(no subject)
Blah...Just feeling discontent lately.
I think the reason I cling to the past so much is because I am, at heart, a drama queen. Somehow being sick and depressed and out of control makes me feel worthwhile, and so if I'm healthy in the present, I constantly dwell on the past. I feel like if I let that go, then I'll really be just humdrum and boring and there will be nothing to make me different from anyone else. It's an illogical argument, granted. I do the same thing with songs, listen to songs that I know will remind me of bad times and make me sad, but I do it anyway.
But anyways...I don't know what's changed for me. This summer, I had such motivation and I loved doing things, and I had the energy and focus to do them, and it was just great. But now, somehow, it's all dissipating. I find myself staying up late crying over crazy thoughts that run through my mind. Find myself not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.
Getting out of IP was like waking from the dead or something. The novelty, the challenge, it kept me going at full speed, pushing through any and all barriers. It hurt, a lot, but I forced myself through it. And besides hurting makes me feel worthwhile so, I guess that made it easier to take care of myself. But now it's worn off. I seem to lack the follow-through, even though I do not want to go back the the disorder, I find myself unfulfilled and scared with the prospect of health.
It's like this never-ending series of days...wake up, complete various tasks, go to sleep, repeat. I get so bored with everyday life, and it gets to the point that I cannot stand it. But I don't know what to do about it. I have not yet found my place in the world, I guess. I just feel like I need to do something different, something wonderful, but nothing is ever enough. And sometimes life can seem so insignificant in the scheme of things...I want to be remembered, I want to be important, I NEED to be important and wonderful and loved, and yet no outside force ever can give me that I guess...Sure, temporarily, but nothing permanent. Always ends with me feeling empty once again.
I think the reason I cling to the past so much is because I am, at heart, a drama queen. Somehow being sick and depressed and out of control makes me feel worthwhile, and so if I'm healthy in the present, I constantly dwell on the past. I feel like if I let that go, then I'll really be just humdrum and boring and there will be nothing to make me different from anyone else. It's an illogical argument, granted. I do the same thing with songs, listen to songs that I know will remind me of bad times and make me sad, but I do it anyway.
But anyways...I don't know what's changed for me. This summer, I had such motivation and I loved doing things, and I had the energy and focus to do them, and it was just great. But now, somehow, it's all dissipating. I find myself staying up late crying over crazy thoughts that run through my mind. Find myself not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.
Getting out of IP was like waking from the dead or something. The novelty, the challenge, it kept me going at full speed, pushing through any and all barriers. It hurt, a lot, but I forced myself through it. And besides hurting makes me feel worthwhile so, I guess that made it easier to take care of myself. But now it's worn off. I seem to lack the follow-through, even though I do not want to go back the the disorder, I find myself unfulfilled and scared with the prospect of health.
It's like this never-ending series of days...wake up, complete various tasks, go to sleep, repeat. I get so bored with everyday life, and it gets to the point that I cannot stand it. But I don't know what to do about it. I have not yet found my place in the world, I guess. I just feel like I need to do something different, something wonderful, but nothing is ever enough. And sometimes life can seem so insignificant in the scheme of things...I want to be remembered, I want to be important, I NEED to be important and wonderful and loved, and yet no outside force ever can give me that I guess...Sure, temporarily, but nothing permanent. Always ends with me feeling empty once again.