(no subject)
Like a snake shedding its skin
Again and again
I outgrow myself,
And leave behind the confines
Of that which no longer serves me.
Like the mythic phoenix
Continually burst to flames
I once again rise from my own ashes,
Brand new but a little older
A different me but still the same,
Born in the wake of destruction
Of another life, built, burnt,
The foundation for my empire.
In the past year, I have:
-Made the decision to be different, and then changed
-Learned how to recognize and walk away from abusive relationships and behaviors of all types, even family
-Dropped unhealthy relationships (of all types) and fostered healthy ones
-Worked through grief, losses, betrayals, and abandonment of all kinds
-Come to recognize and break my patterns of self-destructive behaviors, and replaced them with productive/fulfilling ones
-Come to understand what drives my self-destruction and negative thoughts, and thus gained control over changing them
-Developed various systems of understanding and dealing with my emotions, and healthy ways of coping with them and taking care of myself
-Busted my ass in counseling until I got over my existential shit and worked out my own, solid life philosophy
-Became responsible enough to adopt pets and dozens of plants, and care for them well
-Signed up for, maintained, studied, and worked my way through the Master Naturalist program, and am now a certified Master Naturalist
-Learned that I'm capable of a regular sleep schedule and can wake up early in the morning
-Fought through a demanding job and persevered, building a good reputation, connections, and rock bottom stability
-Made a good name for myself with multiple huge companies, securing my ability to always be able to support myself, almost anywhere I live
-Was left flat broke and unable to go home because everyone is human and humans are shit, and have bounced back like a motherfucker
-Worked my way up from flat broke, busting my ass to break the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle
-Changed my spending habits and worked enough to save up a nest egg, enough to buy a second vehicle
-Made a smart purchase of said second vehicle and, doing the work myself, can flip one of them for excellent net profit
-Learned a ton and am continuing to learn on my mechanic skillset as a handy hobby, with bonus independence and potential
-Building on my work ethic and determination/refusal to settle, just landed an excellent job with great hours, pay, vacation, benefits, pension, and options for upward mobility and growth if it suits me, with enough personal security and flexibility to start again and try something else if it doesn't
-Learned how to take care of myself by myself, what codependence is, what a healthy relationship looks like vs. what I knew
-Figured out what I really want and need out of a partner and a relationship
-Found said partner and built the healthiest, most fulfilling relationship of my life, which is only getting better with no end in sight
-But also have developed the independence, capability, confidence, and flexibility to roll with the punches even if literally all of this falls through
It feels good to look back and see how far I've come, and how I've grown.
As for now, I've got more goals.
I'm gonna get my own place, and own it. My name on the paperwork. All on my own.
I'm gonna continue to work and build to the place I want to be, and keep living the life of my dreams.
In the words of one of my heros:
"I dream it, I work hard, I grind 'til I own it"
(Queen Bey is a goddess.)
I've built, and I'll keep building.
I'm gonna keep the momentum going and keep getting better. Smarter. Stronger. More skilled. More successful. More free.
Fuck definitions, I'm writing a new dictionary.
Haters can read it and weep.
Going for triple threat status: Smart, sexy, successful.
I have become the definition of independent.
And I am building a life full of meaning, love, and potential.
"You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation.
Always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper."
I have come a long way from where I've been. I've done a lot of hard work, and I'm seeing the payoff.
I am loved, and am in real love. It's almost unbelievable.
I have gained my definition of security without sacrificing my freedom. If anything, I'm only working towards more of both.
I feel like I'm finally building on things I won't burn down. I might be in the nth iteration of myself, certainly not the last, but I now know that change is natural, ebb and flow, and that it is okay to be different each day and take is as it comes. What was right yesterday might be wrong today, and then right again tomorrow. Or vice versa. I can embrace who I am and whoever I might be tomorrow, and let go of what no longer serves me.
I feel like I've finally broken free of so many things that were holding me back, and am finally writing my own life.
Some approve, some scoff, others envy, and finally, none matter.
At the end of the day I've got me, and that's all I need.
But the best part about it is that, right now, I've got so much more.
My life rocks, and I am happy. And that feels hella good to say.
