confession
I've had a lot of time to think about my past, the things I've experienced, and the horrors I've endured.
I am proud to say that I am 20 years old, and I am thrilled to say that I plan to live a very long life. I am also proud to say that my life has been quite chaotic, and I only hope that the next 20 years are as eventful as the last. Yes, it's true that a lot of my problems have been self-created, and I acknowledge my part in my pain. I have forgiven myself and forgiven my enemies, and it pains me that I have to call anyone my enemy.
Like I've said and like I'll always say - All I've ever done is try to help people. This doesn't justify the fact that a lot of my attempts to help have also had secret motives aswell.
You know... Jesse and Joe are fucking cruel. Jesse called for my help with his demon, and I did help him. One, I helped burden the load of the demon's influence, and I also found the proper practioner's who got rid of the fucking thing... I HELPED FIND THEM! Maybe I didn't actually get rid of it, but without me he would have never gone to Cheryl and asked for the help! Now, after all the bullshit that went on with that ( and believe me, there was a BUNCH of bullshit) they turn around and thank me by going to my fucking SWORN-enemy (A guy who threatened to make my life absolutely miserable!) and devulging information! I forgive the both of them, but I revoke all my love and energies because my pain, and the trouble I went through to help them BOTH (The demon wanted to influence Joe) was nearly unbearable... I will never and can never pull myself to not dislike them... I love them as human-beings and I hope they both find light, love, and happiness... but as people, they fucking disgust me! They served the largest dose of betrayal I have ever been forced to take in my life... Fuck them both... but may they go in peace. I pray that in time I truly can forgive them in my heart and soul... because in my mind they are already forgiven but I still feel a lot of angst towards them. I pity them for the negative karma they've created for themselves... because the current situation truly had nothing to do with them. .... All I wanted was for Jesse to be in-love with me the way I loved him, so I put my own health (Mental, physical, and spiritual) by trying to remove his "Demon" he claimed he had... Whether it was real or not, my belief in it made it real enough for me.
I am defensive by nature, and because of that you have to prove yourself to me as someone I can trust. Until you've proven yourself trustworthy, I will not, and can not trust you with information about my life. So, when I feel vulnerable (nine times out of ten this is the reason I become defensive) I tend to twist the truth, and by doing so enable myself to not feel so "vulnerable"... It's not a flattering quality of mine, by far it is one of my worst. ... I'll be honest, I used to lie a lot. I used to tell people that I had lost my virginity when in fact, I have not. I've engaged in oral sex about six times in my entire life... Other than that, I am a virgin. ... I've lied and said that I had lost my virginity in my early teens... Brandon and I only engaged in oral sex a couple times... I also lied about dreams I had, messages I had recieved from Divinity, and just everyday happenings... These were attempts to get attention... I have no problem admitting that now. ... I can't lie (anymore), I like being liked, and I enjoy getting postive attention. I hate for anyone to think badly of me, so I used to change my personality from person to person or situation to situation... I tried my hardest to blend in anywhere I went so that people would like me... Well not anymore, and not for the past several months. I've been myself, and I will continue to be myself...
I'm sorry I've lied about stupid, petty bullshit... I'm sorry that I fell inlove with some guy named Michael, but I also know this - YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOU FALL IN-LOVE WITH, IT JUST HAPPENS.
A lot of people hate me now, and the majority of my friends, the people who used to call me, the people who used to hang out with, and the people who know pretty much nothing deep down personal about me (except for my past) ... They've all betrayed me, my trust, and my love.
These people who thought they understood me but actually had no clear understanding of who I truly am on the inside... They've all come to the conclusion that I'm some weird, twisted little psycho or sick, dark, and evil person... If anyone in this world actually knows me, they know that I am in no way evil... They know that I love every single living cell and atom of this Earth... They know that when I say I care, I truly care... They know when I say that I will help them, that I will try my best to help them in anyway possible... That I will put their happiness and health before my own to help them... Remember, these are the people I called "friends", not just random strangers I don't know if I can trust.
Turns out the only demons in my life were not within me, but embodied as people who claimed to be witches. People who claimed to understand that "THINGS CHANGE!" and all you can do is go with the flow, not fight against the currents. People who claimed they were friends of mine, who would "support my every action", but turn around and tried to devulge personal information about me to help someone destory my life. My friends HELPED my foe... I only call him my foe because he was the first to say and/or threaten me; "I will make sure the two of you are never together, and I will make your life is fucking miserable." ... How dare they ever called themselves my friends and then have the balls to turn around and betray me... I apparently lied to them about how I was feeling and what was happening within me for a reason... I apparently understood that one day they would be my enemies. ... I'm living in a city of villans... I don't know who I can trust and I can't trust.
