It hurts...
I know most of you won't care for this but I'd like you to read and comment.
I know some of you won’t really care about this but I have to let this off my chest. Basically what happened today is my mother is feeling that we need to see a counselor because she feels that I hate her and that she is being a bad parent, now before any of you jump to something there’s a reason she thinks this.
Basically for the last six months, I’ve been living on my own. About eight months ago my mother had met this man online through an internet dating site called Java Live (Or whatever it’s called). Me and my mother live in a small town and the nearest city is about two hours away. Now this started out as casual conversation between him and my mother until about a week in for talking to her, he wanted to meet her. My mother had already dated some men already from the city that he was already in, so I really wasn’t surprised when all her free time was spending time in the city to go out on dates with him. I thought it was great that my mother was dating, she has gone through a lot of shit since my father’s divorce and she deserved to be happy, I supported her through it, wishing her luck, and my mother would come back and tell me all about it like a giggling high school girl talking to her friends. Now don’t get me wrong I was thrilled to hear her so happy and actually involve me in this new life she would be leading. I could tell that she really like Larry (Her boyfriend), and he was everything I would like a man to treat my mother, not like my ass of a father. Now she told me unlike with her others that she would wait at least 6 months until I met him, she wanted to make sure he was ‘the one’. I expected her to keep this, but much to my surprise she didn’t, I met Larry only 2 months after they hooked up.
I respect my mother because she keeps her vows and promises, but when she broke this one, I was immensely shocked. It was highly unlike my mother. I met Larry and he was nice to me, he make little comments, and tease both to me and my mother, and I enjoyed it because I’m usually the only one that bugs my mom just for the sheer hell of it. Now over the months, my mothers time staying home, became less, and less, to this though I wasn’t surprised. In my mind, I represented the past, a product of a mistaken marriage; it’s only natural that my mother would want to forget the past and look on to the future with her knew boyfriend. Larry and her would stay over at our house for a few days and we’d interact though I admit the interaction was at a minimum, but one thing bugged me, when she seek a response from me and I gave it she said that I was, ‘Just like Larry’. Now for me that was kind of disturbing, because as she was putting it, she was dating an older, male version of myself, but I ignored that too, because I figured it was mostly because of our sarcasm. Finally by the end of the second month, my mother was no longer around the house at all anymore, she spent most of her time with Larry in the city, and the only time I saw her or even could talk to her was when she came back to work or pay the bills. Now somehow I knew this was going to happen, especially the first time she said she was staying overnight at Larry’s, I knew this was going to happen, but it still did not help with the pain I felt. I was actually worried I might fall back into depression like when I was younger. Because back then when we were struggling to pay the bills (Before I got my job) I felt like a burden to my mother, and in so fell into depression, I had no one to help me get out of it, and I didn’t want to have a re-lapse since I’m not sure if I’d actually be able to come out of it this time.
To my relief I didn’t, because I had friends, online friends but they still helped me so I didn’t have to hide from my mother like I thought I did. Now in the beginning of September my mother said we might be moving to a city named Calgary, just out of the blue like that, I had no knowledge of why or how we were moving there, I was outraged, but tried to look at it in a positive light. This information is still on stand-by because it might still happen, but I know for sure that we are moving into my mom’s boyfriends house after I graduate this year. Now two days ago after not seeing my mother for a week, she comes back with Larry, and the dog, and I will admit that the happiness I felt for my mother, has faded. I couldn’t see Larry as being my step-father, because 1. I hardly see him as much as my mom now, and 2. I have lost all faith in father-like figures since mine. But to my total disgust today this morning, my [i]mother[/i] and Larry were very obviously fucking, for I could fucking hear her moans and screams even though they were muffled by her closed door. Now I knew that they would be pursuing a physical relationship, but I didn’t think that my mother would disregard me and actually have sex while I’m still here and in hearing range. Our house is two stories high (Three if you count the basement), the layout out the house is quite cramped and small obviously not for more then three people. Now the door to my mother’s room is right in front of the stairway leading upstairs, the stairs have a very small porch the leads to a smaller fours steps that leads up to two small rooms, my room is the closest to the stairs and my room is quite small, so I do not have much maneuverability this meant I could hear fucking everything, and my mother fucking knew this.
I couldn’t go downstairs after that, I just couldn’t, because really would you want to go downstairs after hearing your mother being fucked into the mattress by her boyfriend. The only time I did go down was to go to the bathroom and then I made sure to keep little eye contact and talking time very brief. Larry much to my relief left later in the afternoon, I don’t think I could handle it. But I had to leave to go to my Grandma’s for Christmas dinner since my mother is working on Christmas. When I was putting on my jacket my mother said that I wasn’t wearing deodorant or that I changed my clothing. Naturally I wanted to explode tell her why in a rude manner that I didn’t want to walk downstairs and see or hear her having sex, but I said in a teasing manner, “I didn’t get to go down today because I was scared of the noises I heard this morning.” I said this in my teasing tone that I usually said in to let her know I’m just playing with her and I don’t mean it.
