An open letter to all Rushies

[mooncove]

... who believe what the person I went to see Geoffrey Rush with on March 2 (someone who, BTW, only appeared on the Rushie community shortly before the opening of Diary of a Madman and whom I actually encouraged and helped to figure out how to use LJ AND e-mail) alleged about me in my friends-only journal posts shortly afterwards. I'm writing this

Comments

[mooncove]

First off, I like your pirate icon. Reminds me of the one I used for this entry.

Thanks for your support and reassurance. I'm hardly living like a queen either. The only reason I could afford to see Geoffrey in New York was by draining my savings that I had from before I got divorced that I really couldn't afford to use ... except that it was for Geoffrey and I'm not the most practical person in the world. So I have to hope that nothing (more) goes wrong with my 18-year-old car or (heaven forbid) my house. (Also, not only do you have to use your disability money to pay for Medicare, but the copays for your medication are astronomical compared to the health-care packages provided by any of my previous employers. And being disabled, you tend to require more medications than the average person.) Also, we are not draining anyone else's salary since you have to have worked full-time for a minimum number of years even to be eligible for SSD, and the amount you get is based on what you paid into it. It's basically an insurance program, and it has very stringent regulations--in addition to the application process alone being a nightmare to navigate. My chiropractor knew someone with MS who didn't hire a lawyer and took nine years to get on it. It "only" took me three years because I had a lawyer, who took 10% of my back payment (which the SSA doesn't pay you interest on either). In addition, I don't know about you, but my case has to be reviewed every three years, and I had to provide all kinds of detailed documentation from my doctors in addition to filling out a 16-page form (in fine print cuz they give you no room to write) with my injured hand!

Not to mention, while I'm getting things off my chest, I'm not too "lazy" or "apathetic" to take a lower-paying job. I actually did take a pay cut when I was first injured and switched to a lower-level job, which did me further injury, and applied for SSD only after attempting two other full-time jobs, a temporary job, and self-employment that I couldn't succeed at. In fact, the person who first advised me to apply for disability was one of my ex-bosses (one of the more understanding ones, as opposed to the one who actively persecuted me for my disability till I had a nervous breakdown in order to try to force me to quit)!

"Cyber bullies are cowards of the highest caliber"

True. It's telling that she sent her most hurtful comments to me privately by e-mail while merely saying, "Guilty as charged," here on my journal where other people would see it. (And, again, for the record, she was NOT "charged" with anything ... until I got that hate-filled e-mail, that is. Speaking of "poisonous [bile]"!

Thanks for your concern, matey. I'm home now and doing OK. Although, I don't know how it is where you live, but here, the hospitals all treat psych patients, whether we're a danger to others or not, like criminals. (I was actually physically injured by a guard twice my size--one of four who held me down to put me in restraints--who was unnecessarily twisting my head and wrist around backwards and then had the nerve to complain that I was dangerous because I "scratched" him all up when all I did was dig my nails into his hand to get him to stop hurting my wrist! I even asked to see the scratches, and he wouldn't show them to me! I said I would report him to the hospital administrator, and he mysteriously disappeared after that. I just can't believe you go to a place pleading for help and, instead, they throw you into a sensory-deprivation torture chamber and make you wait there for 14 hours to be seen by the one and only psychiatrist on the entire staff of a major hospital--who spends a grand total of five minutes with you before telling you to go home. Things haven't improved much from the days of Quills and The Snake Pit, I can tell you that. Except that, in the Snake Pit, Leo Genn--my dream psychiatrist if you know what I mean--actually had some compassion for his patient. There would have been no plot if he hadn't bucked the rules like that.

[mooncove]

Anyway, knowing there is no real help out there means that, next time I feel this way, I just won't tell anyone; I'll just go ahead and kill myself in order to avoid going through that nightmare again! Because it's always the same no matter what hospital I go to. And then, of course, everyone will blame me for being so selfish as to hurt them. Not that I would ever encourage anyone to do it, but I feel only the deepest compassion and heart-wrenching sadness for anyone who has sought help from friends, family, and professionals alike and, not getting any, then commits suicide. It's a decision made out of unbearable pain, not because the person doesn't care about the people they leave behind. In fact, there's a genuine feeling that, while it might hurt them temporarily, in the long run, those people would be better off without the ongoing burden of dealing with the depressed person.)