I feel in-love with a guy and within months of falling in-love with him my entire tower has fallen down (Look up them meaning of the Tarot card "The Tower") It sucks because I've lost the majority of my friends, only one remains faithful and trusting (One of the only ones I was actually honest with), but I still find it hard to accept. Me and Michael aren't even speaking anymore, WE CAN'T! I don't know where the fuck he is, all I know is he called and told me that he had to leave town because of his Ex (the guy who is my SWORN-enemy, and the one who threatened to make my life miserable) and that I should probably just move on without him because he thinks the only thing that we would ever have together would be chaos...
Well great... Now I'm stuck here, without my love, and without my friends... How wonderful.
Evil? I'm sorry... Evil is the direct and honest attempt to cause any type of pain and/or suffering... Evil is not stopping and very self-destructive relationship, is not falling in-love, and is not forgiving.
Michael's Ex should move on, he has won his battle with me... I have no friends, I have no love, and I feel weak and defeated... Congratulations you psychopath, you got what you were after... I am miserable.
...
One rule I learned about pain... Suffering brings with it many lessons. I've had my share of pain, and I see the lessons I was meant to learn...
This will not destroy me, and it will not kill me... This can only and will only make me stronger.
I may be in pain, but I'm in life for the lang-haul - You can't keep me down that long.
I can move on without my friends, because at the end of the day I know that all my actions have been for the good of all and that all things are as they should be. Everything happens for a reason, and I am now able to move on with my life without the constant drama of my enemies...
I forgive them all, and I wish them many bright blessings in their paths. I hope that one day, when their darkness washes away, that they too forgive me for this misguided visions of reality... I never wanted to hurt anyone and I can't believe that anyone could ever day that I am a malicious person... I have commited evil, but my evil was always self-inflicted, I never turned it outwardly and it will be a cold day in hell when I would release the monster within upon my enemies... I have a darkness, a very strong and very powerful darkness with the potential to be very very evil... However, my light and love are stronger and my will-power stronger yet, so I will never release any negativity into the universe because I know it will only come back on me tenfold...
I am serious about my faith, in nothing else, "an in it ye' harm none"
Blessed Be so Be so Blessed
Shade
P.S. This journal is still being deleted on the 26th... I am only posting entries as a way to tell the truth and get the burden off my chest. I am still, at this moment in time, very emotional. I am not, however, going to lie down and be beaten... I can and will fight back should I have to, but I will remain one of the Light.
To Father and Mother: I will to will thy will!
I am proud to say that I am 20 years old, and I am thrilled to say that I plan to live a very long life. I am also proud to say that my life has been quite chaotic, and I only hope that the next 20 years are as eventful as the last. Yes, it's true that a lot of my problems have been self-created, and I acknowledge my part in my pain. I have forgiven myself and forgiven my enemies, and it pains me that I have to call anyone my enemy.
Like I've said and like I'll always say - All I've ever done is try to help people. This doesn't justify the fact that a lot of my attempts to help have also had secret motives aswell.
You know... Jesse and Joe are fucking cruel. Jesse called for my help with his demon, and I did help him. One, I helped burden the load of the demon's influence, and I also found the proper practioner's who got rid of the fucking thing... I HELPED FIND THEM! Maybe I didn't actually get rid of it, but without me he would have never gone to Cheryl and asked for the help! Now, after all the bullshit that went on with that ( and believe me, there was a BUNCH of bullshit) they turn around and thank me by going to my fucking SWORN-enemy (A guy who threatened to make my life absolutely miserable!) and devulging information! I forgive the both of them, but I revoke all my love and energies because my pain, and the trouble I went through to help them BOTH (The demon wanted to influence Joe) was nearly unbearable... I will never and can never pull myself to not dislike them... I love them as human-beings and I hope they both find light, love, and happiness... but as people, they fucking disgust me! They served the largest dose of betrayal I have ever been forced to take in my life... Fuck them both... but may they go in peace. I pray that in time I truly can forgive them in my heart and soul... because in my mind they are already forgiven but I still feel a lot of angst towards them. I pity them for the negative karma they've created for themselves... because the current situation truly had nothing to do with them. .... All I wanted was for Jesse to be in-love with me the way I loved him, so I put my own health (Mental, physical, and spiritual) by trying to remove his "Demon" he claimed he had... Whether it was real or not, my belief in it made it real enough for me.
