(no subject)
Wowwwww
Okay
So this has been a roller coaster ride.
I have decided to become a Dental Hygienist.
It will be a good job. I think I will like it. It has excellent hours, excellent pay, not too stressful, very flexible. Hygienists needed anywhere and everywhere, working with individuals, working with my hands, helping people. Nice atmosphere. I'm looking forward to it. I'm job shadowing in about a week and a half, and I can hardly wait. I want to find out like RIGHT NOW whether I will like it or not. I think I will, but I want to go and see it and experience it. Just so I know. It will either make me more confident in my decision, or show me that it's the completely wrong path and I can fix it before I over-commit. But I think this is where it's at.
3 more years of school. I'm already in summer school for my first biology. I'm taking a plunge and will take out student loans, but I am 100% confident in my ability to pay them back when I get finished with school.
I am terrified. Or, was. Yesterday. Today I am strong. Today, I am not worrying. Today, I am living in today, am confident in my decisions, and refuse to be afraid.
I am loving my biology class. I study every single day. The more I study, the more I get interested in the biological processes and workings of the world around me. We are living organisms, and we are infinitely interesting.
Thus far, it has been a difficult, back-and-forth battle. I have spent the last year dealing with death and lack of direction. Yesterday, I was anxious and afraid. The day before that, I was okay. The weeks before that, I cried almost every single day. Maybe my mind was finally prepared to accept and experience the reality and grief of it all, I don't know. But I know I cried a lot. I miss my cousin. I miss my friends. I miss my uncles and my professors. I miss my pawpaw. I am sad because I know so many people (whom I love) that are so much more profoundly affected by this than I am. And I know it won't be the last time that I cry, but I say it again: It is okay to feel grief and sadness, for as long as I will. It is love.
I have been anxious because I worry about the future. Since I got my degree, I have been trying to figure out what I should do with my life. To that I say: Live it. I have been trying to figure out what to do as a career. To that I say: Something easily tolerable that will give me the lifestyle that I want. Dental Hygienist fits the bill. Plus, as an added bonus, I get to go back to school. Yay!
Acadian sucked.
Ruffino's sucks for now, might get better once I get switched to back waiter. We'll see, I'm giving it a chance. Unless they fire me or something, which will just mean that I'll go back to Maggie Moo's as soon as Christie can fit me on the schedule. But waiting will give me more money for my time than anything else right now, which will be good for supporting myself while I go to school. Just so I don't have to live off of student loans and that money can go completely to school.
I want my crazy color hair back. It's pushing me to want to go back to Maggie Moo's. Maybe I'll just get a wig instead.
I've been seeing a counselor. The first time I went in, I bawled my eyes out for the entire hour I was there. The second time, I was composed and spoke well. I was having a good day, so there wasn't much that she could help me with, except to give me some perspective on careers and stuff. I am going back in another week for her to check up on me.
I don't know how I'll be.
Because yesterday was a mess. Today was a mess until I changed my perspective, danced a mental health waltz, and forced it to be good. I don't know if this is any kind of permanent perspective, so all I can do is hope that I am also strong tomorrow. Maybe my perspective is shifted, maybe now I've accepted and felt my grief, maybe now I've accepted my fear and let it go. I won't know until tomorrow comes. I'm guessing it'll still be a back-and-forth battle, but maybe at least I won't be so anxiously terrified from now on.
Why? Because I know that I am strong and smart and beautiful and will be okay. Because I know that things can be much worse, and I am absolutely privileged to have the options that I do now. Because I know that this is just life, and that experiencing the fear of your worst fears is always much worse than actually living through your worst fears. Because regardless of who judges me and my choices and decisions, I love myself and am truly loved and supported by more people than I can list or count. Because now I know, for a fact, that I can fucking do this.
So bring it on.
Okay
So this has been a roller coaster ride.
I have decided to become a Dental Hygienist.
It will be a good job. I think I will like it. It has excellent hours, excellent pay, not too stressful, very flexible. Hygienists needed anywhere and everywhere, working with individuals, working with my hands, helping people. Nice atmosphere. I'm looking forward to it. I'm job shadowing in about a week and a half, and I can hardly wait. I want to find out like RIGHT NOW whether I will like it or not. I think I will, but I want to go and see it and experience it. Just so I know. It will either make me more confident in my decision, or show me that it's the completely wrong path and I can fix it before I over-commit. But I think this is where it's at.
3 more years of school. I'm already in summer school for my first biology. I'm taking a plunge and will take out student loans, but I am 100% confident in my ability to pay them back when I get finished with school.
I am terrified. Or, was. Yesterday. Today I am strong. Today, I am not worrying. Today, I am living in today, am confident in my decisions, and refuse to be afraid.
I am loving my biology class. I study every single day. The more I study, the more I get interested in the biological processes and workings of the world around me. We are living organisms, and we are infinitely interesting.
Thus far, it has been a difficult, back-and-forth battle. I have spent the last year dealing with death and lack of direction. Yesterday, I was anxious and afraid. The day before that, I was okay. The weeks before that, I cried almost every single day. Maybe my mind was finally prepared to accept and experience the reality and grief of it all, I don't know. But I know I cried a lot. I miss my cousin. I miss my friends. I miss my uncles and my professors. I miss my pawpaw. I am sad because I know so many people (whom I love) that are so much more profoundly affected by this than I am. And I know it won't be the last time that I cry, but I say it again: It is okay to feel grief and sadness, for as long as I will. It is love.
I have been anxious because I worry about the future. Since I got my degree, I have been trying to figure out what I should do with my life. To that I say: Live it. I have been trying to figure out what to do as a career. To that I say: Something easily tolerable that will give me the lifestyle that I want. Dental Hygienist fits the bill. Plus, as an added bonus, I get to go back to school. Yay!
Acadian sucked.
Ruffino's sucks for now, might get better once I get switched to back waiter. We'll see, I'm giving it a chance. Unless they fire me or something, which will just mean that I'll go back to Maggie Moo's as soon as Christie can fit me on the schedule. But waiting will give me more money for my time than anything else right now, which will be good for supporting myself while I go to school. Just so I don't have to live off of student loans and that money can go completely to school.
I want my crazy color hair back. It's pushing me to want to go back to Maggie Moo's. Maybe I'll just get a wig instead.
I've been seeing a counselor. The first time I went in, I bawled my eyes out for the entire hour I was there. The second time, I was composed and spoke well. I was having a good day, so there wasn't much that she could help me with, except to give me some perspective on careers and stuff. I am going back in another week for her to check up on me.
I don't know how I'll be.
Because yesterday was a mess. Today was a mess until I changed my perspective, danced a mental health waltz, and forced it to be good. I don't know if this is any kind of permanent perspective, so all I can do is hope that I am also strong tomorrow. Maybe my perspective is shifted, maybe now I've accepted and felt my grief, maybe now I've accepted my fear and let it go. I won't know until tomorrow comes. I'm guessing it'll still be a back-and-forth battle, but maybe at least I won't be so anxiously terrified from now on.
Why? Because I know that I am strong and smart and beautiful and will be okay. Because I know that things can be much worse, and I am absolutely privileged to have the options that I do now. Because I know that this is just life, and that experiencing the fear of your worst fears is always much worse than actually living through your worst fears. Because regardless of who judges me and my choices and decisions, I love myself and am truly loved and supported by more people than I can list or count. Because now I know, for a fact, that I can fucking do this.
So bring it on.