Usually I was the first one home; my Grandma’s house was just one house over, not that far of a walk. As usually I went upstairs and went on my laptop like I usually do and when my mother got home, I went downstairs to pull out the gingerbread house so we could start on it, it was a family tradition sort of, but my mother, just immediately left again going on for a walk. I was a little stunned, because she usually didn’t go one walks, but I shrugged it off figuring that she was in that, ‘must lose weight’ phase again. When she got back I once again pulled out the gingerbread house, and I knew that something was wrong with her, I just could tell, so I asked her what’s wrong and she gave the response someone always did, ‘It’s nothing’. I’ve heard that phrase so many times I called her a liar and went back to opening the box, but what she said next just shocked me. “You and I are going to see a counselor.” I felt myself shocked, I didn’t see why we needed to see one, and to add to my confusion she started crying, “I feel like you hate me, and you’re not talking to me making me feel like a bad parent…” And frankly that’s all I heard her say, and frankly that’s all I could handle I rarely see my mother anymore, and she had the gall to say that I’m not talking to her. She’s the one that has left me alone to restock the fridge to all of the house choirs, shovel the sidewalk, get good passing grades, and to pay for my cell phone and internet. I knew I was going to be on my own when I moved out, but it’s practically the other way around.
Now quite frankly I feel betrayed, but the horrible thing is that when I saw my mother crying, I didn’t react to it, I felt nothing at her tears she was shedding. She’s been absent from me for those six months that I have grown used to being in complete solitary. My own mother was unfamiliar to me now that I couldn’t react to her sadness or pain. But my mother saying we need to see a counselor under those circumstances is total bullshit. I know that if we do go (She’s been breaking promises left and right now) I’m either going to sneak away, or not talk at all. I see no point in going in, I don’t hate my mother, I can’t, she raised me as best she could and her method’s weren’t the best, but I learned from them. But saying this stuff to after six months of seclusion from her, if she can’t see that then I would be wasting my breath trying to explain it to her.
I’m hurt, tired, angry, and a little sad, I have officially dropped from my mother in her eyes, and in turn she has lost any and all respect she had from me. I feel nothing for her now, I could easily say that I could kill my own mother if it benefited me in anyway.
Thanks for reading this rant.
I know some of you won’t really care about this but I have to let this off my chest. Basically what happened today is my mother is feeling that we need to see a counselor because she feels that I hate her and that she is being a bad parent, now before any of you jump to something there’s a reason she thinks this.
Basically for the last six months, I’ve been living on my own. About eight months ago my mother had met this man online through an internet dating site called Java Live (Or whatever it’s called). Me and my mother live in a small town and the nearest city is about two hours away. Now this started out as casual conversation between him and my mother until about a week in for talking to her, he wanted to meet her. My mother had already dated some men already from the city that he was already in, so I really wasn’t surprised when all her free time was spending time in the city to go out on dates with him. I thought it was great that my mother was dating, she has gone through a lot of shit since my father’s divorce and she deserved to be happy, I supported her through it, wishing her luck, and my mother would come back and tell me all about it like a giggling high school girl talking to her friends. Now don’t get me wrong I was thrilled to hear her so happy and actually involve me in this new life she would be leading. I could tell that she really like Larry (Her boyfriend), and he was everything I would like a man to treat my mother, not like my ass of a father. Now she told me unlike with her others that she would wait at least 6 months until I met him, she wanted to make sure he was ‘the one’. I expected her to keep this, but much to my surprise she didn’t, I met Larry only 2 months after they hooked up.
I respect my mother because she keeps her vows and promises, but when she broke this one, I was immensely shocked. It was highly unlike my mother. I met Larry and he was nice to me, he make little comments, and tease both to me and my mother, and I enjoyed it because I’m usually the only one that bugs my mom just for the sheer hell of it. Now over the months, my mothers time staying home, became less, and less, to this though I wasn’t surprised. In my mind, I represented the past, a product of a mistaken marriage; it’s only natural that my mother would want to forget the past and look on to the future with her knew boyfriend. Larry and her would stay over at our house for a few days and we’d interact though I admit the interaction was at a minimum, but one thing bugged me, when she seek a response from me and I gave it she said that I was, ‘Just like Larry’. Now for me that was kind of disturbing, because as she was putting it, she was dating an older, male version of myself, but I ignored that too, because I figured it was mostly because of our sarcasm. Finally by the end of the second month, my mother was no longer around the house at all anymore, she spent most of her time with Larry in the city, and the only time I saw her or even could talk to her was when she came back to work or pay the bills. Now somehow I knew this was going to happen, especially the first time she said she was staying overnight at Larry’s, I knew this was going to happen, but it still did not help with the pain I felt. I was actually worried I might fall back into depression like when I was younger. Because back then when we were struggling to pay the bills (Before I got my job) I felt like a burden to my mother, and in so fell into depression, I had no one to help me get out of it, and I didn’t want to have a re-lapse since I’m not sure if I’d actually be able to come out of it this time.
