I'm Allright, by Madeleine Peyroux.
I am taking a few moments out of my day to write, because I haven't written in this journal (or my normal, real-life journal) in over three months. I am way overdue to empty the contents of my head, and I think that if I actually tried to hand-write all of it I'd have immediate carpal tunnel. So, here it is.
The last three months have been full of both the hardest moments and some of the best moments of my life to date. I guess graduating college will have that effect on someone. At first I felt so immensely proud of myself, and of all of the work that I've put into the past four years. I felt driven, and excited, and scared, but scared in the best of ways. I was ready to tackle my summer projects with a vengeance, and ready to make a name for myself as Props Master extraordinaire in the Boston theater scene. But in all honesty...I've hated freelancing. I still feel proud, and accomplished, and all of those things, because I did exactly what I set out to do. I obtained the degree that I'd always hoped for, and I had a great time doing just that. But doing this in the real world...sucks. It just sucks. And I'd love to say that it's just because of the companies that I'm working with, but for the most part I'm working with very well-established and well-respected companies that really do have their shit together. Props people just get treated like shit, and the amount of hours, stress, and money that I've put into these productions--my OWN money, in some cases, because every company here is poor as shit--has not been worth it in the long run. The "love of the art" is no longer enough for me. It's just not. It was when I was a teenager, when I was in high school and even for the start of college. The idea of the theater and the art and the creation of all of the above was more important to me than the money. And I'd always promised myself that I would never be that girl, that I would never ever be one of those people who puts business before art. I judged Austin really harshly for doing the same, for putting his obsession with money over his life. But now that I'm trying to do this and make my living with it, I'm miserable. I don't have the time to enjoy any of the things or the people that I love, and I frankly can't even enjoy the "creation" itself because I'm so constantly exhausted by the work and the stress of it all. If I'd wanted a low-paying, high-stress job, I'd have been a teacher. It's become really hard to care about what I'm doing, because I'm sacrificing so much of what I enjoy in order to try to make a living out of this.
In short...I don't have the same "passion" for doing this that some of my peers have. Not enough that I want to starve myself over it, or to live in a cardboard box over it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not a fan of the dreaded desk job...I still want to have some sort of creativity in whatever it is that I end up doing. I just want to be comfortable. I want to make enough money that I can live comfortably, happily, and simply, doing the things that I love on the side. I'd be happy to work overhire for paint calls, and all of that, but I do not want to live off of freelance work anymore. I understand that it might seem like a rash decision to make after only working for 4 companies outside of Emerson, but I'm not a wishy-washy kind of person. I know exactly what I want, and exactly what I don't want, and I know what's best for me. It's been one of the hardest realizations I've had, and not one that I want to rush into any decisions about, but it's something that I just know. I want to make enough money that I CAN paint, and draw, and make books, and travel, and write. I might not want to do those things "professionally," but I can find another job that utilizes all of those skills that will not leave me with extreme physical and mental duress. I know that I can.
I think that the most important thing for me is that I have a job where I can enjoy the rest of my life. People have always been so important to me, and right now I have no time for anyone I care about and it kills me. I couldn't even make it home for Cori's 8th grade graduation this summer, and I didn't get to see any of my friends for weeks before they left Boston in May. I've seen Pat, Phil, and Erica for probably a collective 5 hours this summer. I've seen Katherine...never. I see Brian occasionally, but only because we live together and this is where I sleep. I've seen my parents...twice? Three times? I just don't want to live like that.
I have to say, though...Tim Mahoney has been absolutely the most wonderful person. I've never had anyone be so sweet and understanding, or treat me so well. Ever. Not even Benny and I had anything like this, and Ben treated me like the Queen of...everything. And I've never been so crazy about anybody before. I know that this is coming from the girl that falls fast, and falls hard, and sometimes falls at the drop of a hat...but this is different. This is something really different. I've never said "I love you" and felt the way that I felt when I said it to him. I don't know if I've ever really meant it before now. Or meant it and had it reciprocated like that, maybe. Either way, he's so good to me, and he even makes me feel like I deserve to be treated that way. Just being around him, I immediately relax. And we can spend a day adventuring in his car, exploring the museums, searching for the best chicken fingers and pizza in the Northeast, or just sitting on his couch watching tv, and everything feels completely amazing. I've never been so happy to fall asleep next to somebody in my life. And maybe all of that is sappy and gross, and makes you feel a little bit like vomiting when you read it...but I've never been so happy. I feel so, so lucky these days.
And you know, I'm excited for whatever comes next. I'm excited to live with Brian and Julie, and to start something completely new. I'm excited to take some art classes in the fall, and to maybe start a small business selling all of the crafts I make on the side. I'm excited to be working at the MFA, to do some yoga, to go to Maine in August, and to see my friends. I'm excited for Jim to come back. I'm excited to beat the game of Pokemon I started in May. I'm excited to drink sangria, and to be open for whatever comes my way in September. I'm not even too worried that I don't know what that will be. Just excited.
