For better April Fools humour
Amid Civilization's Ashes, A Venti Mochaccino
By D'ANNA BIERS
Published: April 1, 2007
CAPRICA CITY, Caprica, 31 Ares - The skies were cloudy, the radiation levels moderate, and the cream of Cylon civilization was present in droves for the opening of the first Caprica City Starbucks.
“I always used to joke: How many planets do we have to destroy to get a decent cup of coffee around here?” said a Brother Cavil model while waiting. “Turns out it’s twelve. Who knew?”
The new location occupies a former elementary school opposite Command Line Park in Caprica City, still irradiated and partly devastated from the Cylons’ initial attack on the Twelve Colonies four years ago. Caprica City has hosted other coffee shops since the Cylons arrived, but many of them closed after becoming targets for frequent bombings by human resistance fighters.
“We already had art, and religion, and faster-than-light travel,” said a Number Five model before cutting the ribbon to open the store, “but today, we can truly call ourselves a civilization.”
“The Cylons are a ruthless species, determined to spread to every corner of the galaxy and crush all inferior competitors through robotic precision and technological superiority,” said a nervous-looking Starbucks President and CEO Jim Donald, as the Five model officiating the ceremony held a gun to his head. “Clearly, we have a lot in common.”
The new location, staffed around the clock by specially programmed Cylon Centurions, offers Starbucks’ full complement of hot and cold beverages, prepared “by your command” in deference to the native culture. For morally conscious Cylons, the store will also offer a “genocide free” line of blends, grown on planets where no preexisting human population has been eradicated.
Business was brisk during the store’s first day of fully operational status. Customers chatted in line while B0b Dylon’s “All Along the Watchtower,” a traditional Cylon favorite, played on the in-store HEAR Music system.
“Strange,” mused a Number Six model while waiting for her order. “We seek to destroy the humans, yet in replacing them, we strive to emulate their behavior, down to their addiction to caffeine. Perhaps we are not so - hey! Hey! What the frak is this? I ordered hazelnut!”
“Truth be told,” a Simon model admitted, “half the time I was projecting myself into a Starbucks anyway. It’s nice to have the real thing for a change.”
“All things come full circle,” said a Leoben model, taking his first sip of a grande Sagittaron Blend with a shot of vanilla syrup. “Each cup shall be identical to the last, as it has before, as it shall again. I’ve foreseen it. Mmm. Oh, yeah. That’s God’s pure love right there.”
Starbucks plans to open ten Caprica City locations within the year, with expansions to Cylon-occupied Aerolon, Aquaria, and Picon planned in the next eighteen months.
When reached for comment on Colonial One, President Laura Roslin of the remaining human fleet expressed dismay and anger at Starbucks’ “capitulation and collaboration” with the Cylon invaders.
“In a desperate, hope-starved, and sleep-deprived fleet like this, we need every remaining comfort we can get,” President Roslin said. “It’s a true blow to lose one more to the Cylons. Especially since we’ve gone without Starbucks since the Cloud Nine location was destroyed.”
“Gods,” the President added ruefully, “sometimes I think I’d send half the damned fleet out an airlock for a good Frappuccino.”
Police Hunt Burlesque Troupe in Coed's Shooting
By MARLO PHILLIPS
Published: April 1, 2007
NEPTUNE, Calif., March 31 - The Pussycat Dolls, a Los Angeles-based burlesque dance ensemble, have become the focus of a statewide manhunt following their alleged shooting of a local college student.
Veronica Mars, 19, a freshman at Neptune’s Hearst College, was admitted to Neptune County General Hospital Friday night with a gunshot wound to the back of the head, according to police records. Ms. Mars, a controversial figure and local celebrity following her involvement in 2004’s sensational Lilly Kane murder case, remains comatose and in critical condition in the hospital’s ICU following nearly 12 hours in surgery.
