(no subject)
Okay.
I'm okay.
I'm really okay.
I am alive. That is okay.
I live, I breathe, I love. I can still experience happiness and closeness and peace.
I am angry, but I don't have to be. I don't have to be angry forever. I've known, since I was a small child, that life is unfair.
That plants and animals and people die, whether we like it or not. This isn't anything new.
But it doesn't make it hurt any less. I feel so many things that I can't even put into words.
And I still have so many questions. Questions that everyone I have ever met has been too human to answer.
I especially can't answer them. I try, and I just end up with theories and beliefs that are just as human as the next person's.
Music makes things okay for a while. I need more of it, though. Sometimes it feels like music is filling up the hole in my heart... Drum beats, bass lines, grungy guitar. Lyrics and words that sound like empathy, reminding me of better times. Whipping me away from the hurt, just for a minute.
I don't know how to continue from here. We're all still in the same boat we were in before, living these sad, silly lives, just as lost and alone. Just as blind in our search for meaning and purpose. Except now there's this big hole in my heart, and bitterness is just flowing out onto everything else. It was always love before... When I lost my Paw Paw. When Bret died. The holes in my heart just continually screamed "give love, give love." That was the mantra that saved me and made it all okay. I was okay. But this time is so much different, and I don't know why I'm just pouring out bitterness and anger onto everything around me. I can think of psychological reasons... Like feeling powerless, or feeling isolated, or whatever, but thinking any of those things doesn't actually stop the overflow. Nothing makes it okay this time, so I'm just waiting for it all to subside so I can go back to living...
Except this time, everything is so different... All of reality is so different. I don't feel the same way about anything at all. And it's permanent. So it isn't just going to fade away this time... I don't understand how some people survive losing half of their family. I don't understand how some people survive losing everyone. How do you survive losing a parent? A brother? A lover?
A sister...
A child...
I'm okay. I really am. I am going to be okay. I am going to live, at least for a good while, if I'm lucky. I am going to keep growing and changing and loving. I will be happy. Right now I don't want a crowd... I just want to be alone. But soon, I know I will want nothing but crowds. Just people. Soon, I am going to need them in order to ride it out until I'm okay again. I know this won't last forever, but when you've loved someone since the day they were born, your life is never really the same once they're gone.
I still can't wrap my mind around it. I knew her whole life.
I'm okay.
I'm really okay.
I am alive. That is okay.
I live, I breathe, I love. I can still experience happiness and closeness and peace.
I am angry, but I don't have to be. I don't have to be angry forever. I've known, since I was a small child, that life is unfair.
That plants and animals and people die, whether we like it or not. This isn't anything new.
But it doesn't make it hurt any less. I feel so many things that I can't even put into words.
And I still have so many questions. Questions that everyone I have ever met has been too human to answer.
I especially can't answer them. I try, and I just end up with theories and beliefs that are just as human as the next person's.
Music makes things okay for a while. I need more of it, though. Sometimes it feels like music is filling up the hole in my heart... Drum beats, bass lines, grungy guitar. Lyrics and words that sound like empathy, reminding me of better times. Whipping me away from the hurt, just for a minute.
I don't know how to continue from here. We're all still in the same boat we were in before, living these sad, silly lives, just as lost and alone. Just as blind in our search for meaning and purpose. Except now there's this big hole in my heart, and bitterness is just flowing out onto everything else. It was always love before... When I lost my Paw Paw. When Bret died. The holes in my heart just continually screamed "give love, give love." That was the mantra that saved me and made it all okay. I was okay. But this time is so much different, and I don't know why I'm just pouring out bitterness and anger onto everything around me. I can think of psychological reasons... Like feeling powerless, or feeling isolated, or whatever, but thinking any of those things doesn't actually stop the overflow. Nothing makes it okay this time, so I'm just waiting for it all to subside so I can go back to living...
Except this time, everything is so different... All of reality is so different. I don't feel the same way about anything at all. And it's permanent. So it isn't just going to fade away this time... I don't understand how some people survive losing half of their family. I don't understand how some people survive losing everyone. How do you survive losing a parent? A brother? A lover?
A sister...
A child...
I'm okay. I really am. I am going to be okay. I am going to live, at least for a good while, if I'm lucky. I am going to keep growing and changing and loving. I will be happy. Right now I don't want a crowd... I just want to be alone. But soon, I know I will want nothing but crowds. Just people. Soon, I am going to need them in order to ride it out until I'm okay again. I know this won't last forever, but when you've loved someone since the day they were born, your life is never really the same once they're gone.
I still can't wrap my mind around it. I knew her whole life.