(no subject)
I dont think anyone reads this anymore.
blessing in disguise? who knows who knows
things have changed.
my spelling has gotten better
moods better
emotions controllabe, as if i have amaged to drug my brain
things that no longer come out.
this entry will make no coherant sense beacuse it doesnt need to. its all my feelings and emtions at once. so i can write baout you, me my dreams, these daydreams, your own thouhts, insecurities discoveries.
think of it as an utobiograpy, only less editing
has all my sadness and anger gone into sarcasm? i fear so. my deeps thoughts are marred by namny things, including the OC and american idol (not that i watch the show)
i miss you
not you. the idea of you. your voice makes my heart skip. you will never read this. so i can say it. i can say how much i loved the drunk phone calls, and remeber all of them. how i treasure every msg that was sent and recived, and how you made me realize so much about myself
not gonna lie. i wished that you were here almost everyday after you left. i wished on tuesday before the strokes. i will prob wish again at the amb. ltd concert
but no one knows how deeply you imapced me. should i even put any of this into past tense? jajaja things are so confusing
i like that i have changed. i like me better then the sad teenager i was before. god, i was so lost. i may be lost here, but i feel at home. i feel comfeterble, i feel love, i feel friendship. my lonlyness is no longer a burden. and i love it.
my body, while being a pain, is no longer such a big shame to me.
sometimes i worry about going back. i dont want to but i do. would i turn to her again if i knew what she would do to me? prob. while she is a bitch to live with now, i appriciate things more. a simple meal with a friend.
yes. things have changed
my deepest secret? i really did care for you. i dunno if you did. but I did.
i had a dream once. where we were both lying in my bed, like that night at j's.
talking. and then you looked at me and said "wow"
it was quite the conent dream. drove me crazy of course, beacuse i hate aving meaningful dreams and remeberig them.
but it was special. and i treasure it, just like i treasure the text msg you sent me before ou called me the first time. or how i treasure the memory (fuxxy but there) of our first kiss.
i collect meories didnt i tell you?
that i do.
songs remind me of you. which is sad. beacuse i have nevr really related myfav songs to people. proves to be dangourouse, you lose the person and the song is gone.
and losing music is like losing your soul.
and yet, you might be gone. or not, you might be on a hiatus, but here i am. listening to the one song that reminds me of yo mroe then anything beacuse its our situation. and i can hear it. smile. maybe even giggle.
oh what am i doing to my heart? but it desreves this. a little happiness. even if it is short lived.
i am going to watch the sunrise today. and tommrow. sleep sounds so unappleing. i dont WANt to stop thinking, i want to keep existing, thoerixing living! for every second i lsot in high school, in sleeping,in hiding, i want to live now! i want to go out on the streets smoke a cig, sing dance yell. i can. I can make my own choices now.
i am alive. a breathing moving thinking entinty, which granted doesnt think right most of the time, has more neorisis then woah, and ok a toch of OCD. but i love me.
i love who i am becoming. who i will become.
i laugh everyday now. even if i am sad. i laugh. beaucse i wasted so many years being sad, pretending to be something that i clearly didnt WANT to be.
i like to laugh now beacuse i can. beacuse we waste too many days being sad. burdended.
"you look like you did before, only prettier"
i like to think we change for the best. only we sometimes dont. i need a better life plan i need to find my motivation, which i think is under my bed, next to my dream
dreams
clearly a word that scares more then the shit out of me.
i;m hungry
see? shes back in no time
god bless archit for putting me back together. and then keeping me glued up.
god bless audie for putting up with me, jordan for being there, abi for teaching me its never to late to make really good friends, jill for showing me that its ok to express what i want, the fantastic 4 for motivating me as much as they could. rob, for keeping me alive in chem, ben ben for amusing me, heck BU for showing me me.
even a simple lj entry can turn out to be so speculary postive, it makes me want to retch.
i used to be so bitter! even now, when i can admit that I wouldnt mind having a boyfriend, i can safley say that i am not bitter. people get into relationships and change. i thought i wouldnt be one of THOSE girls but i was. i talked about him to everyone who would listen
how horrible. jajaja, but i loved it. amazing, fidnin gout that someone might want you as much as you want them. someone who doesnt htink i am a nut job! and who wants to get in my pants! jajajaja. see? jill's influence.
i;m not saying everything is ok. she's still here, i am still insecure, scared, unsure.
but i am not afraid of saying it anymore.
wow this is long. no one will ever even get CLOSE to reading this, jaja its so long. maybe me in another year. so i can smile. hopefully by then i will be even better. both mentally and acedemiclly. and maybe i will still be talking to you. who knows. who knows.
