(no subject)
I never thought I'd be working towards something so... substantial.
A career. Goals. Actual, tangible building.
I felt so lost for so long. Looking back, I felt... doomed. Like I didn't deserve any better.
Doomed to swallow the bitter pill of all the bad in order to deserve some little bit of good.
I didn't think there was anything more for me beyond living like... I dunno. A debauched mess? Perpetually impoverished? Forever aimless and searching? Flittingly unattached? I didn't think I deserved shit or was capable of doing anything on my own, or that I'd have the ability to commit to anything I put my mind to. Come to find out, I'm incapable of committing to that which my gut knows isn't for me.
I think I just assumed that living day to day, moment to moment, just trying to survive, walking eggshells around my psyche and the ticking timebomb company I kept, was all I was capable of. All there was ever going to be, and all I deserved. All I'd ever have the energy for or be good for. It's all I knew.
No love lost on any counts, it is what it is. I was raised to be easily manipulated.
It's taken me dating someone that isn't a narcissist, and isn't manipulative, to realize that relationships don't have to be that way to be meaningful. That they don't have to be that way at all. It doesn't have to be eggshells and secret games and subterranean warfare. I do have enough energy to be normal, I don't have to be exhausted, and I don't have to be afraid.
I have a lot of bad habits. Relics of the dysfunctions I was borne from. Things I developed as defenses, ways to stay functioning and navigate the mazes, ways to survive. It will take me time to retrain my instincts and curb my kneejerk reactions.
I want to break the cycle.
A career. Goals. Actual, tangible building.
I felt so lost for so long. Looking back, I felt... doomed. Like I didn't deserve any better.
Doomed to swallow the bitter pill of all the bad in order to deserve some little bit of good.
I didn't think there was anything more for me beyond living like... I dunno. A debauched mess? Perpetually impoverished? Forever aimless and searching? Flittingly unattached? I didn't think I deserved shit or was capable of doing anything on my own, or that I'd have the ability to commit to anything I put my mind to. Come to find out, I'm incapable of committing to that which my gut knows isn't for me.
I think I just assumed that living day to day, moment to moment, just trying to survive, walking eggshells around my psyche and the ticking timebomb company I kept, was all I was capable of. All there was ever going to be, and all I deserved. All I'd ever have the energy for or be good for. It's all I knew.
No love lost on any counts, it is what it is. I was raised to be easily manipulated.
It's taken me dating someone that isn't a narcissist, and isn't manipulative, to realize that relationships don't have to be that way to be meaningful. That they don't have to be that way at all. It doesn't have to be eggshells and secret games and subterranean warfare. I do have enough energy to be normal, I don't have to be exhausted, and I don't have to be afraid.
I have a lot of bad habits. Relics of the dysfunctions I was borne from. Things I developed as defenses, ways to stay functioning and navigate the mazes, ways to survive. It will take me time to retrain my instincts and curb my kneejerk reactions.
I want to break the cycle.