(no subject)
I wish I knew what it would take to make me feel content, fulfilled. I feel this constant longing for *something* but for the life of me can't figure out what it is. I get so incredibly bored by everyday life. I thrive on intensity and chaos and extremity of emotion, yet I also know those things destroy me. Is it just a matter of learning to be content in the moment? Like buddha or something?
I just can't shake this feeling that I'm somehow innately different. And not that I'm the only one, because there are quite a few others who understand exactly the feelings I describe...but it's like...like some people just somehow feel things differently than the majority, or than what's considered "normal." Everything is intensified, more urgent. There's always this sense that there has to be something MORE, something amazing and spectacular, but nothing's ever enough. The word "longing" seems so melodramtic, but it's the only way to describe what it is that I feel so often. It's like I somehow lack the internal mechanism that moderates emotion or something. My mind runs rampant at everything and everything. Nothing just "is" there's always a story behind it, always something tragic or joyful.
And then to totally change topics. . .
When I first got out of IP, I felt justified taking care of myself. I was sick, I knew I was sick, and I ate my mealplan and did everything I was supposed to do. It was like coming to life after being dead or something. But now the novelty has worn off. I'm not sick now, and so it's hard for me to justify taking care of myself. Easier to beat up on myself, to stop sleeping, stop eating, go crazy. But I don't WANT to go back to the life I had last year. Nor do I ever want to go through the pain of the intial stages of recovery either. The crying after every meal, the constant emotional discomfort, feeling like everything known had been wrenched from me. I don't want to do that again. And yet I have this need to constantly have a challenge. Once I've reached a certain point, accomplished a certain amount, I start feeling empty again.
On that note, I have to wake up in 6 hours. I slept through this class wednesday so I CANNOT do that twice in a row.
Gah...I just don't understand why I'm perpetually dissatisfied.
I just can't shake this feeling that I'm somehow innately different. And not that I'm the only one, because there are quite a few others who understand exactly the feelings I describe...but it's like...like some people just somehow feel things differently than the majority, or than what's considered "normal." Everything is intensified, more urgent. There's always this sense that there has to be something MORE, something amazing and spectacular, but nothing's ever enough. The word "longing" seems so melodramtic, but it's the only way to describe what it is that I feel so often. It's like I somehow lack the internal mechanism that moderates emotion or something. My mind runs rampant at everything and everything. Nothing just "is" there's always a story behind it, always something tragic or joyful.
And then to totally change topics. . .
When I first got out of IP, I felt justified taking care of myself. I was sick, I knew I was sick, and I ate my mealplan and did everything I was supposed to do. It was like coming to life after being dead or something. But now the novelty has worn off. I'm not sick now, and so it's hard for me to justify taking care of myself. Easier to beat up on myself, to stop sleeping, stop eating, go crazy. But I don't WANT to go back to the life I had last year. Nor do I ever want to go through the pain of the intial stages of recovery either. The crying after every meal, the constant emotional discomfort, feeling like everything known had been wrenched from me. I don't want to do that again. And yet I have this need to constantly have a challenge. Once I've reached a certain point, accomplished a certain amount, I start feeling empty again.
On that note, I have to wake up in 6 hours. I slept through this class wednesday so I CANNOT do that twice in a row.
Gah...I just don't understand why I'm perpetually dissatisfied.