In short, I'm allright.
The last three months have been full of both the hardest moments and some of the best moments of my life to date. I guess graduating college will have that effect on someone. At first I felt so immensely proud of myself, and of all of the work that I've put into the past four years. I felt driven, and excited, and scared, but scared in the best of ways. I was ready to tackle my summer projects with a vengeance, and ready to make a name for myself as Props Master extraordinaire in the Boston theater scene. But in all honesty...I've hated freelancing. I still feel proud, and accomplished, and all of those things, because I did exactly what I set out to do. I obtained the degree that I'd always hoped for, and I had a great time doing just that. But doing this in the real world...sucks. It just sucks. And I'd love to say that it's just because of the companies that I'm working with, but for the most part I'm working with very well-established and well-respected companies that really do have their shit together. Props people just get treated like shit, and the amount of hours, stress, and money that I've put into these productions--my OWN money, in some cases, because every company here is poor as shit--has not been worth it in the long run. The "love of the art" is no longer enough for me. It's just not. It was when I was a teenager, when I was in high school and even for the start of college. The idea of the theater and the art and the creation of all of the above was more important to me than the money. And I'd always promised myself that I would never be that girl, that I would never ever be one of those people who puts business before art. I judged Austin really harshly for doing the same, for putting his obsession with money over his life. But now that I'm trying to do this and make my living with it, I'm miserable. I don't have the time to enjoy any of the things or the people that I love, and I frankly can't even enjoy the "creation" itself because I'm so constantly exhausted by the work and the stress of it all. If I'd wanted a low-paying, high-stress job, I'd have been a teacher. It's become really hard to care about what I'm doing, because I'm sacrificing so much of what I enjoy in order to try to make a living out of this.
In short...I don't have the same "passion" for doing this that some of my peers have. Not enough that I want to starve myself over it, or to live in a cardboard box over it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not a fan of the dreaded desk job...I still want to have some sort of creativity in whatever it is that I end up doing. I just want to be comfortable. I want to make enough money that I can live comfortably, happily, and simply, doing the things that I love on the side. I'd be happy to work overhire for paint calls, and all of that, but I do not want to live off of freelance work anymore. I understand that it might seem like a rash decision to make after only working for 4 companies outside of Emerson, but I'm not a wishy-washy kind of person. I know exactly what I want, and exactly what I don't want, and I know what's best for me. It's been one of the hardest realizations I've had, and not one that I want to rush into any decisions about, but it's something that I just know. I want to make enough money that I CAN paint, and draw, and make books, and travel, and write. I might not want to do those things "professionally," but I can find another job that utilizes all of those skills that will not leave me with extreme physical and mental duress. I know that I can.
I think that the most important thing for me is that I have a job where I can enjoy the rest of my life. People have always been so important to me, and right now I have no time for anyone I care about and it kills me. I couldn't even make it home for Cori's 8th grade graduation this summer, and I didn't get to see any of my friends for weeks before they left Boston in May. I've seen Pat, Phil, and Erica for probably a collective 5 hours this summer. I've seen Katherine...never. I see Brian occasionally, but only because we live together and this is where I sleep. I've seen my parents...twice? Three times? I just don't want to live like that.
I have to say, though...Tim Mahoney has been absolutely the most wonderful person. I've never had anyone be so sweet and understanding, or treat me so well. Ever. Not even Benny and I had anything like this, and Ben treated me like the Queen of...everything. And I've never been so crazy about anybody before. I know that this is coming from the girl that falls fast, and falls hard, and sometimes falls at the drop of a hat...but this is different. This is something really different. I've never said "I love you" and felt the way that I felt when I said it to him. I don't know if I've ever really meant it before now. Or meant it and had it reciprocated like that, maybe. Either way, he's so good to me, and he even makes me feel like I deserve to be treated that way. Just being around him, I immediately relax. And we can spend a day adventuring in his car, exploring the museums, searching for the best chicken fingers and pizza in the Northeast, or just sitting on his couch watching tv, and everything feels completely amazing. I've never been so happy to fall asleep next to somebody in my life. And maybe all of that is sappy and gross, and makes you feel a little bit like vomiting when you read it...but I've never been so happy. I feel so, so lucky these days.
And you know, I'm excited for whatever comes next. I'm excited to live with Brian and Julie, and to start something completely new. I'm excited to take some art classes in the fall, and to maybe start a small business selling all of the crafts I make on the side. I'm excited to be working at the MFA, to do some yoga, to go to Maine in August, and to see my friends. I'm excited for Jim to come back. I'm excited to beat the game of Pokemon I started in May. I'm excited to drink sangria, and to be open for whatever comes my way in September. I'm not even too worried that I don't know what that will be. Just excited.
In short, I'm allright.