hm
so its like practically 8am
I got up, was bored, and decided to watch CLERKS: THE ANIMATED SERIES
not as fun as I remembered it, but whatever.
Anyway, yesterday I was in a pissy mood, cause I guess it's been raining a while and I haven't seen the sun in what feels like, 2 weeks [because its probably been 2 weeks] I sleep on my days off, like honest to god 10-16 hour sleeping sprees... And when I work, I'm in artificial light that gives me a bit of a head rush, and when I go home its dark, so, that always sucks. And my gay boy got hit by a car, landed in a puddle, and got flipped off and told off. *double deuce* Though, he says hes fine just his knee hurts and he's going to the clinic tomorrow. So I feel slightly bad for being like FUCKER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME TO TANGOS, HOW AM I EVER GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH A DRUNK GIRL AT A BAR I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR IF YOU DONT TAKE MY CODEPENDANT ASS TO TORONTO?! And he's like, sorry I got hit by a car. And I was like, I am an ass. But seriously. My dad yesterday [day before now] SAW ME GET TOLD OFF AT WORK! And he's like, no wonder you hate the customer service sector I'd have told the bitch to FUCK OFF...she centered you out...thats not a healthy environment!!! I'm like, it had crossed my mind...but, I figure she's trying to teach me how to do it properly... He's like, you looked unphased though... I'm like, yeah apathy does that. He's like, whats apathy, like jaded? I'm like, yeah. He's like, juh juh jaaaydaaad I'm like, heh. aerosmith.
That was like a 3 second bonding. And I bought a norton antivirus [with my own money bitches, no free ride for me...unless you count the ride I dont pay for] so now my computer wont explode or die <3 Though, I dont talk to anyone anyway, howzdat for irony folks.
anyway, so I had a thought, its like...
philosophical but not [I'm actually waiting til around 9am so I can have a shower and do laundry and not waste my saturday off, I just don't want my dad to be all like, RAAR I'M SLEEPING RUNNING WATER, WHY GOD WHY... Cause he does that sometimes but usually its more like 4am, and he works at 6 or something.
Anyway, my thought is how like, truth, honesty, fact, and reality are not definitively the same things, because I was so scarred emotionally because I thought someone had lied [and decided the rest of my life from that point on would be a liiie..] or something? anyway, just because you say something, that will never happen, doesn't mean if you had the means you wouldn't have the intention to do so, and that doesn't make it someone lying to you and leading you on and ruining your selfesteem or whatever, right? So, I was totally pissed off for not NO reason, but for a reason that isn't exactly valid... if it was all said in the best of intentions.
I just hate people once in a while, THOUGH, being on cash as much as it drains the life practically right out of me, I don't swear as much [though I do still swear but there's a control there now] And, I have to be POLITE when it feels like I have a needle in my eye, when someone makes me call 3 departments because a price is off by 11 cents. No. Seriously. 11 cents. I wanted to give her 20 cents from my pocket just to get the line moving, if she'd promise to never do that again. lol. people.
Anyway, yeah. um. I just, was trying to figure out if something is like, fallacy if they believe it. I mean, just because the other party doesn't catch on that its an idle promise, doesn't mean it wasn't something they wanted or would enjoy, it just means yeah its not going to happen but its a nice thought. This is why I suck as a person, because if someone asked me anything I'd be like, hmmmmm...20 years from now I could be dead or anything! I could be living on a jetson-esque colony on the moon even... so, yeah, if in whatever length of time, things are good for me, I will so go to your non existent son's graduation party, hell I'll even bring the fanciest cake you've ever seen.
But I wouldn't just say, yes. Bah. I just... I wish people wouldn't get me excited. As one of the few people who got close to me, once said,
kate...I love you cept you're like the world's biggest 5 year old... "can I have cookies and juice for breakfast?" who says that, 1-you should know BETTER than to have juice and cookies, can't you have eggs and toast like everyone else? I'm having eggs, this is why in 10 mins you'll be hungry or asking for some of my toast! 2-why the fuck are you asking me?! why the fuck would you ask ANYONE, you're an adult, if you want to snort coke off a hooker for breakfast, then do it and stop hypothosizing about it...
