It's All Such Bullshit
I've finally come to it yet again: I must always be true to myself and just sort of mentally silence myscritics, unless I happen to agree with them. I mean yes, I screw up, and when I do, feel free to point it out, and I'll listen, and I'll work it out. But otherwise: your suspicions of me and your feelings that I'm jealous or paranoid are unwarranted. How did I get here: I'll just say this. Someone whose motives and sense of behavior I've always doubted on some level has hurt someone I care deeply about. And I'm sad and pissed. But I'm also pissed at myself for not having done more to help or to warn. I listened to this person when he said that I was wishy washy or dishonorable or unreasonable to men. I listened to this person and various friends, who said my sonar was off because I was jealous. I internalized this and thought myself a jealous worthless brat. Although i didn't FEEL jealous....I felt scared for my friend and angry. I felt my blood boil at all the unlearned lessons and broken promises from 100 fricking years ago to this day on earth. Different people, but the rest is always the same. *shrugs* This makes sense if you believe in reincarnation. But I tried to silence myself and told myself it would be okay. And it's not, it never was. And if I'd tried to help it wouldn't have mattered anyway. And yet I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every second I spent taking this person's words to heart and emulating him. I'm sorry for every disloyal thought I had about myself when someone called me jealous. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there more for my friend. And yet I learned a precious lesson: it'll be way way hrader to convince me I'm in the wrong from this day forward.....unless I in my heart truly believe it.