ramblings
First a work in progress....
Untitled
Give me some black
so I can wear it
cause these feelings
are just more than words
more than expression
so maybe a color
will show my mourning
for something i've lost
but can still see
for someone who's here
but not the same
to show that breathing
isn't the same as living
because when you've come back
from almost dying
somehow there's got to be more
somehow you have to start over
rather than jumping back in
to your death wish
I just wonder how much time it takes to be certain. How much time becomes too much time, too long to be ok. When does time become a waste? When do you draw the line and say" ok, we've gone far enough along with you dragging your heels in the sand ... figure it out!" Because it's so hard for me to take it in stride, to take it as it's his issue and not mine. Because I wonder how to take it all. Do I take it as a compliment that he's unwaveringly sure, that he isn't jumping to any conclusions without absolute certainty? Or, do I take it like my heart tells me? Which is that I'm too good a person for someone not to be absolutly sure about where this is going, to love me with all their heart and soul. Sure I'm emotional and I have hidden high expectations but I love without question and without fail and I just don't want to push someone into forever.
I've dropped the bomb. I've laid what I want out on the table. And now the game is out of my hands for the time being. All this time I've been waiting for the perfect moment to say it, to ask him to move forward. But now I'm waiting not for my own courage but for his answer.
I don't want to rush him. I don't want him to be with me or move forward if he's not ready. But it has just come to the point where it's enough already. I don't want to get married tomorrow or even next week but I want to know that he wants to ... at some point in the future. And I don't think it's too much to ask. Or it shouldn't.
I can convince myself of the logic all I want but I know that if and when he tells me he doesn't want to live together it will crush me. I don't want to invest 2,3,4 or more years of my life on someone who will eventually walk away. I don't want to end up alone. And him telling me that he's not ready, for whatever reason, to take the next step will indicate that he's not sure. I don't know why it's so important to me, why I want him to be "the one" because as J has said himself ... every relationship ends but one.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's scary to not be the one in power. To know that you love someone with all your heart and soul and that they love you too... but to not know how much. I mean I love my laptop ... but I wont want to spend forever with it(her). Eventually something better and newer will come out or she will break and that will be the end of my love in the present tense. But how much love does it take to make what you feel right now last forever?
I've seen forever turn into nothing more than yesterdays.
I've seen love wither and melt away.
I will give anything for that not to be me.
For me not to have my parents jaded love.
For forever to last till my dying breath
I would give anything ....
Untitled
Give me some black
so I can wear it
cause these feelings
are just more than words
more than expression
so maybe a color
will show my mourning
for something i've lost
but can still see
for someone who's here
but not the same
to show that breathing
isn't the same as living
because when you've come back
from almost dying
somehow there's got to be more
somehow you have to start over
rather than jumping back in
to your death wish
I just wonder how much time it takes to be certain. How much time becomes too much time, too long to be ok. When does time become a waste? When do you draw the line and say" ok, we've gone far enough along with you dragging your heels in the sand ... figure it out!" Because it's so hard for me to take it in stride, to take it as it's his issue and not mine. Because I wonder how to take it all. Do I take it as a compliment that he's unwaveringly sure, that he isn't jumping to any conclusions without absolute certainty? Or, do I take it like my heart tells me? Which is that I'm too good a person for someone not to be absolutly sure about where this is going, to love me with all their heart and soul. Sure I'm emotional and I have hidden high expectations but I love without question and without fail and I just don't want to push someone into forever.
I've dropped the bomb. I've laid what I want out on the table. And now the game is out of my hands for the time being. All this time I've been waiting for the perfect moment to say it, to ask him to move forward. But now I'm waiting not for my own courage but for his answer.
I don't want to rush him. I don't want him to be with me or move forward if he's not ready. But it has just come to the point where it's enough already. I don't want to get married tomorrow or even next week but I want to know that he wants to ... at some point in the future. And I don't think it's too much to ask. Or it shouldn't.
I can convince myself of the logic all I want but I know that if and when he tells me he doesn't want to live together it will crush me. I don't want to invest 2,3,4 or more years of my life on someone who will eventually walk away. I don't want to end up alone. And him telling me that he's not ready, for whatever reason, to take the next step will indicate that he's not sure. I don't know why it's so important to me, why I want him to be "the one" because as J has said himself ... every relationship ends but one.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's scary to not be the one in power. To know that you love someone with all your heart and soul and that they love you too... but to not know how much. I mean I love my laptop ... but I wont want to spend forever with it(her). Eventually something better and newer will come out or she will break and that will be the end of my love in the present tense. But how much love does it take to make what you feel right now last forever?
I've seen forever turn into nothing more than yesterdays.
I've seen love wither and melt away.
I will give anything for that not to be me.
For me not to have my parents jaded love.
For forever to last till my dying breath
I would give anything ....