a little something i wrote a year ago
after my hate infested entry today, i thought for a while.
... i dont know how to write this down, its a whole bunch of emtotions, and colours. (that doesnt make any sense) but i figured i might as well try
If there is such thing as fate, then we're not living. But thats not the point, the point is why are we living?
i know i am living for my futre, but i can saflety recognize that i am afarid of that future.
if it were up to me, i want to learn all my life.
its funny, people always ask WHat?! medecine?! you'll be in school forever?
but when i stop to think about it, whats wrong with staying in school forever?
its a safe, non changing, challangng enviorment. Myabe the reason why i dont thin BEYOND school is beacuse i know i will never get out.
it reminfs me once of when lue aksed me what i wanted to do wheni grew up. and i thought about it really hard, and answered truthfully, i dont think there is a definte furite for me. Its as if i know already, that i will never get past the whole school part of my life.
myabe i'll get married? die? re live? run away? Die?
does it matter?
why is it so important to think about the firtre anyways? linda is always telling us to think about the present, the NOW to enjoy the moment, But how am i sposed to do that, when i have to think about my future carrer, SAT's in a week, collage, summer vacations, and when i have random flashbacks of past times?
... maybe man wasnt made to think this much, and thats why now, in this time, with so many thoeries and so many uncertaties, our brain is forced to focuse only on certain things, and unfourtlunelty, we cant spare memeoty for the now.
... i've wrtten myself into a rut, i'm gonna have to sleep on this.
but this is only part of the enrty. i might as well keep free writing, seeing as its a good distraction to prevent me from studying.
you know, i hate it when bad things happen to good people. random? not really, jordan and quintin.
its not fair. i really would not care less if it were alana and frasisco, i would be simpethetic to clari and victor, hell i might be like ouch to git and isa of that happened to them.
but jordan? she deserves a million times better then anyone else. Not to show favortism, but shes j.
i mean, yes we've all had ups and downs, but at random points of my life, i feel like j has been the one that life has kicked down the most often, taking some sort of sick pleasure from her pain.
i dunno, i hate that fact that the guy that jordan has fallen in love with (and i really think that this is love, unlike some other relaionships) is gone. poof!
... why is it that the people who deserve the best, end up with nothing?
yet those who do nothing end up with the royal treatment? imean what kind of motivation is this to live your life corectly? hell, sometimes i see the way that my sister acts, and i see what she has, and its so hard not to become this materilisitc bitch just like her.
maybe, poeple like j get rewarded in the end... but thats an awafully long time to wait.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
funny. i still feel the same way.
... i dont know how to write this down, its a whole bunch of emtotions, and colours. (that doesnt make any sense) but i figured i might as well try
If there is such thing as fate, then we're not living. But thats not the point, the point is why are we living?
i know i am living for my futre, but i can saflety recognize that i am afarid of that future.
if it were up to me, i want to learn all my life.
its funny, people always ask WHat?! medecine?! you'll be in school forever?
but when i stop to think about it, whats wrong with staying in school forever?
its a safe, non changing, challangng enviorment. Myabe the reason why i dont thin BEYOND school is beacuse i know i will never get out.
it reminfs me once of when lue aksed me what i wanted to do wheni grew up. and i thought about it really hard, and answered truthfully, i dont think there is a definte furite for me. Its as if i know already, that i will never get past the whole school part of my life.
myabe i'll get married? die? re live? run away? Die?
does it matter?
why is it so important to think about the firtre anyways? linda is always telling us to think about the present, the NOW to enjoy the moment, But how am i sposed to do that, when i have to think about my future carrer, SAT's in a week, collage, summer vacations, and when i have random flashbacks of past times?
... maybe man wasnt made to think this much, and thats why now, in this time, with so many thoeries and so many uncertaties, our brain is forced to focuse only on certain things, and unfourtlunelty, we cant spare memeoty for the now.
... i've wrtten myself into a rut, i'm gonna have to sleep on this.
but this is only part of the enrty. i might as well keep free writing, seeing as its a good distraction to prevent me from studying.
you know, i hate it when bad things happen to good people. random? not really, jordan and quintin.
its not fair. i really would not care less if it were alana and frasisco, i would be simpethetic to clari and victor, hell i might be like ouch to git and isa of that happened to them.
but jordan? she deserves a million times better then anyone else. Not to show favortism, but shes j.
i mean, yes we've all had ups and downs, but at random points of my life, i feel like j has been the one that life has kicked down the most often, taking some sort of sick pleasure from her pain.
i dunno, i hate that fact that the guy that jordan has fallen in love with (and i really think that this is love, unlike some other relaionships) is gone. poof!
... why is it that the people who deserve the best, end up with nothing?
yet those who do nothing end up with the royal treatment? imean what kind of motivation is this to live your life corectly? hell, sometimes i see the way that my sister acts, and i see what she has, and its so hard not to become this materilisitc bitch just like her.
maybe, poeple like j get rewarded in the end... but thats an awafully long time to wait.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
funny. i still feel the same way.