To my relief I didn’t, because I had friends, online friends but they still helped me so I didn’t have to hide from my mother like I thought I did. Now in the beginning of September my mother said we might be moving to a city named Calgary, just out of the blue like that, I had no knowledge of why or how we were moving there, I was outraged, but tried to look at it in a positive light. This information is still on stand-by because it might still happen, but I know for sure that we are moving into my mom’s boyfriends house after I graduate this year. Now two days ago after not seeing my mother for a week, she comes back with Larry, and the dog, and I will admit that the happiness I felt for my mother, has faded. I couldn’t see Larry as being my step-father, because 1. I hardly see him as much as my mom now, and 2. I have lost all faith in father-like figures since mine. But to my total disgust today this morning, my [i]mother[/i] and Larry were very obviously fucking, for I could fucking hear her moans and screams even though they were muffled by her closed door. Now I knew that they would be pursuing a physical relationship, but I didn’t think that my mother would disregard me and actually have sex while I’m still here and in hearing range. Our house is two stories high (Three if you count the basement), the layout out the house is quite cramped and small obviously not for more then three people. Now the door to my mother’s room is right in front of the stairway leading upstairs, the stairs have a very small porch the leads to a smaller fours steps that leads up to two small rooms, my room is the closest to the stairs and my room is quite small, so I do not have much maneuverability this meant I could hear fucking everything, and my mother fucking knew this.
I couldn’t go downstairs after that, I just couldn’t, because really would you want to go downstairs after hearing your mother being fucked into the mattress by her boyfriend. The only time I did go down was to go to the bathroom and then I made sure to keep little eye contact and talking time very brief. Larry much to my relief left later in the afternoon, I don’t think I could handle it. But I had to leave to go to my Grandma’s for Christmas dinner since my mother is working on Christmas. When I was putting on my jacket my mother said that I wasn’t wearing deodorant or that I changed my clothing. Naturally I wanted to explode tell her why in a rude manner that I didn’t want to walk downstairs and see or hear her having sex, but I said in a teasing manner, “I didn’t get to go down today because I was scared of the noises I heard this morning.” I said this in my teasing tone that I usually said in to let her know I’m just playing with her and I don’t mean it.
Usually I was the first one home; my Grandma’s house was just one house over, not that far of a walk. As usually I went upstairs and went on my laptop like I usually do and when my mother got home, I went downstairs to pull out the gingerbread house so we could start on it, it was a family tradition sort of, but my mother, just immediately left again going on for a walk. I was a little stunned, because she usually didn’t go one walks, but I shrugged it off figuring that she was in that, ‘must lose weight’ phase again. When she got back I once again pulled out the gingerbread house, and I knew that something was wrong with her, I just could tell, so I asked her what’s wrong and she gave the response someone always did, ‘It’s nothing’. I’ve heard that phrase so many times I called her a liar and went back to opening the box, but what she said next just shocked me. “You and I are going to see a counselor.” I felt myself shocked, I didn’t see why we needed to see one, and to add to my confusion she started crying, “I feel like you hate me, and you’re not talking to me making me feel like a bad parent…” And frankly that’s all I heard her say, and frankly that’s all I could handle I rarely see my mother anymore, and she had the gall to say that I’m not talking to her. She’s the one that has left me alone to restock the fridge to all of the house choirs, shovel the sidewalk, get good passing grades, and to pay for my cell phone and internet. I knew I was going to be on my own when I moved out, but it’s practically the other way around.
Now quite frankly I feel betrayed, but the horrible thing is that when I saw my mother crying, I didn’t react to it, I felt nothing at her tears she was shedding. She’s been absent from me for those six months that I have grown used to being in complete solitary. My own mother was unfamiliar to me now that I couldn’t react to her sadness or pain. But my mother saying we need to see a counselor under those circumstances is total bullshit. I know that if we do go (She’s been breaking promises left and right now) I’m either going to sneak away, or not talk at all. I see no point in going in, I don’t hate my mother, I can’t, she raised me as best she could and her method’s weren’t the best, but I learned from them. But saying this stuff to after six months of seclusion from her, if she can’t see that then I would be wasting my breath trying to explain it to her.
I’m hurt, tired, angry, and a little sad, I have officially dropped from my mother in her eyes, and in turn she has lost any and all respect she had from me. I feel nothing for her now, I could easily say that I could kill my own mother if it benefited me in anyway.
Thanks for reading this rant.