(no subject)
I don't even know where to begin.
Angry. I keep getting angry.
It flares and expands, I can't hold it in.
I yell, and want to break things.
Scream kick thrash.
Is this typical for my age?
Why this darkness?
Am I asking the right questions? Does it matter which questions I ask?
Usually writing helps. I haven't seemed able to write myself out of this house of red mirrors yet.
I keep trying to analyze it. It feels like a transformation, a new reaction to replace an old one. It's how I know how to stand up for myself. I'm figuring out how to defend myself, instead of bending to be walked upon like a proper lady. Instead of bottling, dealing, eating it, it consumes me, burning instead of decomposing. Fuck em. I'm pushing back.
Reminder: This is an acceptable emotion to have. Anger is sometimes an absolutely appropriate response, but regardless, whatever response I'm having is happening for a reason. Anger catalyzes change. Anger throws propriety to the wind. Anger blazes energy. Anger... Excuses emotional expression. Anger sets boundaries and defends vulnerabilities. It's a response to a perceived threat, right? To an affront.
It can also spring from pain. Shame. Guilt. Anger snatches at control.
Anger recoils upon the vessel. My vision is tinted, perspective shifted... Am I more realistic? Better defended? I'm not happier for it, at least temporarily. But maybe I'll be healthier for it in the long run, by giving myself the training to stand up for myself. I'm fed up and refuse to be a pushover. I won't be molded any longer, not without my deliberate consent. This could be the first step, and eventually I will learn how to set the boundary and hold shape without the reactionary need for anger.
I have been clay to molds, forming around less pliable personalities than my own. Clay, which hardens and tempers in heat. I will retain pliability where it serves me, where I choose, but I will no longer have it be a default. I was trained to bend, and now I insist on standing.
I will shape myself without forming to an external mold. And then, I will set myself in flame, and be a mold myself for others to model after.