^^ true story.
but yeah I think, that just because people don't know enough to stop my naive over active imagination that believes people when they say something [and I ask if they're serious] that well, people shouldn't let me believe anything. Like cmon... "one day we should -whatever-" "yeah we should." "i'd like that." "me too. we so should. youre serious, right?" "yeah." Shouldnt end in... SO YEAH UH NO. and me being like BUT YOU SAID and it being like... let it go it doesnt matter that you care, they dont care, its a game to them, it may be a game they believed at the time, but things changed or things didnt change enough, anyway game over they said [game over they said run and get your quarters in *10 pts for anyone who got that* HINT: best song ever written about ghosts in an arcade <3]
but yeah, game over. it's like, I just wish people wouldnt build me up buttercup dont break my heart or whatever. like, if I have no interest in something, I'll say no. Actually if I have no interest in something but know I'll be somehow forced into it [usually through copious *thanks for the word huggy* whining] well yeah. I dont make offers I have no intention of keeping is all. And it stings...cause, I hate when people go on about integrity, and how great they are, and how ooh the worlds dealt me a shitty hand, no one loves me, no one wants to hang out, but the second I say, hey lets hang out, THEYRE BUSY!!!! /////! WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT!?!?!
Seriously. Beggars cant be choosers [but they can be, I tried to give a homeless guy like $1.70 in pennies and he whipped em down the street! And told me stores dont take em. See what I get for tryin? I get fucked...and not even in a pleasurable way] Hell. POSTAGE STAMPS ARE LEGAL TENDER! If I wanted to buy something I could pay in stamps. The things I learn workin a till. "um..thats not 50 cents, thats a stamp..thats not even a 50 cent off coupon..thats a stamp.. THATS A STAMP!" *page: CAN I PLEASE HAVE A C.S.M. TO REGISTER 5 FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE, THANK YOU* "yeah kate, take the stamp."
What else, so, um...I GUESS I need to be more intune with fantasical little lies. which arent lies if theyre meant at the time. the only thing that seperates the truth of the moment & reality, is well, theyve got the motive but not the means or opportunity, or theyre just being nice maybe which is a bigger fear of mine. I just, am not a fan of being crushed and hurt by people who dont get that as much as I can distance myself and be cold [I can be, but for a while I've been choosing to accept pain over a void of nothingness] I'd rather like try to open myself to failure and rejection and grow as a person, because I dont really enjoy hiding in my room or behind a mask of fake smiles and weed in my pocket, you know? Its like, I'm better than articial joy even if the price is, actual sadness? psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh!
I just get big ideas in my head, when people feed me the ideas, and then I want the ideas, and its not real to them but then its real to me, cept I never know its fake til its too late and then its a slap in the face that costs me more than going along with a silly game ever could
Seriously. No one gets what I mean, and I dont really wanna get into it, but my point is... if youve ever felt like OH HEY WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS! ITLL BE SO FUN! And then its totally bailed on, but not just that but it was so never even a second thought to them... well, it sucks is all.
And, I try to not make fake plans.
The funny thing is, if its a real plan, it goes in my notebook in my room.
[I just scratched my leg raw, because its itchy, and my wrist raw, because its itchy, this is why pants + long sleeves = my friend cause I have like little red marks like old comic books now cept mine are broken blood vessels under the skin *skin and sink are anagrams* dude it burns with itch] anyway though... yeah I write down lame plans. Theyre in a note book and the first page says nothing except "I keep making these to-do lists but nothing gets crossed out" - conor oberst
because well, I love bright eyes and I guess I just want tangible things in my life and things are classy on paper.