Anyway ... it does help to hear from good friends like you. You're all worth more than any high-paid professional! :)

I think you can get my e-mail address from Bobby's Temple if you're still a member. I do have a Facebook page, but I stopped using it because of all their privacy hijinks and constant changes to the navigation so you can never find anything where it was the last time you logged in ... and I never liked it that they make you display your real first and last name. Or their bright white page background. I am on MySpace though!

[mooncove]

Hmm, funny how David Warner looks all happy there having gone all furry. It's not all "trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes, haha" at all. I was told the reason they torture you like that in the ER is so that you'll beg them to let you go home (it's very effective!) because they don't make any money off of psych patients.

[mooncove]

Yes, me again, sorry. I misread your request at the end there. You want me to send you a message. Ummm, do I have your most current e-mail address?

Haha, I want to read my novel too, once it's finished! (Actually, you're not alone. I've got a lot of people who are halfway through and waiting and waiting and waiting for more. And I'm still not finished moving all my stuff out of the old homestead. This is why I've gotta get off this antidepressant. It makes me sooooooo tired I can't get anything done. I don't even have the computer I was writing the novel on connected yet!) Anyway, thanks for the awesome compliment! (It really gives me motivation knowing that people are hankering to read it. Especially when they've read part of it and ask for more!)

Do you realize, you guys have cheered me up so much, people are going to see the post I just made on the community and think realize I'm completely insane? (Going through "the change of life" isn't helping any either.)

[der_verlorene]

[mooncove]

"I told my psychiatrist that the only way they would ever get me back to a place like that was if they could catch me, lol. Having been brought in wearing a straight jacket after VOLUNTARILY going along with the medics and then being looked at like I was Hannibal Lecter ready to chew on someone's face, it was really not very therapeutic at all."

Yep, same thing here. I've had some very compassionate and helpful therapists over the years who didn't have an M.D., but the medical setting seems to make them see patients as a bunch of soulless problems they really don't want to deal with.

Wow, so you even got admitted and it was still horrible? I thought once they put you in a room, it was all calming and therapeutic. Although the day-treatment program I almost made it through gave me an inkling that the state of mental-health care is completely backwards and barbaric in this country.

"These places are not meant to get people well, I am convinced of that."

You're absolutely right. It was a therapist who told me that they try to get rid of you as quickly as possible because they don't make any money off of psych patients. It seems to me, psychiatric hospitals in this country are just a place to hide you so that people on the outside don't have to deal with you.

Heh heh, "ordinary crazy people." Yep, we must band together!

BTW, did you get the Leo Genn reference? Have you seen The Snake Pit? If not, you really should; it's very good. (Leo is that actor everyone keeps mistaking for Robert Newton! They were even born in the same year.)

As for the person who wrote up your report, if it was an M.D. and they said (1) you're bipolar and (2) you can't work at all, that's why you got straight on it. Either of those automatically qualifies you for SSD. My problem is I have a whole constellation of problems, none of which individually is enough to qualify me for SSD; you have to add them all together to get to, "I can't work at all." It's like, well, I could go work at the local grocery store, except I can't stand for long periods of time. I could do [such and such], but I can't lift things. I could do [such and such else], but I can't concentrate in a busy/noisy environment. And so forth. I need a really understanding boss and lots of special accommodations, and in the current economy, those jobs just don't exist anymore in this country.

Oh, I know how you can contact me without my having to give out my e-mail addy (and then I can reply, and you'll have mine too): http://www.mooncove.com/contact.htm.

Thanks for your sympathy and well wishes! I'm working on it. And, yeah, we'll have to talk menopause when you get there too! Although the worst part of it is, I looked it up on the Internet, and everybody's different! It can last for a few months to ten years. Some women get hot flashes, some never get them. Some lose their sex drive; for others it increases. It's so frustrating not knowing what's going to happen in your particular case. I mean, with the hot flashes, it's like, how much longer is this going to go on cuz it's really bothersome! And the last thing I want is more meds to take!

[der_verlorene]