“At this point, we’re doing everything we can to keep her alive,” said Dr. Robert Thomas, chief of neurosurgery. “Until very recently, I would have given her odds of survival at 60/40, but now I’m afraid I’m much less confident.” He expects to know more about Ms. Mars’ long-term chances by mid-May.
According to police reports and eyewitness accounts, Ms. Mars was abruptly shot late Friday while leaving her job at the campus library.
“It was horrible,” said Cindy Mackenzie, 18, a friend of Ms. Mars and alleged eyewitness, fighting back tears. “I was coming across the quad, and I saw her waving to me. And then this whole entourage of walking venereal diseases just, just appeared out of nowhere, and one of them took out a pistol and fired.”
At present, law enforcement officials officially have no leads on the motive for the shooting, nor any idea why a dance ensemble known for its provocative outfits would wish to attack a college student. The Neptune County sheriff’s department is currently led by the victim’s father, Keith Mars, former private investigator and author of the national bestseller Big Murder, Small Town.
Sheriff Mars declined comment for this story. Deputy Oliver Sacks characterized him as “really broken up” by his daughter’s attack. “He hasn’t left the hospital since it happened,” Sacks said. “I don’t think he’s even slept. He keeps saying, ‘Why didn’t they just shoot me?’”
“I just don’t get it,” said Wallace Fennell, 19, a breakout freshman star of the Hearst College basketball team, who has known Ms. Mars since high school. “Veronica’s never been popular. And I’ve seen her plenty of times where it seemed like she was struggling - fighting for her life, even - against more popular, better-connected people. But it seemed like she’d built up a loyal group of supporters, people devoted enough to stick with her and help her out. I mean, I haven’t seen much of her lately, but I guess I figured I didn’t have to worry about her anymore.”
“Somebody’s gotta be behind this,” said Eli Navarro, 21, a Hearst campus janitor and sometime associate of Ms. Mars. “The Fitzpatricks [a local biker gang], somebody. I’ve heard all about those girls, and they got ‘puppet’ written all over them. It’s like, they don’t even open their mouths unless it’s somebody else’s voice coming out.”
Logan Echolls, reportedly Ms. Mars’ former boyfriend, vehemently declined comment upon his departure from her bedside at the hospital. Hours later, he surrendered to Neptune County sheriff’s deputies after firebombing an empty strip club on the outskirts of the city limits.
Ms. Mars has been a polarizing figure in Neptune, despite her young age. She had gained a reputation as an amateur sleuth among classmates, and friends say her investigations made her no shortage of enemies.
On the national stage, she became known for her intimate involvement in the investigation of her friend Lilly Kane’s death; her much-disputed testimony in the subsequent trial of Logan Echolls’ father, Hollywood superstar Aaron Echolls, for Ms. Kane’s murder; and her assistance to Neptune County sheriff’s deputies in identifying the perpetrator of the 2005 bombing of a Neptune High School bus that killed 15 students and a teacher. Most recently, she provided evidence that helped the department charge Timothy Foyle, a Hearst teacher’s aide, with the murder of Dean Cyrus O’Dell.
Henry “Hank” Landry, a former suspect in Dean O’Dell’s murder, and currently awaiting trial for manslaughter in the death of Mr. O’Dell’s wife Mindy, served as Ms. Mars’ criminology professor before his dismissal from the college. From jail, he spoke warmly and openly of Ms. Mars’ promise as a student. “There was talk that she might have a future at the FBI,” Mr. Landry said. “I can only imagine she would have done superbly in that setting, and it’s an understatement to say I’ll be disappointed if I don’t get to see her go on to bigger and better things.”
California’s CrimeWatch Network, a loose affiliation of law enforcement agencies commonly known by its initials, has assumed control over the hunt for suspects in Ms. Mars’ shooting. “With all respect to Veronica Mars,” said Dawn Ostroff, the head of the network, “we feel it’s more cost-effective at this juncture to concentrate on our dragnet. We’ve already found several of the troupe’s members, and we are confident that we’ll locate more in subsequent weeks. The CW Network has no greater priority than the search for the next Pussycat Doll.”