I have a little bit written about books I need to read. I have 30 books on there, I've crossed off 12 or so. I have a list of dvds & movies to watch, and names of people beside them, because I'm a loser who wants to watch Sin City with collette.
I dunno. I just get frustrated, its not important, I just, put a lot of postive energy into plans that don't happen, and its a harsh reality to figure that out... and well, I didnt know... so I had a breakdown and well, it had nothing to do with what it seemed like it had to do with, it was the big flashing neon sign of "dude. dont even bother buying travel scrabble, dont even bother looking up bus prices, dont save money to move to hamilton with tom, dont do anything, cause you care about people more than they care about you" and well, I just hate how, when I'm hurt, its never just about what I'm hurt about. Its like everytime I've ever been hurt + everytime I've ever promised myself I was smarter + everytime wishing I was going on a road trip with a friend has literally saved my life when I had a bottle of pills in one hand and a whole fist full of notes I wrote anyone who deserved an explaination in the other, and I think, so I'm here why? So other people can lie to me and make me think I'm special and I can just go to vegas and win big and we'll use the money to buy a car and if we go home with less money than we left with well, we'll go meet some dragqueens in a chorus line and get pics and tell everyone what a great fucking time we had even if we hated every second of it, cause we cant hate it if we've got eachother and good tunes. So its like, wow. people suck and I'm just as bad for believing them. Thats all. I just hate people sometimes because I love them so much thats all. I just wish people loved me back, cause when I say, I WANNA GO HARRASS A LLAMA WITH YOU! I WANNA RENT A LIMO AND TAKE IT THROUGH A MCDONALDS DRIVE THROUGH, I WANNA DRESS UP AND PRETEND WE'RE ROYALTY JUST FOR A NIGHT AND HAVE THE LIMO DRIVER AND WE'LL DRINK SPARKLING CIDER CHAMPAGNE CAUSE ITS EDGE BUT GOD WE'LL DO IT IN STYLE! well I'm fucking serious... I just wish people would be impulsive and fun with me.
Like I learned a long time ago, waiting for life to happen, will never happen, I have to go shake some shit up and call people and meet people and scream about things, get worked up and be like WELL IM NOT TAKIN NO FOR AN ANSWER, IM GOING SHOPPING TODAY! cause well, yeah, I call people and they have lives...or they dont have lives because their life consists about bitching over their lack of life. Cause thats effective. But seriously. I try to make plans, and I'd follow through but people arent into it. I even say, well what would YOU like to do, because I just wanna get out and see you, anything you want MY TREAT. Thats like, fucking bribery for a social life, and no one will even take the bait. So fuck people sometimes.
I dunno. I do laundry and shower and go to the bank today. Grown up stuff.
E D I T:
--also, theres this face recognition that compares you to celebrities.
anyway, I always get blondes and asians...which is odd. I KNOW they dont see colour they see like shape, but... I don't think I have asiany eyes or asiany bone structure... I mean, its cool cause I've got no beef with asians [notice how I jumped right in there to defend blondes lol] but seriously!
And I like when I look like 3 ugly girls, 1 hot as all hell girl who I never heard of, and like 2 hot guys..and an asian guy.. I'm like, cause thats logical.
MAJOR EDIT: SO YEAH, AFTER THAT RANT I FORGOT TO SAY WHAT I MEANT TO SAY!!!
That I don't actually believe the thing that hurt me was intended to hurt me, though I'll never know, and no one will apologize for it, and I don't expect it, but...I get that I wasn't meant to get hurt, but I WAS hurt, but I get that it just happens sometimes, where people say stuff. And, I get that now. It wasn't meant to shake up my sad little universe...and I realized can't be mad at someone who doesn't know why I was mad, and let them think I was upset over something else. Because thats stupid and why I cant have a decent convo with my father.
Also: My mom showed me like 5 gray hairs that she didn't have a week ago, and they're from her thinking I'm gay and her brother having cancer. I'm slowly killing my mom and I believe that. I really really believe that.
