?"
"I don't know. It's just... we were best friends first, we were together all the time, and he knew I was interested in him, but he had made it clear he only wanted to be friends. And that's all we were, despite all my attempts to make it more. But then our choir's mascot canary died. And I was the one in charge of his care, so I was really upset and sang Blackbird as a eulogy to him. Please don't laugh."
"Why would I laugh?" murmured Adam gently.
"And just like that, Blaine had some sort of epiphany and we started dating. That's pretty much what he said: that when he saw me sing that song, he realized he had been looking for me forever. It was definitely not the first time he heard me sing, so I don't really know what about me singing to a dead canary suddenly made me attractive before his eyes."
"Maybe you let your vulnerability show?" suggested Adam. "That was what captivated Tibideaux, after all."
"Maybe," Kurt conceded. "But I'm not sure I like the idea that he only realized my appeal when I was sad and crying."
"But you were not sad and crying during all the time you spent together, were you?"
"No. Then again, for the next eight months, well, we'd make out and all, but he didn't seem particularly eager to go beyond that, you know? He kept talking about waiting for the right time..."
"That's good."
"...and the merits of masturbation."
Adam's lips twitched, but he said nothing.
"And then one day, he changed his tune. He started talking about being adventurous, and experiencing life... and instead of using words like 'adorable' and 'interesting' to describe me, he told me I was 'hot'." Kurt frowned. "Actually, no, he said my fantasy about having relations with Taylor Lautner on a dewy meadow of lilac was hot, so I'm not sure how much of a heat factor I was in that scenario."
"Wolf boy's got nothing on you."
Kurt nudged Adam with his elbow, a little smile lighting up his face for just a moment before disappearing again. "I didn't think much of it then. I mean, about the timing. But looking back now, I can't help wondering if it was just a coincidence that this change of tune came right after he met Sebastian."
"The guy Blaine was too friendly with?"
Kurt nodded. "One night Sebastian took us to a gay bar, and Blaine got drunk and spent most of the night dancing with him, until I got sick of it and physically dragged Blaine to dance with me. And when we were leaving, Blaine suddenly decided he and I should have our first time in the back of the car, right there in the parking lot."
"So much for waiting for the right time," Adam muttered.
"So I yelled at him, and he yelled at me, and we didn't talk to each other until the following night. Then we patched things up and... we went to his house."
Adam's gaze lowered to the floor, his eyebrows knitted together.
"I don't think he was thinking of Sebastian when we did it," said Kurt. "But I sometimes wonder if maybe he was... I don't know."
"Sublimating?" suggested Adam.
"I don't know," Kurt repeated. "At the time, it all seemed so magical. But after all we went through... and after this last weekend... I just really don't know anymore."
"Something else happened this weekend? Or was Blaine's comment about Sam's gorgeous body the final straw for you?"
Kurt snorted. "Nah. My camel's back was starting to bend, but it was far from breaking. Besides, I didn't even have time to react, because Santana woke up and got pissed at Blaine for eating her cereal."
"Oh, my. Poor, poor Blaine."
The two men exchanged a devilish grin.
(Click HERE to continue)