The Strangers and the Lovers
I think I allowed myself to believe things with Keith were more than they really were. That's not to say that I didn't like him and have strong feelings for him. However, I was beginning to compare my feelings for him with my feelings for Zack and now I realize how completely different the two situations are. In fact, they are quite opposite.
Things with Zack started out as complete lust. From the first moment I saw Zack, I thought he was hands-down, the hottest guy I had ever laid eyes on. Then, we started to form a friendship and really get to know eachother inside and out, the good and the bad. He took my hand and pulled me into his chaotic, sometimes terrifying world, but I loved every minute.
Keith and I were friends before anything else. We were friends for an entire year before we started to get "romantic" (and I use this term extremely loosely here). Though I considered us friends, we were more say-hi-when-we-see-eachother-around friends, not the have-long-intimate-conversations-about-life friends. Then after a year, we started to have those lustful feelings that I had right away with Zack. I guess you could say that sexually, Keith and I were more intimate than Zack and I were. Not only that, but Keith and I were "together" (also used very loosely here) longer than Zack and I were.
While I had/have strong feelings for both guys, I find that it is unrealistic to say that I feel as strongly about Keith as I did/do about Zack. This is true for two main reasons:
1.) Though I was with Keith for a longer period of time, we never broke through any intellectual, emotional boundaries. He never brought me into his world. It took a month and a half of us being together before he even knew surface-level things about me. We didn't talk about anything important, we just had drunken discussions about our (hollow) feelings for eachother and the (stupid) side-hookups we were having with other people. It was a togetherness based on nothing. No substance. Within two weeks of knowing Zack, I could tell you all about his family situation, his favorite songs (and in-depth explanations as to why they were his favorite songs), among other things. Within a month of Zack and I being together, he allowed me to hold him while he broke down in tears. With Keith, I didn't even know his major until a month and a half into things.
2.) On sexual matters, I never really complained about Keith. He was the best kisser I've ever kissed, that's for sure. Other sexual things we did together were always pretty good too, although nothing compared to the stories I had heard from my friends. I wondered if it was just my sexual-anxiety over what happened to me last Halloween that stood in the way of me enjoying myself, but now, comparing it to my experiences with Zack, I think it is more than that. When I was with Zack, everything was different. I felt nervous and kind of scared, but he quickly took away my fears. He was gentle and loving. He tried so hard to make me happy and it wasn't what he was doing, but that desire to please me that pleased me the most. When I think back to my nights with Zack, I get a warm, tender feeling. One night in particular reminds of something you would see in the movies or read about in books that is just the most perfect series of events that two people in the throes of romance can experience. When I think of my times with Keith, I can say that I was happy most of the time, but it never felt perfect. It never felt tender.
I think I allowed myself to take too seriously all the nights Keith and I spent making out on the couches in his frat house, or the nights he walked me back to my room holding my hand the whole way, or the way he would let me wear his jacket when I was cold, or the way he held me so closely so that we were always touching in some way as we slept beside eachother. All of that was great and sweet and romantic, but he couldn't do the most important thing, the thing I needed most: he couldn't let me in to his world.
In essence, Keith and I were two strangers who forced our bodies together and tried to make it work.
Whereas Zack and I were two lovers whose bodies melted into one another and created a beautiful harmony.
I swear one day soon my entries won't be so consumed with Keith. I'm still trying to work through all of the confusion and all of the feelings that I have been experiencing since our "break up," not to mention I'm still trying to work out in my mind and heart the way things were when we were together. I'm beginning the cleansing process so that I can get him out of my system and move on.
Notice the difference in these two pictures. Zack and I on the left, Keith and I on the right. (please excuse how gross/drunk I look in both haha)
