(no subject)
My mom is dying. Her last decent day was Christmas. She was almost her old self at my Aunt & Uncle's house. But then when we arrived home, she just went downhill from there. And at the beginning of February, it got worse. Valentine's Day...plunging dive. 2-14-07 was when everything became official with her initial cancer battle. Last night she started losing her memory... It's just depressing, frustrating, and sad.
She was in the hospital last week and we found out that she had been trying to keep us away because "Mary Alice's cousin, Louis" was staying with her. I'm not sure whether this is the answer to the "Mary Alice" mystery or just another limb on the intricate tree of the "Mary Alice" world.
Tonight my mom was yelling that she just wanted to go to Hell already. We're all very spiritual people so the thought of anyone going there after leaving this world terrifies me. I think all of the financial problems she's gotten my dad into and the whole "Mary Alice" thing has eaten away at her.
For the past 5 years she's been saying that she doesn't want to die and that she's not ready to die, yet now she's begging to die. I'm wondering if that she felt that she's not ready to die because of all the guilt and wrong-doings. I still can't get over how she treated me when I was in the car wreck or found out that I need to have major dental surgery.
Back on track, I wonder if she felt that she needed more time to make "peace" and be back in good graces with God. I personally believe that God is loving and will forgive those of their wrong-doings if they ask and feel it in their heart.
But now maybe she thinks it's too late and she's just assuming that her fate lies elsewhere and she's just ready to accept it. :( I don't know...I just feel uneasy with the idea, especially since she hasn't been in a sane mindframe by any means for over a week now.
It's just hard for us all.
And my dad...I'm really worried about him too. I heard him crying this morning. The only other time I've been aware of him ever crying was the night before my mom had her emergency brain surgery, when we were leaving the hospital and he was telling her that he loves her. That was the first scare that she might not make it through the night.
A few people think (and accuse) my dad of being mean and aggressive (verbally) towards her. If they only knew the whole story and what he's had to endure all of these years and how she's treated us...let alone him.
I think she stopped loving him and checked out of their marriage a long time ago (heck, it's pretty obvious that "Mary Alice" was always a major priority over me, even when I needed my mom the most). However, it's become pretty obvious that he still loves her to death despite everything. I truly wish that people could witness how much he loves her because even if he doesn't show it to the outside world, it's a greater love than I've ever witnessed.
(BTW I don't think my mom is a horrible person, it's just her decisions over the years have been painful and I don't think a lot of people ever realized what was really going on with our family. There's just so much going on now (and that's not counting all of the nonsense going on at work) and it's hard to cope with it all.)
She was in the hospital last week and we found out that she had been trying to keep us away because "Mary Alice's cousin, Louis" was staying with her. I'm not sure whether this is the answer to the "Mary Alice" mystery or just another limb on the intricate tree of the "Mary Alice" world.
Tonight my mom was yelling that she just wanted to go to Hell already. We're all very spiritual people so the thought of anyone going there after leaving this world terrifies me. I think all of the financial problems she's gotten my dad into and the whole "Mary Alice" thing has eaten away at her.
For the past 5 years she's been saying that she doesn't want to die and that she's not ready to die, yet now she's begging to die. I'm wondering if that she felt that she's not ready to die because of all the guilt and wrong-doings. I still can't get over how she treated me when I was in the car wreck or found out that I need to have major dental surgery.
Back on track, I wonder if she felt that she needed more time to make "peace" and be back in good graces with God. I personally believe that God is loving and will forgive those of their wrong-doings if they ask and feel it in their heart.
But now maybe she thinks it's too late and she's just assuming that her fate lies elsewhere and she's just ready to accept it. :( I don't know...I just feel uneasy with the idea, especially since she hasn't been in a sane mindframe by any means for over a week now.
It's just hard for us all.
And my dad...I'm really worried about him too. I heard him crying this morning. The only other time I've been aware of him ever crying was the night before my mom had her emergency brain surgery, when we were leaving the hospital and he was telling her that he loves her. That was the first scare that she might not make it through the night.
A few people think (and accuse) my dad of being mean and aggressive (verbally) towards her. If they only knew the whole story and what he's had to endure all of these years and how she's treated us...let alone him.
I think she stopped loving him and checked out of their marriage a long time ago (heck, it's pretty obvious that "Mary Alice" was always a major priority over me, even when I needed my mom the most). However, it's become pretty obvious that he still loves her to death despite everything. I truly wish that people could witness how much he loves her because even if he doesn't show it to the outside world, it's a greater love than I've ever witnessed.
(BTW I don't think my mom is a horrible person, it's just her decisions over the years have been painful and I don't think a lot of people ever realized what was really going on with our family. There's just so much going on now (and that's not counting all of the nonsense going on at work) and it's hard to cope with it all.)