you know what?
I'm starting to get really fed up with some shit in my life.
If you tell me you're not the type of person who tells everyone about their personal shit, even if you ARE my best friend, I'll deal with it, because I can't change you to be how I want you to be. But DON'T go telling people you only know online about your personal life. How can you call me your best friend when I don't know you? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE. And then I hear people say these things, and I think about it, and I've lost respect for you.
If you can't trust me, FINE. I told you I'm trying. But there's no reason for me to try to get you to trust me, when your trust is SO hard to gain; when you trust people you know online more than you trust me. I can only give so much before YOU need to give a little, and I'm not seeing it happen.
We were supposed to spend so much time together this summer, wife. What the hell happened to that? And don't put all the blame on me. I'm so sick of people acting like it's my fault for everything. You need to give to get. If I need to ask to be invited, that's just not cool. And why do you sometimes make it seem like Steven and Jesse (or a number of other people) are more important to you than I am? I don't care if you hang out with them more than you hang out with me because they're Chad's friends/they bowl with you/whatever the fuck. I am your best friend, last time I checked, so start treating me like your best friend, not just a friend you call 'wifey.' That doesn't qualify me as your best friend.
I hate Chad, Mara. I know I've told you before but I don't think you quite got it. I would hate it so much if you married him, I've been thinking about that lately. I hate how you spend every moment with him, I hate hanging out with him, I hate him. I hate your relationship, I hate how you love him, I hate it. I hate how you keep secrets from me because you're with him. I'm not jealous of it, because that's the first thing that's going to come to someone's mind when they hear me saying all this. I am not jealous of you being with Chad. Maybe jealous that you have a boyfriend who you love so much you'll sacrifice me for him (because that is how I see our friendship sometimes), while I have no one. Not even you anymore.
I've thought about asking you to pick between me or him, just like I did when you first started dating, but in all honesty, you'd pick him over me.
I'm going to show you this entry next time you come online. I don't want you to IM me when you're done reading it. I want you to read it over and over until it makes you cry like it makes me cry. Then I want you to stop reading, but play it over and over in your mind. I want you to go to bed thinking about it, and I want you to really, honestly think about it. Don't have an opinion, because I'm not being selfish. This isn't my opinion. These are my feelings about my friendship with you. This is not going to turn into you dragging me down like our last fight because I'm fed up with crying and thinking everything's wrong with me, and everything's my fault because it's not. This is all on you this time. Don't retort with some arguement about how it's my fault you don't trust me. I know you don't. I've already cried about it. And you know my feelings on it. Don't bring it up.
Don't say it's hard for you to trust people, because it's not as you've demonstrated online. Don't keep things from me just so you'll go behind my back and tell people you know online. Don't pretend I'm so important to you and then not act like I am. Actions speak louder than words.
I want to scream this all at you. Maybe then it'd hit home. Because everytime I tell you how much it hurts me when you don't tell me things, you put up a front. You don't let it effect you. You almost act as if you can do no wrong, as if this is all my fault.
Someone said to me not to ruin our friendship over this because it isn't 'massive.' It is. But nonetheless, I feel like I'm the only one holding us together. And it's not me who's ruining it.
It's you.
If you tell me you're not the type of person who tells everyone about their personal shit, even if you ARE my best friend, I'll deal with it, because I can't change you to be how I want you to be. But DON'T go telling people you only know online about your personal life. How can you call me your best friend when I don't know you? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE. And then I hear people say these things, and I think about it, and I've lost respect for you.
If you can't trust me, FINE. I told you I'm trying. But there's no reason for me to try to get you to trust me, when your trust is SO hard to gain; when you trust people you know online more than you trust me. I can only give so much before YOU need to give a little, and I'm not seeing it happen.
We were supposed to spend so much time together this summer, wife. What the hell happened to that? And don't put all the blame on me. I'm so sick of people acting like it's my fault for everything. You need to give to get. If I need to ask to be invited, that's just not cool. And why do you sometimes make it seem like Steven and Jesse (or a number of other people) are more important to you than I am? I don't care if you hang out with them more than you hang out with me because they're Chad's friends/they bowl with you/whatever the fuck. I am your best friend, last time I checked, so start treating me like your best friend, not just a friend you call 'wifey.' That doesn't qualify me as your best friend.
I hate Chad, Mara. I know I've told you before but I don't think you quite got it. I would hate it so much if you married him, I've been thinking about that lately. I hate how you spend every moment with him, I hate hanging out with him, I hate him. I hate your relationship, I hate how you love him, I hate it. I hate how you keep secrets from me because you're with him. I'm not jealous of it, because that's the first thing that's going to come to someone's mind when they hear me saying all this. I am not jealous of you being with Chad. Maybe jealous that you have a boyfriend who you love so much you'll sacrifice me for him (because that is how I see our friendship sometimes), while I have no one. Not even you anymore.
I've thought about asking you to pick between me or him, just like I did when you first started dating, but in all honesty, you'd pick him over me.
I'm going to show you this entry next time you come online. I don't want you to IM me when you're done reading it. I want you to read it over and over until it makes you cry like it makes me cry. Then I want you to stop reading, but play it over and over in your mind. I want you to go to bed thinking about it, and I want you to really, honestly think about it. Don't have an opinion, because I'm not being selfish. This isn't my opinion. These are my feelings about my friendship with you. This is not going to turn into you dragging me down like our last fight because I'm fed up with crying and thinking everything's wrong with me, and everything's my fault because it's not. This is all on you this time. Don't retort with some arguement about how it's my fault you don't trust me. I know you don't. I've already cried about it. And you know my feelings on it. Don't bring it up.
Don't say it's hard for you to trust people, because it's not as you've demonstrated online. Don't keep things from me just so you'll go behind my back and tell people you know online. Don't pretend I'm so important to you and then not act like I am. Actions speak louder than words.
I want to scream this all at you. Maybe then it'd hit home. Because everytime I tell you how much it hurts me when you don't tell me things, you put up a front. You don't let it effect you. You almost act as if you can do no wrong, as if this is all my fault.
Someone said to me not to ruin our friendship over this because it isn't 'massive.' It is. But nonetheless, I feel like I'm the only one holding us together. And it's not me who's ruining it.
It's you.