Grief
5 AM: Wake up to crushing grief and I can't stop the inevitable sobs that escape me. I am sick and already stuffed up and I am a mess of snot and tears in my bed.
10 AM: Wake up again to more crushing grief and racking sobs and the fact that I have to get up and face the day. I have 12 hours to fill before I can be somewhat blissfully unconscious again.
12 PM: I cry on my couch, I feel so trapped and isolated yet I know no one can make me feel better nor stop this uncomfortable feeling of hell. I would prefer to do this on my own than have someone near me waiting for me to stop and feel better. That's not going to happen any time soon.
2 PM: I can't deal with the feelings of being smothered in a bad dream anymore and I get in my car for one of the many drives I have taken recently to feel like I am doing something (glad gas prices have dropped). As I drive on 101 north to Sonoma County, I cry and sob to the white lines on the highway, hoping I don't crash.
5 PM: I have dinner at an Indian restaurant in Sebastopol, my tears threaten to come out on my naan and saag paneer. I stare out the window at the dying sun and the christmas lights reminding me that my mom won't be here for the holidays this year.
5:30 pm: I drive home in the dark on the back roads and the car lights blind me and prism off my glasses smudged with salt residue. Here is where I really let loose. I scream and scream and cry for my mom, "PLease, please, mommy, I need you, I am so lost, I am so fucked up. I don't know how to do this without you. I am so lost, mama, please help me! Someone HELP ME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!". I do this for about 5 miles, dry heaving and hyperventilating as I pass cow pastures and smell the manuer. No one helps me, she doesn't come.
7:30 PM: Get home after a long drive and fill the bath. I am so exhausted and depleted. I am so alone. I have never felt so alone, yet my heart is too broken to let anyone in. My own fault I guess, this aloneness. I cry and sob freely in the hot water, not caring if my neighbor's hear me upstairs. I cry and cry. I am over heated and sit on the edge of the tub and cry some more. At least 30 minutes worth of crying as my skin wrinkles in the water.
8:00 PM: I write in my online journal, drink calming tea and cry and sob as I realize how deeply devastated I truly am. My life has fallen apart and lies in shards and unmendable pieces around my broken heart. I want to crawl into bed and sleep until this is all over or until I realize all I need to do is wake up and it will all be just a bad dream.
10 AM: Wake up again to more crushing grief and racking sobs and the fact that I have to get up and face the day. I have 12 hours to fill before I can be somewhat blissfully unconscious again.
12 PM: I cry on my couch, I feel so trapped and isolated yet I know no one can make me feel better nor stop this uncomfortable feeling of hell. I would prefer to do this on my own than have someone near me waiting for me to stop and feel better. That's not going to happen any time soon.
2 PM: I can't deal with the feelings of being smothered in a bad dream anymore and I get in my car for one of the many drives I have taken recently to feel like I am doing something (glad gas prices have dropped). As I drive on 101 north to Sonoma County, I cry and sob to the white lines on the highway, hoping I don't crash.
5 PM: I have dinner at an Indian restaurant in Sebastopol, my tears threaten to come out on my naan and saag paneer. I stare out the window at the dying sun and the christmas lights reminding me that my mom won't be here for the holidays this year.
5:30 pm: I drive home in the dark on the back roads and the car lights blind me and prism off my glasses smudged with salt residue. Here is where I really let loose. I scream and scream and cry for my mom, "PLease, please, mommy, I need you, I am so lost, I am so fucked up. I don't know how to do this without you. I am so lost, mama, please help me! Someone HELP ME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!". I do this for about 5 miles, dry heaving and hyperventilating as I pass cow pastures and smell the manuer. No one helps me, she doesn't come.
7:30 PM: Get home after a long drive and fill the bath. I am so exhausted and depleted. I am so alone. I have never felt so alone, yet my heart is too broken to let anyone in. My own fault I guess, this aloneness. I cry and sob freely in the hot water, not caring if my neighbor's hear me upstairs. I cry and cry. I am over heated and sit on the edge of the tub and cry some more. At least 30 minutes worth of crying as my skin wrinkles in the water.
8:00 PM: I write in my online journal, drink calming tea and cry and sob as I realize how deeply devastated I truly am. My life has fallen apart and lies in shards and unmendable pieces around my broken heart. I want to crawl into bed and sleep until this is all over or until I realize all I need to do is wake up and it will all be just a bad dream.