(no subject)
I sit and think about all the shit thats gone on, and all the shit thats happened to me. Words just pour out of my fingertips as I type about the biggest bunch of bullshit in the world. I cant explain why all of this crap happeneds to me, nor can I find the reasons. I question everything around me, and drive myself insane with my thoughts, when all I want to do is be calm, be normal, not worry about shit, and live the life I was given.
2005 has by far been the worst year of my life, but I cant write it off for good, its taught me a lot. Its taught me that people are way too immersed in themselves to actually give one little fuck about you, and that no matter what you do, you cant change anyone. Its taught me that no matter how hard you work, shit can and usually will not end up the way you want it to end up. I cant bring myself to beleive in destiny because I cant understand that my life is in someone elses hands, that soemone else has control of how things end up, I refuse to beleive and accept that. But you cant....you question yourself.....because you know that there is no absolute truths in life....and nothing is what it seems!
While sitting in jail looking at a drunk blabber shit to himself across the room while the crackhead next to you is convulsing and puking all over the floor, you ask yourself is this where im meant to be, is this what god meant for me, have I not done everything right, who have I fucked over bad enough to deserve this? The judge nor the prosecuting attorney dont even look at you, youre just another name, albeit a unique one, youre just another name, another 6 grand for them to use on city upgrades and to pat their stats so that they can get re-elected later. How do I prove to them that Im not, that I actually stand for something, that I have a reason for everything that I do, and that I have good intentions! I hear stories of kids just being let go, and their lives going on without any problems, yet I had to go through what I went through, even though I made it to my destination no problem. Fuck!
Why does my ex-girlfriend keep doing what she does? Not only am I subject to away messages and journal entries of how incredibly happy she is and how fucking awesome her life is right now, but then im called immature for not wanting to be her friend. Yea, Im happy for her, I really am, but get the fuck out of my life. I did my part, I dont call her, nor do I txt her or IM her, why cant she just do the same, its not too much to ask for. I realize I am not Brian, nor was I half or a quarter or even a fucking slither as good to her as he is. It took me that much just realize that, and you know what, im fine with that. And then she has the audacity and the intestinal fortitude to ask me to be her best friend. To hear about her and her problems, and to stay up long nights talking about them, and give her advice on what she should and shouldnt do based on the enormous amounts of sensless fucking babble that have gone through my ear at that point. WELL FUCK THAT! I take a shit on her, and her fucking problems. Oh and as for that immaturity thing, she can take it, along w/ her supposed happiness right now, turn it sideways, frontways, backways and longways and shove it straight up any fucking orifice she feels like, AND STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THINKING THAT IM GONNA COME AND GET YOU, CAUSE EVEN IF I WAS NEXT DOOR TO WHERE YOU WERE, I WOULD'NT EVEN FUCKING BUDGE. Oh and as for that satisfaction you have that I still think about you sometimes, get over it, cause I can guarantee you that they are'nt good thoughts, and never will be, youre dead to me!
Why is it that I cant meet one normal person in my life. I guess its too much to expect some people to understand when someone puts their trust in you that you have an obligation to that person. You have an obligation not to fuck up on certain things that could potentially affect them and their lives. Is that hard to understand, I mean, is it really too much to expect that of one person. I should've known better, you cant teach a 5 year old new tricks because they dont want to learn them. That same 5 year old cant find enough of a reason to make themselves better and listen to other people that want to make them be better, because after all they are 5 years old. Fuck me for even thinking that was possible in her little pea brain. Damn its so hard to find a good girl these days!
That brings up another issue, trust. Am I the only one that has balls to actually trust a person, to put my faith in someone. I feel like im always on the run, searching for that one person that can fullfill me, that can appreciate what I have to offer and wont take advantage of it. Am I in a world full of nobodys, people that cant take chances, and even when that chance fails, people that are able to pick themselves up, dust shit off their shoulder and move on. Someone that shows me that I belong here, that im not the only one that can stare truth in the eye and be able to accept it.