Again and again
I outgrow myself,
And leave behind the confines
Of that which no longer serves me.
Like the mythic phoenix
Continually burst to flames
I once again rise from my own ashes,
Brand new but a little older
A different me but still the same,
Born in the wake of destruction
Of another life, built, burnt,
The foundation for my empire.
In the past year, I have:
-Made the decision to be different, and then changed
-Learned how to recognize and walk away from abusive relationships and behaviors of all types, even family
-Dropped unhealthy relationships (of all types) and fostered healthy ones
-Worked through grief, losses, betrayals, and abandonment of all kinds
-Come to recognize and break my patterns of self-destructive behaviors, and replaced them with productive/fulfilling ones
-Come to understand what drives my self-destruction and negative thoughts, and thus gained control over changing them
-Developed various systems of understanding and dealing with my emotions, and healthy ways of coping with them and taking care of myself
-Busted my ass in counseling until I got over my existential shit and worked out my own, solid life philosophy
-Became responsible enough to adopt pets and dozens of plants, and care for them well
-Signed up for, maintained, studied, and worked my way through the Master Naturalist program, and am now a certified Master Naturalist
-Learned that I'm capable of a regular sleep schedule and can wake up early in the morning
-Fought through a demanding job and persevered, building a good reputation, connections, and rock bottom stability
-Made a good name for myself with multiple huge companies, securing my ability to always be able to support myself, almost anywhere I live
-Was left flat broke and unable to go home because everyone is human and humans are shit, and have bounced back like a motherfucker
-Worked my way up from flat broke, busting my ass to break the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle
-Changed my spending habits and worked enough to save up a nest egg, enough to buy a second vehicle
-Made a smart purchase of said second vehicle and, doing the work myself, can flip one of them for excellent net profit
-Learned a ton and am continuing to learn on my mechanic skillset as a handy hobby, with bonus independence and potential
-Building on my work ethic and determination/refusal to settle, just landed an excellent job with great hours, pay, vacation, benefits, pension, and options for upward mobility and growth if it suits me, with enough personal security and flexibility to start again and try something else if it doesn't
-Learned how to take care of myself by myself, what codependence is, what a healthy relationship looks like vs. what I knew
-Figured out what I really want and need out of a partner and a relationship
-Found said partner and built the healthiest, most fulfilling relationship of my life, which is only getting better with no end in sight
-But also have developed the independence, capability, confidence, and flexibility to roll with the punches even if literally all of this falls through
It feels good to look back and see how far I've come, and how I've grown.
As for now, I've got more goals.
I'm gonna get my own place, and own it. My name on the paperwork. All on my own.
I'm gonna continue to work and build to the place I want to be, and keep living the life of my dreams.
In the words of one of my heros:
"I dream it, I work hard, I grind 'til I own it"
(Queen Bey is a goddess.)
I've built, and I'll keep building.
I'm gonna keep the momentum going and keep getting better. Smarter. Stronger. More skilled. More successful. More free.
Fuck definitions, I'm writing a new dictionary.
Haters can read it and weep.
Going for triple threat status: Smart, sexy, successful.
I have become the definition of independent.
And I am building a life full of meaning, love, and potential.
"You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation.
Always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper."
I have come a long way from where I've been. I've done a lot of hard work, and I'm seeing the payoff.
I am loved, and am in real love. It's almost unbelievable.
I have gained my definition of security without sacrificing my freedom. If anything, I'm only working towards more of both.
I feel like I'm finally building on things I won't burn down. I might be in the nth iteration of myself, certainly not the last, but I now know that change is natural, ebb and flow, and that it is okay to be different each day and take is as it comes. What was right yesterday might be wrong today, and then right again tomorrow. Or vice versa. I can embrace who I am and whoever I might be tomorrow, and let go of what no longer serves me.
I feel like I've finally broken free of so many things that were holding me back, and am finally writing my own life.
Some approve, some scoff, others envy, and finally, none matter.
At the end of the day I've got me, and that's all I need.
But the best part about it is that, right now, I've got so much more.
My life rocks, and I am happy. And that feels hella good to say.