(no subject)
It's not that nothing has happened in my life since I last updated.
It's that sometimes I think someone cares, and I confide in them.
Only to realized I was completely wrong, again. They might care, they might even understand. But their advice won't change anything. You can't make yourself feel a certain way. It simply happens and you deal with the consequences.
So what is my current predicament?
I did the same exact thing to my now ex-boyfriend, Mike, that Rob was doing to me all last semester.
Leading him on, making him think I cared more than I really do. Not on purpose, of course. I am not by nature a particularly mean person. Honest and straightforward, yes. But never cruel to where I make someone else cry.
I have learned that life has the cruelest ways of really knocking you down when you think you have finally conquered a little bit. I was finally feeling over Rob. For once I wasn't always needing to talk to him. I still missed his company, but I was okay with only talking every once and a while. Now that we're back at school, and I know he's around. I do want to hang out. He's a person whose presence makes me feel really good. He has an odd way of making me very happy without much effort. So why is it that I feel myself getting attached again?
It just doesn't make any sense, and I wish to God that I could stop myself from caring, but I just can't.
I'm in love with someone who doesn't have the ability or desire to love me back because it was never meant to be. I keep holding out hope, and I don't know why.
I wish I had the answers as to why my heart seems to be malfunctioning lately.
I would rather be alone, then be with someone else who can't even compare to the way I feel/felt about Rob.
It's disgustingly unfair of me, to want more than I will probably never find in someone again.
I do believe each person is a unique personality. And sure, maybe there is more than one personality in the world with whom one is compatible.
But my heart keeps saying that it feels way beyond compatibility. It's burning and it's alive. And it wants something it will never have.
Does this sound like obsession? I don't think I've ever been sure of anything in my life like I am right now.
I'm not obsessed. I'm inflicted with a terrible predicament which makes me fall for someone repeatedly and despite all my efforts otherwise...who I will never ever be able to win over.
I can barely win his friendship, because I always screw things up.
My heart is in my throat and I felt the need last night to tell him my feelings. I was talked to for a little bit, but it was made clear how he feels and where he stands. He let go of me to go entertain his friends. The people he loves and wants to be around.
I am not one of those included.
And I've never felt so heart broken in my entire life.
Will anything get better if he's not around? What I failed to mention before is that we stopped talking for about a month over the summer.
But I never for one moment forgot or stopped thinking about him.
So when can I forget and let go?
I'm pretty sure caring about someone to this degree does not simply go away.
And I can't use someone else to make me happy in the interim.
I'm destined to be lonely for a long time, I think.
And even if I do get my heart back and working properly again...
How long will it be until I meet someone who does the same thing?
It's a depressing thought. To fix my life only to have someone screw it up again.
I could see why some people become reclusive.
I could go for some of that right now.
It's that sometimes I think someone cares, and I confide in them.
Only to realized I was completely wrong, again. They might care, they might even understand. But their advice won't change anything. You can't make yourself feel a certain way. It simply happens and you deal with the consequences.
So what is my current predicament?
I did the same exact thing to my now ex-boyfriend, Mike, that Rob was doing to me all last semester.
Leading him on, making him think I cared more than I really do. Not on purpose, of course. I am not by nature a particularly mean person. Honest and straightforward, yes. But never cruel to where I make someone else cry.
I have learned that life has the cruelest ways of really knocking you down when you think you have finally conquered a little bit. I was finally feeling over Rob. For once I wasn't always needing to talk to him. I still missed his company, but I was okay with only talking every once and a while. Now that we're back at school, and I know he's around. I do want to hang out. He's a person whose presence makes me feel really good. He has an odd way of making me very happy without much effort. So why is it that I feel myself getting attached again?
It just doesn't make any sense, and I wish to God that I could stop myself from caring, but I just can't.
I'm in love with someone who doesn't have the ability or desire to love me back because it was never meant to be. I keep holding out hope, and I don't know why.
I wish I had the answers as to why my heart seems to be malfunctioning lately.
I would rather be alone, then be with someone else who can't even compare to the way I feel/felt about Rob.
It's disgustingly unfair of me, to want more than I will probably never find in someone again.
I do believe each person is a unique personality. And sure, maybe there is more than one personality in the world with whom one is compatible.
But my heart keeps saying that it feels way beyond compatibility. It's burning and it's alive. And it wants something it will never have.
Does this sound like obsession? I don't think I've ever been sure of anything in my life like I am right now.
I'm not obsessed. I'm inflicted with a terrible predicament which makes me fall for someone repeatedly and despite all my efforts otherwise...who I will never ever be able to win over.
I can barely win his friendship, because I always screw things up.
My heart is in my throat and I felt the need last night to tell him my feelings. I was talked to for a little bit, but it was made clear how he feels and where he stands. He let go of me to go entertain his friends. The people he loves and wants to be around.
I am not one of those included.
And I've never felt so heart broken in my entire life.
Will anything get better if he's not around? What I failed to mention before is that we stopped talking for about a month over the summer.
But I never for one moment forgot or stopped thinking about him.
So when can I forget and let go?
I'm pretty sure caring about someone to this degree does not simply go away.
And I can't use someone else to make me happy in the interim.
I'm destined to be lonely for a long time, I think.
And even if I do get my heart back and working properly again...
How long will it be until I meet someone who does the same thing?
It's a depressing thought. To fix my life only to have someone screw it up again.
I could see why some people become reclusive.
I could go for some of that right now.