Canada's Multiculturalism, or: White men write encyclopedias.
I want a t-shirt that says, "The media makes me feel bad for being me."
or maybe a pin or something. Should look into that.
I was talking to a friend about how she feels shitty around this time of year, and how she doesn't quite fit into what we generally associate with Christmas. and I was like, "and that is why the media can go fuck itself"
cuz like... it's irritating going through life exposed to The Way Things Should Be, and the Ideal Family, and Who to Fuck and What Relationships Are and How to Love. and then I got to a point (recently) when I realized that part of my whole problem with myself is that I didn't know how to define myself. It's why I have trouble when people tell me they think I'm awesome, or fun or cute or what have you. I couldn't even begin to articulate who I am and it made me uncomfortable, having people tell me things about myself that I felt didn't fit into my repertoire. I have trouble choosing a partner because I was having trouble seeing how I could fit myself into a romantic relationship. I was having trouble understanding family because family is Unconditional Love, but mine is Expectations, not on Acceptance. it is putting one's Best Face Forward at the expense of telling the Truth. Contradictions.
I'm figuring out that there's no right way to be. Which, i know is kinda fucked to say because I've known that all along. but not really. cuz growing up like i did, figuring out how to blend in and blend in until I was no longer "Asian", no longer "darker", no longer the weird kid who was different, throwing myself into the Catholic mould that dictated how to dress and where to sit, and what to THINK and that All People Are Equal, but then suddenly I'm gay, and suddenly I hate myself because I'm not who God wants me to be even though really "it's not God - it's the People" but aren't the People the ones who Created God? and I came to realize (recently) that things aren't equal and that I was not white no matter what my accent indicated. and that I was raised on books and television and advertisements, on magazine covers and cereal boxes and packets of gum that told me that White, Straight and Christian is normal. and I've felt oddly disconnected my entire life because I could not relate to Sarah McLachlan. and I've been told time and time again that I'm not what Beauty is - I am what Exotic is. Which is different from Beauty. it is Worship. it is Entertainment. it is Different, not Normal.
I am not here to entertain. I'm not here to dance or sing, or feed you My Food or speak in My Language. I'm here because my family had to be or chose to be, or couldn't leave if they wanted to. but either way I'm here, in the only country I've called home, and I'm still struggling to belong.
or maybe a pin or something. Should look into that.
I was talking to a friend about how she feels shitty around this time of year, and how she doesn't quite fit into what we generally associate with Christmas. and I was like, "and that is why the media can go fuck itself"
cuz like... it's irritating going through life exposed to The Way Things Should Be, and the Ideal Family, and Who to Fuck and What Relationships Are and How to Love. and then I got to a point (recently) when I realized that part of my whole problem with myself is that I didn't know how to define myself. It's why I have trouble when people tell me they think I'm awesome, or fun or cute or what have you. I couldn't even begin to articulate who I am and it made me uncomfortable, having people tell me things about myself that I felt didn't fit into my repertoire. I have trouble choosing a partner because I was having trouble seeing how I could fit myself into a romantic relationship. I was having trouble understanding family because family is Unconditional Love, but mine is Expectations, not on Acceptance. it is putting one's Best Face Forward at the expense of telling the Truth. Contradictions.
I'm figuring out that there's no right way to be. Which, i know is kinda fucked to say because I've known that all along. but not really. cuz growing up like i did, figuring out how to blend in and blend in until I was no longer "Asian", no longer "darker", no longer the weird kid who was different, throwing myself into the Catholic mould that dictated how to dress and where to sit, and what to THINK and that All People Are Equal, but then suddenly I'm gay, and suddenly I hate myself because I'm not who God wants me to be even though really "it's not God - it's the People" but aren't the People the ones who Created God? and I came to realize (recently) that things aren't equal and that I was not white no matter what my accent indicated. and that I was raised on books and television and advertisements, on magazine covers and cereal boxes and packets of gum that told me that White, Straight and Christian is normal. and I've felt oddly disconnected my entire life because I could not relate to Sarah McLachlan. and I've been told time and time again that I'm not what Beauty is - I am what Exotic is. Which is different from Beauty. it is Worship. it is Entertainment. it is Different, not Normal.
I am not here to entertain. I'm not here to dance or sing, or feed you My Food or speak in My Language. I'm here because my family had to be or chose to be, or couldn't leave if they wanted to. but either way I'm here, in the only country I've called home, and I'm still struggling to belong.