(no subject)
If I am silent then I am not real
But if I speak up then no one will hear
If I wear a mask theres somewhere to hide
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins
If I raise my voice will someone get hurt
And if I cant feel then I wont get touched
If no truths are spoken then no lies can hide
Silence is golden
Nobody gets in
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins
Did you hear me speak
Do you understand
Did you hear my voice
Will you hold my hand
Do you understand me
Wont someone listen
Nobody gets in
My bodys a temple
But nothing is simple
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Something was stolen
Safe in my own skin
Last night was really fun and this morning was a continuation with pancakes...
Then Megan took me home (thank you thank you thank you) and my mother was on her way out to meet my dad for food...
So I hoped into her car, drove with her, paid for their lunches and spilled everything Ive been keeping inside my head for thirteen years.
Yes folks, I finally told my parents everything. My father apparently knew less than I thought he did and while my mother and I cried together, he just sort of got angry for a second before realizing that he was just making it worse... and then he was actually helpful. The problem with trauma therapy is that theyll either want to put me on something that might mess with my sleep even more, or theyll want to treat only one aspect of it... and its the whole thing together.
It pisses me off that in terms of psychology, the years we are really developing into who we might become happen between birth and about six or seven.
These are the years that fucking SUCKED for me and I do not want them to affect the rest of my life, other than giving me something to grow from.
Oh well. At least now I no longer have to hide anymore.
-edit-
I was asked to actually say what the fuck I told them... So...
The reason I never told them before was because whenever I tried to theyd make me feel really crazy. Id try to tell them about Anna and Mom would literally look right at me and say "No, dont be silly. That never happened" because she wanted to stay in denial and that meant it was okay to keep getting touched and hit. Thats not fucking fair.
The painkiller thing was like that too. Id say I was still having pain... So I kept taking more (which was a separate problem) but rather than taking me to another doctor or at the very least keeping me from over dosing again, they decided it would be a good idea to hand me their prescription pain killers. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??? They meant well, yes. I know my parents love me. But fuck they should never have had children.
I was born so my parents would have something to talk to when Anna was awful to them. The fact that I had been deaf was helpful because then I would literally just sit there and smile and nod having never learned any sign language or any other way to communicate until it was really far too difficult and too late for me to start. In my head, I still sound the way I did when I was deaf.
I told them about my ex, and what actually happened with Anna. We figured out that I lumped two things together. The porn incident when I was seven and she was fifteen, and the other incident when I was ten and she was eighteen. Fucking piece of shit. My mother and father, while Im finally pouring my heart out in an attempt to just get everything OUT still did what they had done when I was a kid. My mother started off with "No, that couldnt have happened..." and my father gave a long winded speech about how Im not the only one thats suffered and that they have suffered because of Anna too... and I know thats true. I realize. ...but they were in their late thirties, early forties and had the ability to run and speak or fight back. I was seven with disabled legs and had been deaf for too long. So... Fuck you.
With the ex, it was a matter of my Mother saying, "But, you wanted to be alone with him the week before that..." Uh, YEAH to have a nice dinner. A nice dinner is not the same thing as losing my virginity. Sorry, but no.
*sigh*
BUT! I have now made and effort and they now know everything... kinda. Close enough. :) So... fine.