(no subject)
This is a blog that I wrote for my Myspace blog, but while the target audience is obviously different, the essense of the blog is unchanged, and so I decided to just copy and paste. It's just about some of the lessons I have learned over the past year or so, and how I plan to implement them in the future... since for once in my life I actually see a proper future for myself. When I refer to the good thing that came out of all the chaos, I am referring to M, since without all those experiences, meeting him may well have never occured, or may have done so under less perfect circumstances.
Oh, and off the topic of this blog, I found a song that pretty much describes the way I feel to near perfection.
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I've had a most interesting year, and while it's not over yet, I still cannot help but look back on my decisions that have led up to this point in my life. I always saw myself as a fairly good decision maker, but events of the past year have really shaken my faith in my ability to make good decisions. I've made some pretty significant blunders, that if I had been less fortunate in my family connections, would have cost me a great deal, and likely would have put an end to all my aspirations.
I'm trying to see how I fooled myself into believing certain lies I told myself, how I effectively pulled the wool over my own eyes. It's moments like that where I willingly believe delusion because of some weakness or perceived need that scare me. It reduced my trust in myself a great deal. I made terribly mistakes, and betrayed myself and my values a number of times in an attempt to find peace and a semblance of stability, and yet none came until very recently, and that only because of a number of fortuitous events and choices I made to extricate myself from my predicament.
This is not to say I did not gain something from these mistakes... I learned a great deal about others, about myself, and about life as a whole, but the lessons came at a price that still pains a great deal.
I should not be too melancholy though, for these same mistakes and lessons did in a way lead up to the current feeling of stability I have. If it where not for these events, perhaps I would never have found the solace I have now, but all the same I cannot look back and see the events as being positive. I see too many times when I could have changed the course of events to follow a more positive route, and I see too many signs that I willingly ignored in order to continue pursuing delusion, that my confidence is still shaken. It's going to be a slow process gaining it back, because I must look into myself and determine the nature of my self deception and root it out. Burn it out. Because if I ignore the mistakes I made, it will only lead to problems in the future, which I cannot afford.
No more mistakes.
The one good thing that resulted from these events is perhaps the most important, because it gives the strength to face the multitude of negative results. If I did not have that pillar to lean on, I would despair completely. It is for this that I must face them and learn and grow, so that I can return the service in kind.
I'm facing the future with caution that I did not have before, analyzing everything that comes to me for some sign of self deception, for any sign that something is wrong or if it will lead me down a path I do not wish to go. At the same time my interests and drive has become more focused on what is necessary with less interruption by that which is superfluous.
Everything has its place and I categorize it according it that place. Friends, family, beliefs, needs, desires, everything has its place. That which is of little or no consequence to my ultimate goals are being purged. I no long desire to carry around the desires and needs and hopes of the superfluous individuals that infest my life and drag me down, because I have more important needs to attend to, more important people and pursuits.
So, in short, I'm not going to worry about you if you are not a part of this future I am creating. You can tag along if you like, but I am no longer worried about stepping on your toes or worrying about you. I will worry about what I deem to be necessary and support that as tirelessly as I can. Those people and those ideas, they are to what I devote my life to insofar as I am able. For once in my life I possess the stability to make a proper decision for the future, and I do not plan on screwing that up. I am happier and more pleased with myself and my future than I have ever been, and I'm not letting anything pull be down any more.
Oh, and off the topic of this blog, I found a song that pretty much describes the way I feel to near perfection.
Click to view----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've had a most interesting year, and while it's not over yet, I still cannot help but look back on my decisions that have led up to this point in my life. I always saw myself as a fairly good decision maker, but events of the past year have really shaken my faith in my ability to make good decisions. I've made some pretty significant blunders, that if I had been less fortunate in my family connections, would have cost me a great deal, and likely would have put an end to all my aspirations.
I'm trying to see how I fooled myself into believing certain lies I told myself, how I effectively pulled the wool over my own eyes. It's moments like that where I willingly believe delusion because of some weakness or perceived need that scare me. It reduced my trust in myself a great deal. I made terribly mistakes, and betrayed myself and my values a number of times in an attempt to find peace and a semblance of stability, and yet none came until very recently, and that only because of a number of fortuitous events and choices I made to extricate myself from my predicament.
This is not to say I did not gain something from these mistakes... I learned a great deal about others, about myself, and about life as a whole, but the lessons came at a price that still pains a great deal.
I should not be too melancholy though, for these same mistakes and lessons did in a way lead up to the current feeling of stability I have. If it where not for these events, perhaps I would never have found the solace I have now, but all the same I cannot look back and see the events as being positive. I see too many times when I could have changed the course of events to follow a more positive route, and I see too many signs that I willingly ignored in order to continue pursuing delusion, that my confidence is still shaken. It's going to be a slow process gaining it back, because I must look into myself and determine the nature of my self deception and root it out. Burn it out. Because if I ignore the mistakes I made, it will only lead to problems in the future, which I cannot afford.
No more mistakes.
The one good thing that resulted from these events is perhaps the most important, because it gives the strength to face the multitude of negative results. If I did not have that pillar to lean on, I would despair completely. It is for this that I must face them and learn and grow, so that I can return the service in kind.
I'm facing the future with caution that I did not have before, analyzing everything that comes to me for some sign of self deception, for any sign that something is wrong or if it will lead me down a path I do not wish to go. At the same time my interests and drive has become more focused on what is necessary with less interruption by that which is superfluous.
Everything has its place and I categorize it according it that place. Friends, family, beliefs, needs, desires, everything has its place. That which is of little or no consequence to my ultimate goals are being purged. I no long desire to carry around the desires and needs and hopes of the superfluous individuals that infest my life and drag me down, because I have more important needs to attend to, more important people and pursuits.
So, in short, I'm not going to worry about you if you are not a part of this future I am creating. You can tag along if you like, but I am no longer worried about stepping on your toes or worrying about you. I will worry about what I deem to be necessary and support that as tirelessly as I can. Those people and those ideas, they are to what I devote my life to insofar as I am able. For once in my life I possess the stability to make a proper decision for the future, and I do not plan on screwing that up. I am happier and more pleased with myself and my future than I have ever been, and I'm not letting anything pull be down any more.