I got up, was bored, and decided to watch CLERKS: THE ANIMATED SERIES
not as fun as I remembered it, but whatever.
Anyway, yesterday I was in a pissy mood, cause I guess it's been raining a while and I haven't seen the sun in what feels like, 2 weeks [because its probably been 2 weeks] I sleep on my days off, like honest to god 10-16 hour sleeping sprees... And when I work, I'm in artificial light that gives me a bit of a head rush, and when I go home its dark, so, that always sucks. And my gay boy got hit by a car, landed in a puddle, and got flipped off and told off. *double deuce* Though, he says hes fine just his knee hurts and he's going to the clinic tomorrow. So I feel slightly bad for being like FUCKER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME TO TANGOS, HOW AM I EVER GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH A DRUNK GIRL AT A BAR I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR IF YOU DONT TAKE MY CODEPENDANT ASS TO TORONTO?! And he's like, sorry I got hit by a car. And I was like, I am an ass. But seriously. My dad yesterday [day before now] SAW ME GET TOLD OFF AT WORK! And he's like, no wonder you hate the customer service sector I'd have told the bitch to FUCK OFF...she centered you out...thats not a healthy environment!!! I'm like, it had crossed my mind...but, I figure she's trying to teach me how to do it properly... He's like, you looked unphased though... I'm like, yeah apathy does that. He's like, whats apathy, like jaded? I'm like, yeah. He's like, juh juh jaaaydaaad I'm like, heh. aerosmith.
That was like a 3 second bonding. And I bought a norton antivirus [with my own money bitches, no free ride for me...unless you count the ride I dont pay for] so now my computer wont explode or die <3 Though, I dont talk to anyone anyway, howzdat for irony folks.
anyway, so I had a thought, its like...
philosophical but not [I'm actually waiting til around 9am so I can have a shower and do laundry and not waste my saturday off, I just don't want my dad to be all like, RAAR I'M SLEEPING RUNNING WATER, WHY GOD WHY... Cause he does that sometimes but usually its more like 4am, and he works at 6 or something.
Anyway, my thought is how like, truth, honesty, fact, and reality are not definitively the same things, because I was so scarred emotionally because I thought someone had lied [and decided the rest of my life from that point on would be a liiie..] or something? anyway, just because you say something, that will never happen, doesn't mean if you had the means you wouldn't have the intention to do so, and that doesn't make it someone lying to you and leading you on and ruining your selfesteem or whatever, right? So, I was totally pissed off for not NO reason, but for a reason that isn't exactly valid... if it was all said in the best of intentions.
I just hate people once in a while, THOUGH, being on cash as much as it drains the life practically right out of me, I don't swear as much [though I do still swear but there's a control there now] And, I have to be POLITE when it feels like I have a needle in my eye, when someone makes me call 3 departments because a price is off by 11 cents. No. Seriously. 11 cents. I wanted to give her 20 cents from my pocket just to get the line moving, if she'd promise to never do that again. lol. people.
Anyway, yeah. um. I just, was trying to figure out if something is like, fallacy if they believe it. I mean, just because the other party doesn't catch on that its an idle promise, doesn't mean it wasn't something they wanted or would enjoy, it just means yeah its not going to happen but its a nice thought. This is why I suck as a person, because if someone asked me anything I'd be like, hmmmmm...20 years from now I could be dead or anything! I could be living on a jetson-esque colony on the moon even... so, yeah, if in whatever length of time, things are good for me, I will so go to your non existent son's graduation party, hell I'll even bring the fanciest cake you've ever seen.
But I wouldn't just say, yes. Bah. I just... I wish people wouldn't get me excited. As one of the few people who got close to me, once said,
kate...I love you cept you're like the world's biggest 5 year old... "can I have cookies and juice for breakfast?" who says that, 1-you should know BETTER than to have juice and cookies, can't you have eggs and toast like everyone else? I'm having eggs, this is why in 10 mins you'll be hungry or asking for some of my toast! 2-why the fuck are you asking me?! why the fuck would you ask ANYONE, you're an adult, if you want to snort coke off a hooker for breakfast, then do it and stop hypothosizing about it...
