(no subject)
I don't currently have a therapist, so this will be my therapy.
Having pets has been such a joy. Both of my cats AND the dog are all in the bed with me right now. It's wonderful to be loved by animals and to not be alone at times like these. Rose legitimately loves me. Bunny and Lulu love me in the way cats do, which is preciously aloof but obviously needy. Lulu insisted that I make a tent with the blanket for her to hide in, par for the course for her little personality. It's so fucking cute.
I go back to work tonight. I don't want to. I expect we'll just take it one moment at a time. This will get under wing sooner or later, and if not: It will be a worthwhile investment. Maybe Ochsner will give us all a good raise in a couple of months, and then things will be even easier. Maybe I can move into a nice place of my own or something. I don't know how I feel about moving or what I want to do from here. I just want things to be easy for a while.
Devin is trying to make space. Every inch is difficult. I'm gonna try to take the separation into my own hands a bit and try to move away in small steps on my own terms. Spend time away from home when I want. Sleep in my own bed. I dunno what I'm trying to accomplish.
I just wish our sex life had worked out. I have a pretty good feeling that he isn't "the one" for me, but it still sucks and hurts that this is ending. That he lost interest and is more or less rejecting me. It's a mutual break, but... I feel rejected. I can't help but try and figure out how much of his faded attraction is actually my own fault. Am I a bad girlfriend? Was I a bad girlfriend to him? He says no. I guess it just faded away. My constant dissatisfaction was definitely a wear and tear on him. I just wanted him to connect with me, but I don't think he's the type that that level of connection comes to naturally. So I was always left wanting.
I forget that I've spent a significant portion of this relationship feeling alone. It isn't his fault, it just is what it is. I've felt lonely and alone, and I don't think it's supposed to be that way in a relationship. I'm still unsure if it's me wanting a hole filled that I should learn to fill myself, or if it's just that the chemistry isn't on point where it needed to be. We were great to each other. We tried. He tried. Sometimes two people just aren't meant for each other.
There isn't anything wrong with me being the way that I am.
Wants in a relationship:
Good, satisfying sex with mutual attraction. It is okay to not be attracted to certain people that I connect with.
Mental connection. I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. I want to feel close to someone. I want to trust and understand them, and vice versa. I want to have good conversations with them regularly and for us to make each other laugh.
Reliability and stability. I want someone that I feel like I can count on.
Good personal hygiene, cleanliness, and grooming. I want to be with someone who takes care of themselves and is in good health.
A willingness to get out of the house and go explore. Someone who wants to travel and socialize.
I want to find my one. I want to find my person.
I have to accept that I may never find my one person, so I have to be okay with being on my own.
Wants for myself:
Good health. I want to be strong and flexible physically. Exercise and stretch. I want to feel comfortable and beautiful in my own skin.
Good mental health. I want to be confident and comfortable on my own. I want to feel good on my own. I want to be at peace being by myself. Good self esteem, low anxiety, low depression.
A good support system. I want to feel secure in my friendships with others. I want to feel comfortable opening up to the people I care about. I want to trust.
A comfortable home. I want less clutter. I want to feel happy being in my own space. I want to feel at peace being in my home. I want to feel secure.
I want to feel safe.
Having pets has been such a joy. Both of my cats AND the dog are all in the bed with me right now. It's wonderful to be loved by animals and to not be alone at times like these. Rose legitimately loves me. Bunny and Lulu love me in the way cats do, which is preciously aloof but obviously needy. Lulu insisted that I make a tent with the blanket for her to hide in, par for the course for her little personality. It's so fucking cute.
I go back to work tonight. I don't want to. I expect we'll just take it one moment at a time. This will get under wing sooner or later, and if not: It will be a worthwhile investment. Maybe Ochsner will give us all a good raise in a couple of months, and then things will be even easier. Maybe I can move into a nice place of my own or something. I don't know how I feel about moving or what I want to do from here. I just want things to be easy for a while.
Devin is trying to make space. Every inch is difficult. I'm gonna try to take the separation into my own hands a bit and try to move away in small steps on my own terms. Spend time away from home when I want. Sleep in my own bed. I dunno what I'm trying to accomplish.
I just wish our sex life had worked out. I have a pretty good feeling that he isn't "the one" for me, but it still sucks and hurts that this is ending. That he lost interest and is more or less rejecting me. It's a mutual break, but... I feel rejected. I can't help but try and figure out how much of his faded attraction is actually my own fault. Am I a bad girlfriend? Was I a bad girlfriend to him? He says no. I guess it just faded away. My constant dissatisfaction was definitely a wear and tear on him. I just wanted him to connect with me, but I don't think he's the type that that level of connection comes to naturally. So I was always left wanting.
I forget that I've spent a significant portion of this relationship feeling alone. It isn't his fault, it just is what it is. I've felt lonely and alone, and I don't think it's supposed to be that way in a relationship. I'm still unsure if it's me wanting a hole filled that I should learn to fill myself, or if it's just that the chemistry isn't on point where it needed to be. We were great to each other. We tried. He tried. Sometimes two people just aren't meant for each other.
There isn't anything wrong with me being the way that I am.
Wants in a relationship:
Good, satisfying sex with mutual attraction. It is okay to not be attracted to certain people that I connect with.
Mental connection. I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. I want to feel close to someone. I want to trust and understand them, and vice versa. I want to have good conversations with them regularly and for us to make each other laugh.
Reliability and stability. I want someone that I feel like I can count on.
Good personal hygiene, cleanliness, and grooming. I want to be with someone who takes care of themselves and is in good health.
A willingness to get out of the house and go explore. Someone who wants to travel and socialize.
I want to find my one. I want to find my person.
I have to accept that I may never find my one person, so I have to be okay with being on my own.
Wants for myself:
Good health. I want to be strong and flexible physically. Exercise and stretch. I want to feel comfortable and beautiful in my own skin.
Good mental health. I want to be confident and comfortable on my own. I want to feel good on my own. I want to be at peace being by myself. Good self esteem, low anxiety, low depression.
A good support system. I want to feel secure in my friendships with others. I want to feel comfortable opening up to the people I care about. I want to trust.
A comfortable home. I want less clutter. I want to feel happy being in my own space. I want to feel at peace being in my home. I want to feel secure.
I want to feel safe.