I cant begin to explain all the drama that goes on in my head, but WHY CANT IT FUCKING STOP. Damn, I feel like a crazy man, and that bitch nurse keeps shorting me on the crazy pills. I need my fucking crazy pills, cause for all you know, all the shit that I wrote could be true, or my little evil head could be fucking with your mind and laughing at the thoughts im putting in your head. :-D
2005 has by far been the worst year of my life, but I cant write it off for good, its taught me a lot. Its taught me that people are way too immersed in themselves to actually give one little fuck about you, and that no matter what you do, you cant change anyone. Its taught me that no matter how hard you work, shit can and usually will not end up the way you want it to end up. I cant bring myself to beleive in destiny because I cant understand that my life is in someone elses hands, that soemone else has control of how things end up, I refuse to beleive and accept that. But you cant....you question yourself.....because you know that there is no absolute truths in life....and nothing is what it seems!
While sitting in jail looking at a drunk blabber shit to himself across the room while the crackhead next to you is convulsing and puking all over the floor, you ask yourself is this where im meant to be, is this what god meant for me, have I not done everything right, who have I fucked over bad enough to deserve this? The judge nor the prosecuting attorney dont even look at you, youre just another name, albeit a unique one, youre just another name, another 6 grand for them to use on city upgrades and to pat their stats so that they can get re-elected later. How do I prove to them that Im not, that I actually stand for something, that I have a reason for everything that I do, and that I have good intentions! I hear stories of kids just being let go, and their lives going on without any problems, yet I had to go through what I went through, even though I made it to my destination no problem. Fuck!
Why does my ex-girlfriend keep doing what she does? Not only am I subject to away messages and journal entries of how incredibly happy she is and how fucking awesome her life is right now, but then im called immature for not wanting to be her friend. Yea, Im happy for her, I really am, but get the fuck out of my life. I did my part, I dont call her, nor do I txt her or IM her, why cant she just do the same, its not too much to ask for. I realize I am not Brian, nor was I half or a quarter or even a fucking slither as good to her as he is. It took me that much just realize that, and you know what, im fine with that. And then she has the audacity and the intestinal fortitude to ask me to be her best friend. To hear about her and her problems, and to stay up long nights talking about them, and give her advice on what she should and shouldnt do based on the enormous amounts of sensless fucking babble that have gone through my ear at that point. WELL FUCK THAT! I take a shit on her, and her fucking problems. Oh and as for that immaturity thing, she can take it, along w/ her supposed happiness right now, turn it sideways, frontways, backways and longways and shove it straight up any fucking orifice she feels like, AND STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THINKING THAT IM GONNA COME AND GET YOU, CAUSE EVEN IF I WAS NEXT DOOR TO WHERE YOU WERE, I WOULD'NT EVEN FUCKING BUDGE. Oh and as for that satisfaction you have that I still think about you sometimes, get over it, cause I can guarantee you that they are'nt good thoughts, and never will be, youre dead to me!
Why is it that I cant meet one normal person in my life. I guess its too much to expect some people to understand when someone puts their trust in you that you have an obligation to that person. You have an obligation not to fuck up on certain things that could potentially affect them and their lives. Is that hard to understand, I mean, is it really too much to expect that of one person. I should've known better, you cant teach a 5 year old new tricks because they dont want to learn them. That same 5 year old cant find enough of a reason to make themselves better and listen to other people that want to make them be better, because after all they are 5 years old. Fuck me for even thinking that was possible in her little pea brain. Damn its so hard to find a good girl these days!
That brings up another issue, trust. Am I the only one that has balls to actually trust a person, to put my faith in someone. I feel like im always on the run, searching for that one person that can fullfill me, that can appreciate what I have to offer and wont take advantage of it. Am I in a world full of nobodys, people that cant take chances, and even when that chance fails, people that are able to pick themselves up, dust shit off their shoulder and move on. Someone that shows me that I belong here, that im not the only one that can stare truth in the eye and be able to accept it.
I cant begin to explain all the drama that goes on in my head, but WHY CANT IT FUCKING STOP. Damn, I feel like a crazy man, and that bitch nurse keeps shorting me on the crazy pills. I need my fucking crazy pills, cause for all you know, all the shit that I wrote could be true, or my little evil head could be fucking with your mind and laughing at the thoughts im putting in your head. :-D