~~~~~
now the real question is now what>? i want to see you, do you want to see me?
i feel so lost whenever i think of you, as if i am standing at the edge of the cliff and i dunno if there is anyone there to catch me. i want to work, i cant, its as if something in me doesnt WANT to work. maybe my inner child is coming back. obease of course (she laughes) jajajaja.
i am getting sleepy. which is sad. beacuse i shouldnt be sleepy. i should be LIVING.
i am a walking ball of conry sayings.
blessing in disguise? who knows who knows
things have changed.
my spelling has gotten better
moods better
emotions controllabe, as if i have amaged to drug my brain
things that no longer come out.
this entry will make no coherant sense beacuse it doesnt need to. its all my feelings and emtions at once. so i can write baout you, me my dreams, these daydreams, your own thouhts, insecurities discoveries.
think of it as an utobiograpy, only less editing
has all my sadness and anger gone into sarcasm? i fear so. my deeps thoughts are marred by namny things, including the OC and american idol (not that i watch the show)
i miss you
not you. the idea of you. your voice makes my heart skip. you will never read this. so i can say it. i can say how much i loved the drunk phone calls, and remeber all of them. how i treasure every msg that was sent and recived, and how you made me realize so much about myself
not gonna lie. i wished that you were here almost everyday after you left. i wished on tuesday before the strokes. i will prob wish again at the amb. ltd concert
but no one knows how deeply you imapced me. should i even put any of this into past tense? jajaja things are so confusing
i like that i have changed. i like me better then the sad teenager i was before. god, i was so lost. i may be lost here, but i feel at home. i feel comfeterble, i feel love, i feel friendship. my lonlyness is no longer a burden. and i love it.
my body, while being a pain, is no longer such a big shame to me.
sometimes i worry about going back. i dont want to but i do. would i turn to her again if i knew what she would do to me? prob. while she is a bitch to live with now, i appriciate things more. a simple meal with a friend.
yes. things have changed
my deepest secret? i really did care for you. i dunno if you did. but I did.
i had a dream once. where we were both lying in my bed, like that night at j's.
talking. and then you looked at me and said "wow"
it was quite the conent dream. drove me crazy of course, beacuse i hate aving meaningful dreams and remeberig them.
but it was special. and i treasure it, just like i treasure the text msg you sent me before ou called me the first time. or how i treasure the memory (fuxxy but there) of our first kiss.
i collect meories didnt i tell you?
that i do.
songs remind me of you. which is sad. beacuse i have nevr really related myfav songs to people. proves to be dangourouse, you lose the person and the song is gone.
and losing music is like losing your soul.
and yet, you might be gone. or not, you might be on a hiatus, but here i am. listening to the one song that reminds me of yo mroe then anything beacuse its our situation. and i can hear it. smile. maybe even giggle.
oh what am i doing to my heart? but it desreves this. a little happiness. even if it is short lived.
i am going to watch the sunrise today. and tommrow. sleep sounds so unappleing. i dont WANt to stop thinking, i want to keep existing, thoerixing living! for every second i lsot in high school, in sleeping,in hiding, i want to live now! i want to go out on the streets smoke a cig, sing dance yell. i can. I can make my own choices now.
i am alive. a breathing moving thinking entinty, which granted doesnt think right most of the time, has more neorisis then woah, and ok a toch of OCD. but i love me.
i love who i am becoming. who i will become.
i laugh everyday now. even if i am sad. i laugh. beaucse i wasted so many years being sad, pretending to be something that i clearly didnt WANT to be.
i like to laugh now beacuse i can. beacuse we waste too many days being sad. burdended.
"you look like you did before, only prettier"
i like to think we change for the best. only we sometimes dont. i need a better life plan i need to find my motivation, which i think is under my bed, next to my dream
dreams
clearly a word that scares more then the shit out of me.
i;m hungry
see? shes back in no time
god bless archit for putting me back together. and then keeping me glued up.
god bless audie for putting up with me, jordan for being there, abi for teaching me its never to late to make really good friends, jill for showing me that its ok to express what i want, the fantastic 4 for motivating me as much as they could. rob, for keeping me alive in chem, ben ben for amusing me, heck BU for showing me me.
even a simple lj entry can turn out to be so speculary postive, it makes me want to retch.
i used to be so bitter! even now, when i can admit that I wouldnt mind having a boyfriend, i can safley say that i am not bitter. people get into relationships and change. i thought i wouldnt be one of THOSE girls but i was. i talked about him to everyone who would listen
how horrible. jajaja, but i loved it. amazing, fidnin gout that someone might want you as much as you want them. someone who doesnt htink i am a nut job! and who wants to get in my pants! jajajaja. see? jill's influence.
i;m not saying everything is ok. she's still here, i am still insecure, scared, unsure.
but i am not afraid of saying it anymore.
wow this is long. no one will ever even get CLOSE to reading this, jaja its so long. maybe me in another year. so i can smile. hopefully by then i will be even better. both mentally and acedemiclly. and maybe i will still be talking to you. who knows. who knows.
~~~~~
now the real question is now what>? i want to see you, do you want to see me?
i feel so lost whenever i think of you, as if i am standing at the edge of the cliff and i dunno if there is anyone there to catch me. i want to work, i cant, its as if something in me doesnt WANT to work. maybe my inner child is coming back. obease of course (she laughes) jajajaja.
i am getting sleepy. which is sad. beacuse i shouldnt be sleepy. i should be LIVING.
i am a walking ball of conry sayings.