Much Ado About Nothing?

Sep 18, 2007 07:35

So, I sang in church Sunday, which meant I had to actually go inside the building. I haven't been for ages. Months even. At least before I went to London, I think. But as I walked in, the building did not collapse into a pile of rubble, lightning did not strike me, and no one in the congregation stood up and pointed at me and said "Burn the witch!" (all things I was truly afraid might happen...seriously...).

In fact, it was a nice welcome back. Everyone was really friendly and happy to see me (making me think I was silly for thinking something bad might happen) but truly, that was as far as it went. I listened to the preacher and was mildly insulted by what he had to say (that God would take care of us if we gave our problems up to Him...no thanks, I prefer to be accountable, responsible, and in control), was kind of appalled by the long discussion about money before the sermon, and looked around in wonder as people thanked God for everything that had gone right in the past week (honestly, none of it could have been brought on by your own doing?). But, that said, we did sing a song that really spoke to me. I don't remember the exact words but it talked about the wonder of nature and the awesome power of God, and about how we can't truly understand it, how it's out of our grasp as humans.

This is so close to how I'm coming to believe. This higher power-whatever it is and whatever name we give it- is unfathomable, uncontainable. It shows itself in many different facets: nature, in humanity, in science, in art, in prayer/meditation/ritual, but It shows Itself always in the way we need to be shown.

Throughout my journey, my spiritual awakening as I've been calling it inside my thoughts, I've gone as far as chucking a higher power out the window completely. It was both comforting and disconcerting to realize I didn't need that belief, that I was perfectly fine feeling like there was no one watching over my shoulder and no one to answer to. But still, all through that, I could not fight the feeling that there was something bigger than us, something larger than life, pulling us all together. I don't know what it is, I don't know if I even feel comfortable giving it a name, but I have a feeling it's out there.

In a nutshell, I need to continue my journey a little longer, I need to keep climbing down into the dark depths of my beliefs and bring them to the surface. One thing I am sure of, though, is that I've wasted too much time in the past looking without for the answers when everything- the ultimate authority, the thread of life, the path I need to follow- resides within.

"Now here I was, newly awakened, with my hand stretching out and touching the unknown, the real unknown, the unknown unknown." -D.H. Lawrence

"Despite its pain we carry the conviction that, even though we don't know where we'll end up, we're following a soul path of immense richness, that we're supposed to be on this path, that it's required of us somehow." -Sue Monk Kidd

"I am afraid, Torvald, I do not know exactly what religion is...I know nothing but what the clergyman said. When I am away from this, and am alone, I will look into that matter too. I will see if what the clergyman said is true, or at all events, if it is true for me." --Henrik Ibsen

religion, god, church, spirituality

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