(no subject)
Hello journal, in all your beautiful abandoned glory.
Three(ish) years and a different me.
I've been on antidepressants basically since the last post I made. A life-changing decision. Circumstances are what they are, but at least nowadays I don't have to sit there and just suffer through. I can think and decide rationally, more or less. Or at least, suffer less in the decisions I do make. (Ha?) I toil less over everything. I have the ability to just do.
Life is different.
I found the connection I was looking for, and Andy is a sweetheart angel of a man.
I bought a house. It's mine.
I'm about to embark on a new venture as a travel tech. First stop, New Orleans.
The words don't come as easily as they used to. I'm not sure if it's a symptom of getting older, or not reading enough, or being medicated, or being on night shift for the last 3 years. Night shift takes its toll, and I'm pretty sure it's aged me faster than I would have otherwise. But, what are ya gonna do? Gotta work, right?
What I've gained in exchange: Confidence and a competence that I never thought would be mine. I can handle situations. I'm a lot harder to shake. Character is built in the crucible, I suppose. I still have (likely clinical) anxiety and depression, but I've accepted that medication takes care of the inherent part, and experience takes care of the rest.
I've gained experience and become good at what I do. I have a broad knowledge base of the world, and a specialized knowledge base in medical science. I can't know everything, but I know enough about a lot of little things that makes me feel confident moving in the world. I'm truly independent, I have something to offer, I am now 30 or 40 years old, and I have seen the ugly side of daily suffering, so what the hell is anybody in day to day life gonna do to me now?
I'm hoping with travel tech I'll be able to put myself ahead financially faster than antcipated. Save up some money and make some good investments with it. I've been working on an investment portfolio, ETF investments and a Roth IRA, so that's smart. I'd like to take some big chunks out of my mortgage to bring my "rent" down. I'm starting an LLC, because why not? I'd like to try my hand at setting up a hands-off online business. Plus, I hear there are tax breaks. Maybe I'll start two: One for online business, and one for my travel tech hustle. Who knows. The best way to learn is to just start.
Some days I feel like an absolute powerhouse.
Also, some days, I feel like I have so much less energy than I used to. Sometimes I sleep a LOT. Like. A lot. Not sure if it's night shift circadiam rhythm fuckery, or just the fact that I've lost momentum physically. I want to get back in the gym, but I'm not sure if getting a gym membership right as I'm starting to travel is the best option. Maybe I'll look and see if a large chain gym actually lets you use facilities around the US, and not just act like they do (looking at you, Planet Fitness). What I really want is a Reds membership, but I don't wanna join if I'm not gonna be able to use it.
There are pros and cons to my new lifestyle. Which, that's what I have now: A whole new lifestyle, both intentionally and unintentionally.
Andy has a kid, Audra. She's 11 and actually pretty cool. That means the house is less chaotic though. Not so much on random parties and late-night benders. I was super conflicted about it for a while, but honestly, I've been looking at an excuse to move away from the party lifestyle in some ways for a while. Drinking all the time gets old. Being hung over wastes a ton of time, and I know it contributes to the ways I don't feel my best. And the pros include me having an in to hang out with my friends that DO have kids now. It's not something I would have chosen intentionally, but it really is in a lot of ways a whole lot better than I would've expected. I think it helps a lot that Audra is actually a freaking awesome human being and that I actually like spending time around her. Most kids her age are wayyy overstimulating, and she's just totally on the level. She really seems to appreciate the level of chill that we like to keep the house too, so tbh it's a three-way win.
Working nights definitely killed my social life over the last 3+ years. First it was school, and then post-school my 7/7 schedule made me unavailable literally half the time. I've been trying to find ways to revive it, but I think I've been going about it the wrong way. Or at least, being social in my 30s is becoming a whole different animal. And it'll really change again once I start travelling.
I'm hoping for the best with this travel gig: I'll work for a while and get myself set up more nicely. I'll start some passive streams to where I won't have to work so much. Or, who knows where we'll go, maybe Andy and I will start up Barcade Cafe after all. I'll find a new balance with my social life, and hopefully, a new balance with myself. I've felt more out of touch with myself the last few years, for one reason or another, and although I know we can never go backwards, I'm hoping to find ways forward that bring me back into my center and put me back in touch with myself to help me remember what's really important to me.
Because, what is important to me now? It's been out of focus for a long time, I think mostly because I spend so much energy at work that when I'm off I just want to do simple things and enjoy life. But I feel like I'm waking up a bit, and on a good path for getting back to conteplation. Making art, writing, getting creative, doing stuff. Making moves and mulling over new goals. Taking some time to examine.
Who knows where we'll go from here? I'm excited to find out. Happy to be on the move again.