i wonder...

[moonchic]

is it the general pattern for people to get "crazier" as they get older? I just feel like the older I get, the more worrisome I become...The more irrational fears I seem to foment. I say this because in the last year, there have been a couple of times when this feeling of anxiety comes over me about my mother dying. I start to run through a scenario iWhn my head where I'm out and about during my day, and she hasn't called. At first, I feel relieved and a little freer since she is the type to call ten million times a day. Then, it gets later and later, and when I get home, I find her dead. For a moment, this all seems so real to me that I feel the emotions that come with finding out someone you love dearly has been taken away from you. I have to remind myself that this is completely irrational, and that although we all have to go one day, she'll probably live to be old and grey....

It's kinda creepy to even admit that this has happened to me...But I guess as we get older we think about the end more and more...When you're a kid, the fact that your parents will pass away is unfathomable...Even though I lost my father when I was 3, I really didn't think about it happening to my mother at all.

Maybe it's not that we get "crazier" as we get older, just that reality starts to set in, and we try to find more and more straws to grasp onto, more ways to avoid the unavoidable...more ways to rationalize the irrational. Or something like that.

Not the happiest post, but I was just thinking about that earlier.