FEELINGS ESCAPE NOTICE
Bitching about the 'stupid-shit' keeps the devastating feelings at bay.
I'm aware I'm doing just that, it's easier to bitch about the concrete then talk about feelings. Course it's not that feeling isn't happening, it's just over 'there.' Over in the fog where I/we are spending hours trying to stay out of, grounded, focused and sans it's grip. If there wasn't the kid we'd prolly have crawled into that fog and not come out. Each day is about putting one foot in front of the other.
The right foot is colorful, gimpy and painful but it's up and moving in an air cast. Pain in the ankle and neck is grounding in and of itself, reminds us we're in the here and now. It would be so easy to be/get lost in the heart pain, to roll into a ball and let it consume all of us.
There's no doing that tho, least wise not for any real time, the kid needs his Mom in the present. Then there's Terri, who deserves to have a partner in all this grief. She's in her own turmoil, trying to deal with work and her own issues of grief around being a 'step parent.' M was a huge part of her life as a parent, they had a deep bond, with each other. Terri learned she could be a parent in her relationship with M, it's like having that ripped away cuz she wasn't M's 'real' parent. (Yet another stupid thing.)
I think about M and it's as tho a hand touches the back of my neck, it's the past colliding with the present and the feelings fade. It's a trigger, training gone amuck. I know the feelings are there, but I'm not sure how to access or feel them. It's like the disconnect between the legs and our brain. Not paralyzed, just not right. We can pull them up short and know the feelings are there, like we know the legs are there. It's not numb exactly, just out of reach. I don't think I turned them off, maybe down so low that it's hard to feel myself.
Today with the Doc: she and J-Doc had their 'chat,' "they both talked they both listened," well okay, a detail or two would be nice. What the Doc gave me, they "both felt I did have 'feelings' around Morgan's death, that they both could hear/see them." This was not what I had thought their 'chat' would be about. Somehow I'm thinking there was more discussed, but the Doc wasn't elaborating further, so I will have to speak to J-Doc. Sometime after the 9th, she's apparently went off on vacation.
For today's session, there was no bitch, I wasn't even in the mood to hear myself.
Ravin
I'm aware I'm doing just that, it's easier to bitch about the concrete then talk about feelings. Course it's not that feeling isn't happening, it's just over 'there.' Over in the fog where I/we are spending hours trying to stay out of, grounded, focused and sans it's grip. If there wasn't the kid we'd prolly have crawled into that fog and not come out. Each day is about putting one foot in front of the other.
The right foot is colorful, gimpy and painful but it's up and moving in an air cast. Pain in the ankle and neck is grounding in and of itself, reminds us we're in the here and now. It would be so easy to be/get lost in the heart pain, to roll into a ball and let it consume all of us.
There's no doing that tho, least wise not for any real time, the kid needs his Mom in the present. Then there's Terri, who deserves to have a partner in all this grief. She's in her own turmoil, trying to deal with work and her own issues of grief around being a 'step parent.' M was a huge part of her life as a parent, they had a deep bond, with each other. Terri learned she could be a parent in her relationship with M, it's like having that ripped away cuz she wasn't M's 'real' parent. (Yet another stupid thing.)
I think about M and it's as tho a hand touches the back of my neck, it's the past colliding with the present and the feelings fade. It's a trigger, training gone amuck. I know the feelings are there, but I'm not sure how to access or feel them. It's like the disconnect between the legs and our brain. Not paralyzed, just not right. We can pull them up short and know the feelings are there, like we know the legs are there. It's not numb exactly, just out of reach. I don't think I turned them off, maybe down so low that it's hard to feel myself.
Today with the Doc: she and J-Doc had their 'chat,' "they both talked they both listened," well okay, a detail or two would be nice. What the Doc gave me, they "both felt I did have 'feelings' around Morgan's death, that they both could hear/see them." This was not what I had thought their 'chat' would be about. Somehow I'm thinking there was more discussed, but the Doc wasn't elaborating further, so I will have to speak to J-Doc. Sometime after the 9th, she's apparently went off on vacation.
For today's session, there was no bitch, I wasn't even in the mood to hear myself.
Ravin