^^ true story.
but yeah I think, that just because people don't know enough to stop my naive over active imagination that believes people when they say something [and I ask if they're serious] that well, people shouldn't let me believe anything. Like cmon... "one day we should -whatever-" "yeah we should." "i'd like that." "me too. we so should. youre serious, right?" "yeah." Shouldnt end in... SO YEAH UH NO. and me being like BUT YOU SAID and it being like... let it go it doesnt matter that you care, they dont care, its a game to them, it may be a game they believed at the time, but things changed or things didnt change enough, anyway game over they said [game over they said run and get your quarters in *10 pts for anyone who got that* HINT: best song ever written about ghosts in an arcade <3]
but yeah, game over. it's like, I just wish people wouldnt build me up buttercup dont break my heart or whatever. like, if I have no interest in something, I'll say no. Actually if I have no interest in something but know I'll be somehow forced into it [usually through copious *thanks for the word huggy* whining] well yeah. I dont make offers I have no intention of keeping is all. And it stings...cause, I hate when people go on about integrity, and how great they are, and how ooh the worlds dealt me a shitty hand, no one loves me, no one wants to hang out, but the second I say, hey lets hang out, THEYRE BUSY!!!! /////! WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT!?!?!
Seriously. Beggars cant be choosers [but they can be, I tried to give a homeless guy like $1.70 in pennies and he whipped em down the street! And told me stores dont take em. See what I get for tryin? I get fucked...and not even in a pleasurable way] Hell. POSTAGE STAMPS ARE LEGAL TENDER! If I wanted to buy something I could pay in stamps. The things I learn workin a till. "um..thats not 50 cents, thats a stamp..thats not even a 50 cent off coupon..thats a stamp.. THATS A STAMP!" *page: CAN I PLEASE HAVE A C.S.M. TO REGISTER 5 FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE, THANK YOU* "yeah kate, take the stamp."
What else, so, um...I GUESS I need to be more intune with fantasical little lies. which arent lies if theyre meant at the time. the only thing that seperates the truth of the moment & reality, is well, theyve got the motive but not the means or opportunity, or theyre just being nice maybe which is a bigger fear of mine. I just, am not a fan of being crushed and hurt by people who dont get that as much as I can distance myself and be cold [I can be, but for a while I've been choosing to accept pain over a void of nothingness] I'd rather like try to open myself to failure and rejection and grow as a person, because I dont really enjoy hiding in my room or behind a mask of fake smiles and weed in my pocket, you know? Its like, I'm better than articial joy even if the price is, actual sadness? psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh!
I just get big ideas in my head, when people feed me the ideas, and then I want the ideas, and its not real to them but then its real to me, cept I never know its fake til its too late and then its a slap in the face that costs me more than going along with a silly game ever could
Seriously. No one gets what I mean, and I dont really wanna get into it, but my point is... if youve ever felt like OH HEY WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS! ITLL BE SO FUN! And then its totally bailed on, but not just that but it was so never even a second thought to them... well, it sucks is all.
And, I try to not make fake plans.
The funny thing is, if its a real plan, it goes in my notebook in my room.
[I just scratched my leg raw, because its itchy, and my wrist raw, because its itchy, this is why pants + long sleeves = my friend cause I have like little red marks like old comic books now cept mine are broken blood vessels under the skin *skin and sink are anagrams* dude it burns with itch] anyway though... yeah I write down lame plans. Theyre in a note book and the first page says nothing except "I keep making these to-do lists but nothing gets crossed out" - conor oberst
because well, I love bright eyes and I guess I just want tangible things in my life and things are classy on paper.