I am defensive by nature, and because of that you have to prove yourself to me as someone I can trust. Until you've proven yourself trustworthy, I will not, and can not trust you with information about my life. So, when I feel vulnerable (nine times out of ten this is the reason I become defensive) I tend to twist the truth, and by doing so enable myself to not feel so "vulnerable"... It's not a flattering quality of mine, by far it is one of my worst. ... I'll be honest, I used to lie a lot. I used to tell people that I had lost my virginity when in fact, I have not. I've engaged in oral sex about six times in my entire life... Other than that, I am a virgin. ... I've lied and said that I had lost my virginity in my early teens... Brandon and I only engaged in oral sex a couple times... I also lied about dreams I had, messages I had recieved from Divinity, and just everyday happenings... These were attempts to get attention... I have no problem admitting that now. ... I can't lie (anymore), I like being liked, and I enjoy getting postive attention. I hate for anyone to think badly of me, so I used to change my personality from person to person or situation to situation... I tried my hardest to blend in anywhere I went so that people would like me... Well not anymore, and not for the past several months. I've been myself, and I will continue to be myself...
I'm sorry I've lied about stupid, petty bullshit... I'm sorry that I fell inlove with some guy named Michael, but I also know this - YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOU FALL IN-LOVE WITH, IT JUST HAPPENS.
A lot of people hate me now, and the majority of my friends, the people who used to call me, the people who used to hang out with, and the people who know pretty much nothing deep down personal about me (except for my past) ... They've all betrayed me, my trust, and my love.
These people who thought they understood me but actually had no clear understanding of who I truly am on the inside... They've all come to the conclusion that I'm some weird, twisted little psycho or sick, dark, and evil person... If anyone in this world actually knows me, they know that I am in no way evil... They know that I love every single living cell and atom of this Earth... They know that when I say I care, I truly care... They know when I say that I will help them, that I will try my best to help them in anyway possible... That I will put their happiness and health before my own to help them... Remember, these are the people I called "friends", not just random strangers I don't know if I can trust.
Turns out the only demons in my life were not within me, but embodied as people who claimed to be witches. People who claimed to understand that "THINGS CHANGE!" and all you can do is go with the flow, not fight against the currents. People who claimed they were friends of mine, who would "support my every action", but turn around and tried to devulge personal information about me to help someone destory my life. My friends HELPED my foe... I only call him my foe because he was the first to say and/or threaten me; "I will make sure the two of you are never together, and I will make your life is fucking miserable." ... How dare they ever called themselves my friends and then have the balls to turn around and betray me... I apparently lied to them about how I was feeling and what was happening within me for a reason... I apparently understood that one day they would be my enemies. ... I'm living in a city of villans... I don't know who I can trust and I can't trust.
I feel in-love with a guy and within months of falling in-love with him my entire tower has fallen down (Look up them meaning of the Tarot card "The Tower") It sucks because I've lost the majority of my friends, only one remains faithful and trusting (One of the only ones I was actually honest with), but I still find it hard to accept. Me and Michael aren't even speaking anymore, WE CAN'T! I don't know where the fuck he is, all I know is he called and told me that he had to leave town because of his Ex (the guy who is my SWORN-enemy, and the one who threatened to make my life miserable) and that I should probably just move on without him because he thinks the only thing that we would ever have together would be chaos...
Well great... Now I'm stuck here, without my love, and without my friends... How wonderful.
Evil? I'm sorry... Evil is the direct and honest attempt to cause any type of pain and/or suffering... Evil is not stopping and very self-destructive relationship, is not falling in-love, and is not forgiving.
Michael's Ex should move on, he has won his battle with me... I have no friends, I have no love, and I feel weak and defeated... Congratulations you psychopath, you got what you were after... I am miserable.
...
One rule I learned about pain... Suffering brings with it many lessons. I've had my share of pain, and I see the lessons I was meant to learn...
This will not destroy me, and it will not kill me... This can only and will only make me stronger.
I may be in pain, but I'm in life for the lang-haul - You can't keep me down that long.
I can move on without my friends, because at the end of the day I know that all my actions have been for the good of all and that all things are as they should be. Everything happens for a reason, and I am now able to move on with my life without the constant drama of my enemies...
I forgive them all, and I wish them many bright blessings in their paths. I hope that one day, when their darkness washes away, that they too forgive me for this misguided visions of reality... I never wanted to hurt anyone and I can't believe that anyone could ever day that I am a malicious person... I have commited evil, but my evil was always self-inflicted, I never turned it outwardly and it will be a cold day in hell when I would release the monster within upon my enemies... I have a darkness, a very strong and very powerful darkness with the potential to be very very evil... However, my light and love are stronger and my will-power stronger yet, so I will never release any negativity into the universe because I know it will only come back on me tenfold...
I am serious about my faith, in nothing else, "an in it ye' harm none"
Blessed Be so Be so Blessed
Shade
P.S. This journal is still being deleted on the 26th... I am only posting entries as a way to tell the truth and get the burden off my chest. I am still, at this moment in time, very emotional. I am not, however, going to lie down and be beaten... I can and will fight back should I have to, but I will remain one of the Light.
To Father and Mother: I will to will thy will!