I have a little bit written about books I need to read. I have 30 books on there, I've crossed off 12 or so. I have a list of dvds & movies to watch, and names of people beside them, because I'm a loser who wants to watch Sin City with collette.
I dunno. I just get frustrated, its not important, I just, put a lot of postive energy into plans that don't happen, and its a harsh reality to figure that out... and well, I didnt know... so I had a breakdown and well, it had nothing to do with what it seemed like it had to do with, it was the big flashing neon sign of "dude. dont even bother buying travel scrabble, dont even bother looking up bus prices, dont save money to move to hamilton with tom, dont do anything, cause you care about people more than they care about you" and well, I just hate how, when I'm hurt, its never just about what I'm hurt about. Its like everytime I've ever been hurt + everytime I've ever promised myself I was smarter + everytime wishing I was going on a road trip with a friend has literally saved my life when I had a bottle of pills in one hand and a whole fist full of notes I wrote anyone who deserved an explaination in the other, and I think, so I'm here why? So other people can lie to me and make me think I'm special and I can just go to vegas and win big and we'll use the money to buy a car and if we go home with less money than we left with well, we'll go meet some dragqueens in a chorus line and get pics and tell everyone what a great fucking time we had even if we hated every second of it, cause we cant hate it if we've got eachother and good tunes. So its like, wow. people suck and I'm just as bad for believing them. Thats all. I just hate people sometimes because I love them so much thats all. I just wish people loved me back, cause when I say, I WANNA GO HARRASS A LLAMA WITH YOU! I WANNA RENT A LIMO AND TAKE IT THROUGH A MCDONALDS DRIVE THROUGH, I WANNA DRESS UP AND PRETEND WE'RE ROYALTY JUST FOR A NIGHT AND HAVE THE LIMO DRIVER AND WE'LL DRINK SPARKLING CIDER CHAMPAGNE CAUSE ITS EDGE BUT GOD WE'LL DO IT IN STYLE! well I'm fucking serious... I just wish people would be impulsive and fun with me.
Like I learned a long time ago, waiting for life to happen, will never happen, I have to go shake some shit up and call people and meet people and scream about things, get worked up and be like WELL IM NOT TAKIN NO FOR AN ANSWER, IM GOING SHOPPING TODAY! cause well, yeah, I call people and they have lives...or they dont have lives because their life consists about bitching over their lack of life. Cause thats effective. But seriously. I try to make plans, and I'd follow through but people arent into it. I even say, well what would YOU like to do, because I just wanna get out and see you, anything you want MY TREAT. Thats like, fucking bribery for a social life, and no one will even take the bait. So fuck people sometimes.
I dunno. I do laundry and shower and go to the bank today. Grown up stuff.
E D I T:
--also, theres this face recognition that compares you to celebrities.
anyway, I always get blondes and asians...which is odd. I KNOW they dont see colour they see like shape, but... I don't think I have asiany eyes or asiany bone structure... I mean, its cool cause I've got no beef with asians [notice how I jumped right in there to defend blondes lol] but seriously!
And I like when I look like 3 ugly girls, 1 hot as all hell girl who I never heard of, and like 2 hot guys..and an asian guy.. I'm like, cause thats logical.
MAJOR EDIT: SO YEAH, AFTER THAT RANT I FORGOT TO SAY WHAT I MEANT TO SAY!!!
That I don't actually believe the thing that hurt me was intended to hurt me, though I'll never know, and no one will apologize for it, and I don't expect it, but...I get that I wasn't meant to get hurt, but I WAS hurt, but I get that it just happens sometimes, where people say stuff. And, I get that now. It wasn't meant to shake up my sad little universe...and I realized can't be mad at someone who doesn't know why I was mad, and let them think I was upset over something else. Because thats stupid and why I cant have a decent convo with my father.
Also: My mom showed me like 5 gray hairs that she didn't have a week ago, and they're from her thinking I'm gay and her brother having cancer. I'm slowly killing my mom and I believe that. I really really believe that.